Logic That Doesn’t Hold Water

, , , | Right | March 31, 2010

(I recently sold a pool to an elderly customer. Right after the installers leave, she calls the store.)

Customer: “Hi, may I speak with [My Name]?”

Me: “That’s me. How may I help you?”

Customer: “I just had my pool installed today.”

Me: “Oh, yes, how did everything go? Are you satisfied with the job?”

Customer: “Yes everything is perfect, but I was wondering what box the water came in? I think the delivery men may have forgotten it.”

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The Self-Scanner Has Checked Out

, , , , | Right | March 25, 2010

(I am helping a caller on the phone who recently had some scanning software installed on her computer.)

Me: “Place the document on the glass and press the scan button on the computer screen.”

Caller: “That is what I did and it is nothing is happening.”

Me: “Is the scanner on? There should be a light on it that indicates that it is on. Maybe it is not plugged in or hooked up correctly?”

Caller: “Yes, it’s on. I can see all of my other files and folders on the screen.”

Me: “Wait… What do you mean you see other files and folders?”

Caller: “I see my windows desktop and the monitor seems to be working like it always does.”

Me: “When I told you to place the document that you want to scan on the glass, are you holding it up to the glass on your monitor?”

Caller: “Yes!”

Me: “That would be our problem. You need to have a scanning machine in order to scan documents. You don’t use your monitor.”

Caller: “Oh. How do I get one of those?”

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It’s Not Just The Message That Never Dies

, , , , , , | Right | March 14, 2010

(I give tours for prospective students and their families at my school. In the school chapel, there is a plaque commemorating when Martin Luther King, Jr., gave a speech there in the 1950s.)

Me: “The chapel has been host to a number of famous speakers, including Martin Luther King, Jr., as you can see here.”

Parent: “Oh, was that before or after he was assassinated?”

Me: “Uh…”

Daughter: “Mom!”

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Blimey, Guv’nor, This Magazine Is A Bloody Good Read

, , , | Right | February 26, 2010

Customer: “Where are the magazines?”

Me: “Right here. If you have any questions, please ask.”

Customer: “Um, what’s the difference between Cosmo and UK Cosmo?”

Me: “Well, one is more expensive and it looks like they have different articles.”

Customer: “Oh, okay. Do you know if UK Cosmo is written in an accent?”

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You Drive Me Crazy

, , | Right | February 22, 2010

(A customer is trying to make a deposit through the drive-up part of the branch, but he’s on foot. Note that we also have a small lobby for walk-in customers.)

Me: “Sorry, sir, this is for cars only. Can you come inside so we can process your transaction?”

Customer: “What difference does it make?”

Me: “It’s against our policy for customers to be on foot at the drive-up window.”

(The customer walks backward, puts his hands as if he was steering a car and walks up to the window again.)

Customer: “VROOM, VROOM! I’m in a car now. Will you help me?”


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