I’m a woman doing my weekly grocery shop, wearing a T-shirt with a character from a popular webcomic. A man steps in front of me — ignoring the social distancing guidelines of two metres — and starts talking to me.

Man: “Hi there! I like your shirt.”

I move away from him.

Me: “Thank you.”

Man: “Would you like to get coffee or something sometime?”

Me: “No, thank you.”

Man: “Why not?”

Me: “I’m engaged.”

Man: “Oh, really?”

Me: “Yes.”

Man: “I don’t see a ring.”

Me: “As it happens, my fiancee asked me to marry her about two months ago. We planned to visit my parents to tell them in person and collect my deceased grandmother’s engagement ring from their safety deposit box for me to wear. Obviously, that’s not possible right now.”

Man: “You could have just said you’re a lesbian instead of wasting my time.”

Me: “And you could have just accepted ‘no, thank you’ right off the bat, but here we are.”

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(I work for a company that produces, among other software, a word processor. A customer calls in, sounding frantic.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Software Company] technical support. My name is [My Name]. Can I have your case number?”

(The customer is very stressed and barely restraining himself.)

Customer: “SRX…”

(I check that I have the right customer.)

Me: “I’ll be happy to help you. What is the issue?”

Customer: “My word processor is not loading up, and I have to give this report to my boss in ten minutes! I demand that you repair your f****** software before that!”

Me: “Sir, I cannot promise any time frame but I will certainly work as fast–”

Customer: “NO! I NEED THIS FIXED IN NOW NINE MINUTES!”

(I stand my ground, as I’m going to be fired if I commit to a specific time frame. After two more minutes of pointless arguing…)

Me: “ABRACADABRA HOCUS POCUS SHAZAM!”

Customer: “What the f***?”

Me: “Is it fixed?”

Customer: “You think you’re funny? Of course not!”

Me: “Sir, I tried the magic way and it doesn’t seem to work. How about you let me work at it as fast as I can?”

Customer: “FINE!”

(Two minutes later, the problem was fixed and he was happily printing.)

(It’s been extremely hot lately and our ice machine is broken. Obviously, whenever someone orders cold drinks, we tell them that it’s impossible as politely as possible. A lady walks up to my counter with someone already on her trail waiting patiently in line.) 

Me: “Bonjour, Hi! How can I help you?”

Customer: “Uh… Hi.” *staring at the menu* “I’ll get… a Frappe… with the…”

Me: *to avoid going any further* “Um, excuse me? Unfortunately, I can’t make smoothies right now since my ice machine is broken. Actually, I can’t make anything cold, sorry.”

Customer: “Oh! Well, then I guess I’ll get an iced coffee.” 

Me: “Er… well, I can’t. My ice machine is broken, unfortunately.”

Customer: “Oh! Right! Well, I guess I’ll have to have an iced latte!”

(I feel like asking the woman if she is completely daft.)

Me: “Ma’am… please listen to me. We cannot make anything cold. No cold drinks, smoothies, or otherwise.” 

Customer: “Ew! Never mind, then!” 

(The girl leaves, and the person behind her, who’s been staring at our exchange the whole time, looks straight into my eyes.) 

Customer #2: “Um… Can I get an iced cappuccino?”

(I receive a phone call from someone claiming an arrest warrant under my name is in effect. I’ve heard often about this scam, but it’s the first time I’ve actually gotten the call. So, I decide to have fun.)

Caller: “We are calling to inform you that an arrest warrant will be issued against you…”

Me: “Yeah, I know!”

Caller: “You knew?”

Me: “Of course! The trial already started two days ago. I am escorted by the police every morning to get there! Why are you telling me this today?”

Caller: “The trial?”

Me: “Yeah, with the judge and my lawyer and the jury. Why are you calling?”

Caller: *now hesitating* “Well, there is another warrant for…”

Me: *cutting him* “The police already told me that other charges will be added, and I already told them about what I did to that man in the hotel room.”

Caller: “…”

Me: “…”

Caller: *hangs up*

(I just hope they will call again. It was so fun!)

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(This story takes place when I’m about six months old and going to Nova Scotia with my parents. We board the plane and notice that our seats are separated, which would leave six-month-old me alone with a stranger.)

Mom: “Excuse me, sir, but my six-month-old son is sitting next to you and I have a seat away from him. If you could go to my seat so I can sit next to my son, I would be very grateful.”

(The seats are identical.)

Man: “Nope, I paid good f****** money for this f****** seat, and I won’t have some needy b**** taking it!”

Mom: *calmly* “Well, I’m terribly sorry for this, but if you feel so strongly about this then you’ll have to take care of my son. He likes to eat food from [Brand] at six o’clock and needs to be rocked to sleep. Do not feed him peanuts, because he is very allergic to them. Do you understand?”

(The man, speechless, moves to the seat that my mom suggested to him.)

Mom: “Was that so hard?”

(The man gave us dirty looks for the rest of the flight, and once the flight was over, he started to insult us once more until my 6’1” Italian father came in and asked him to take a hike.)