(I work in the after-school program. This child is five and calls his grandfather “Poppy”.)
Boy: “I love when Poppy visits! We have fart contests! Except we can’t play when Mommy’s home.”
Me: “Oh, because your mom doesn’t let you?”
Boy: “No, because she always wins!”
(My family has recently noticed that our water has been turning off often. For the first couple of times, we just write it off as company problems, but soon, we realize there is a problem with our plumbing. We call a plumbing company and they send out a plumber to check our attic. I am only five years old.)
Plumber: “I’ll need to check your attic pipes first, since that’s where it’s most likely to break.”
Dad: “That’ll be fine.”
(My dad shows him the way to the attic and the plumber climbs up and goes in. He stays there for a few minutes, when he suddenly screeches and practically jumps out of the attic.)
Plumber: “A spider bit me! It looked like a widow; I think I need medical help.”
(My mom, being a doctor, always has medicine for certain common things such as headache, stomach pains, and spider bite, so she lets the plumber sit on the sofa as she readies a needle, after calling an ambulance in case he needs further treatment.)
Sister: “Hey, what are you doing?!”
(The plumber has gotten up and picked up my dad’s wallet, which was on the table. He makes a run for the door.)
Dad: “Come back here!”
(My dad easily blocks him and we call the police, who identify him as a wanted thief.)
Me: “What happened? Why are they taking the pipe man away?”
Sister: “Don’t worry, [My Name]; he was a bad man, so they’re taking him to the place for bad men.”
(To this day, I still have no idea how he thought he was going to get away with it when my dad, a bulky man with at least a foot and 60 pounds on him, was standing right next to him.)
(It’s “Meet the Teachers” night at the high school. Due to a large age gap with our children, we are attending for the first time in a long time. We get to the language teacher’s classroom. He was a favorite with my older children and their friends. The teacher loved these kids, and has an awesome sense of humor.)
Teacher #1: “Welcome. My name is Mr. [Teacher #1], and I teach languages. This should be the parents of the first year German students. It looks like you are all new to the school, correct?” *notices us* “Oh! No, I see some repeat offenders.”
Me: “Yes, you do. I should start by saying I’m sorry. I let my son spend his summer with his brothers and Mr. [Teacher #2]. I’m really sorry.”
Teacher #1: “You should be. He’s been telling horrible jokes and repeating terrible things.”
Me: “Yeah, I suspected as much.”
Teacher #1: “You really shouldn’t have let him spend time with them.”
Husband: “We know, but it’s hard, since he lives in the same house as his brothers.”
Teacher #1: “And Mr. [Teacher #2]? You really owe me for that.”
Husband: “Well, he is our bonus kid.”
Teacher #1: “Fine. But be aware; I take cash, checks, credit cards…”
(We laughed and he turned to look at the rest of the room. All of the new parents were staring and looking very worried. That was the day I realized my kid went to school with the children of humorless people.)
(I am working as a cashier at a clothing company. We have just gotten a new scarf in that is more popular than the company anticipated, and we sell out super quickly. I am wearing the scarf while working the register.)
Customer: “That is such a great scarf!”
Me: “Thank you!”
Customer: “Where did you get it?”
Me: “Oh, I got it here, but we sold out, unfortunately!”
Customer: “How much is it?”
Me: “It was [price], but unfortunately, we sold out. I can maybe see if another store has it in stock?”
Customer: “How much is that one?”
Me: “It’s [price], but again, we’ve sold out. It may be available online.”
Customer: “No, how much is the one that you are wearing?”
Me: “Again, it’s [price], but we’ve sold out.”
Customer: “No, how much is the one that is literally around your neck? How much can I give you to sell me your scarf?”
Me: “Sir, I will not sell you clothing that I am literally wearing.”
(I work at a cafe in a bookstore. People will occasionally ask us for hot water for their tea bags that they brought from home, which we happily oblige, free of charge. One day…)
Supervisor: “We’re going to have to start charging $0.25 for water.”
Me: “Why?”
Coworker: “You’ll see.”
(A few days go by, then a man and a woman come in.)
Customer: “Can I have a large cup of hot water? Just half full?”
Coworker: “Sure, but it’ll be $0.25 for the cup.”
Customer: “What?! But it’s always free!”
Coworker: “Sorry, new policy.”
Customer: “Come on! I didn’t know. Can’t I just have the water this one time? I’ll know for next time!”
Coworker: *sighs* “Just this last time.”
(The woman then takes her hot water to the self-service bar, where we keep the cinnamon, cocoa, sugar, milk, cream, straws, stirrers, etc. She dumps in half of the cocoa and fills up the rest with cream, stirring it together to make hot cocoa, and also making a huge mess.)
Coworker: “That’s why it’s $0.25 now, because of those two.”
(We later banned the two of them because customers kept finding pamphlets that they left in all of the books,and they constantly found new loopholes to get free stuff from the cafe.)
