I worked for a plumbing contractor who had a retail store for seven years. There are many stories from those days. This is one of them.

I was helping a guy at the counter with some minor repairs, and he commented that he wished he could find a plumber who could get rid of the sewage smell in one of his bathrooms. Upon inquiry, he told me that in the mornings, it was so bad they literally couldn’t use that bathroom.

From experience, I knew that this was caused by some sort of leak in the sewage piping, usually the trap under the sink, letting noxious gases escape. I explained that to him, and he said they’d had a number of plumbers come out, change the trap, tinker with this or that, all with no success. He was ready to give up.

I told him that we’d fix it, but if it wasn’t in the accessible pipes under the sink, it was likely to be expensive. He said he didn’t care, he just wanted to be able to use the bathroom. So we sent out one of our plumbers, and told him to ‘fix’ it.

Turned out, it was a broken sewer main under the floor, and it took a full day and more to get it squared away. By the time the plumber was done, they’d removed the entire (concrete) floor to the bathroom and half the bedroom, to find the break. And there was so much raw sewage that had leaked out, they had to shovel it into five-gallon buckets, and had a three-foot-high mound in the backyard.

But the bathroom didn’t smell of sewage anymore (once the backyard was cleaned up). The bill was $2,500 (thirty years ago), and the homeowner gave the plumber a $500 tip in cash.

Plumbers often make more than doctors or even lawyers. And they’re underpaid.

Caller: “I have a problem.”

Pause.

Me: “…What is your problem?”

Caller: “The water.”

Me: “What is wrong with your water?”

Caller: “There’s a problem?”

Me: “What is the problem?”

Caller: “The water.”

Me: “Okay, we have identified that your problem is with some part of your water. What is the problem?”

Caller: “The water.”

Me: *Going for the most common issues.* “Is there no water coming out of your faucet?”

Caller: “No, we’re getting the water; there’s just a problem with it.”

Me: “Okay, is it dirty? Is it leaking from somewhere it shouldn’t be?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Okay, I’ll stick to just suggesting one problem at a time.

Me: “Which one? Dirty water or a leak?”

Caller: “Yes.”

Me: “Dirty water?”

Caller: “No.”

Me: “So it’s a leak?”

Caller: “No.”

Head desk.

Me: “…how about I just come out there and identify the problem?”

Caller: “But I already told you. I have a problem with the water.”

I ended up going out there myself. The problem wasn’t with the water; it was an old faucet that had rusted to the point where it was very difficult to turn. I loosened it for them and told them to buy a new one. As far as I could tell, they were locals with no language or developmental barriers; they just didn’t know how to communicate.

 Related:
H2-OMG!, Part 8
H2-OMG!, Part 7
H2-OMG!, Part 6
H2-OMG Shut Up!
H2-OMG!, Part 5

Flushing my home toilet would occasionally cause the flapper to disconnect and the tank to perpetually drain until we fixed it. As we had a plumber coming to fix an unrelated issue, I wanted to ask the qualified individual to look at it; I had some idea of the cause, but two of the possibilities were problems I could not accurately gauge. However, at the time of this incident, I was in high school and the appointment was for the middle of a weekday, so I had to trust my dad.

I made sure to show my dad the issue one time when it happened again. Before I left on the day of the appointment, I made the point one last time.

Me: “I don’t know if it’s the chain, the flapper, or the thing it’s hooked on. Just have the plumber look at it; we can fix two of those ourselves.”

When I got home from school, the plumber had since left and the unrelated job was complete.

Me: “So, what did he say about the toilet?”

Dad: “I didn’t show him.”

Me: *Facepalming* “Why not?”

Dad: “I can fix it myself.”

Me: “Are you sure? Because if it’s the thing the flapper’s hooked on, I’m pretty sure we have to replace the toilet.”

Dad: “I know what I’m doing.”

Me: “So, what is the problem?”

Dad: “I know how to fix it!”

Me: “That’s not what I asked!”

Dad: “I CAN DO THE JOB!”

Me: “I’m not debating whether you can do a job! I’m debating whether you know which job to do! That’s why I wanted a professional to look at it!”

The fight continued until the end of the week, when my dad announced that he had done the job: he had replaced the fill valve. The perfectly functional fill valve. And since it was a float-cup mechanism, rather than the ballcock mechanism we were accustomed to, he broke it about two weeks later when some debris got in the mechanism and caused the valve to not close.

Guess what I spent the next weekend doing. Alone. By choice. As my mom dragged my dad out of the house.

We have just bought a little run-down, property that needs a fair bit of attention. I intend to do most of it myself, like decorating, putting down carpets, etc.

The windows are single-glazed with wooden frames that have started to rot, so I get in touch with a joiner to give me a price to put in new double-glazed ones. 

Later that day I am in the kitchen and notice water coming from under the sink. I open the cupboard underneath and see that there is a leak coming from the cold-water supply pipe and what seems to be a small dent halfway down the pipe. The leak is coming from a small hole in the dent. I know I can’t fix this myself, so I phone a plumber.

Plumber: “I’ll call round later this evening.”

Sure enough, around 6 PM there’s a knock on the door. The chap in repair overalls standing there says:

Workman: “I’m here about your phone call.”

I take him into the kitchen, making small talk with him, asking if he’s busy and such-like. Then I open the cupboard under the sink and get down on my knees:

Me: “There seems to be a leak in one of the pipes.”

Workman: “Really?”

He stays standing where he is.

Me: *Pointing.* “Look. You can see a small hole here.”

He bends down with his hands on his knees and looks in.

Workman: “Yeah, I think you’re right.”

I am getting annoyed with his lack of enthusiasm.

Me: *A little exasperated.* “Well, what do you think we should do?”

Workman: “Beats me!”

Me: “Is that all you can say?! What kind of a plumber are you?”

He straitens up, and with a puzzled look on his face says:

Workman: “I’m not a plumber, I’m the joiner who’s come to have a look at your windows.”

Thankfully we both had a good laugh about it after I recovered from embarrassment!

I work for a water company. The holidays always bring out the crazies, and here are the customers that prove it.

Caller #1: “When I sing in the shower, water keeps getting into my mouth.”

Me: “Okay… and?”

Caller #1: “I want you to do something to fix it!”

We declined! Next call:

Caller #2: “You need to send someone about a leaky faucet!”

When our technician gets there, it’s revealed that the leaky faucet is actually in his neighbor’s house.

Caller #2: “I can hear the faucet dripping!”

Technician: “What do you expect us to do about it?”

Caller #2: “Break into their house and fix it! It’s okay; they’re gone for the holidays!”

We declined! Next call, on New Year’s Eve:

Caller #3: *Sounding very drunk* “Why does my sink no longer dispense mac and cheese?”

After some questioning to confirm that his sink did work for pouring water and that he really did expect cheese-coated noodles to come out of it, we told him to go to sleep and call us in the new year if it was still a problem. He hasn’t called yet, so hopefully, he’s sobered up.

Related:
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 20
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 19
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 18
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 17
The More You Read The Worse It Gets, Part 16