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Isn’t That Extortion?

, , , , , | Friendly | March 7, 2020

(This story takes place when I’m about six months old and going to Nova Scotia with my parents. We board the plane and notice that our seats are separated, which would leave six-month-old me alone with a stranger.)

Mom: “Excuse me, sir, but my six-month-old son is sitting next to you and I have a seat away from him. If you could go to my seat so I can sit next to my son, I would be very grateful.”

(The seats are identical.)

Man: “Nope, I paid good f****** money for this f****** seat, and I won’t have some needy b**** taking it!”

Mom: *calmly* “Well, I’m terribly sorry for this, but if you feel so strongly about this then you’ll have to take care of my son. He likes to eat food from [Brand] at six o’clock and needs to be rocked to sleep. Do not feed him peanuts, because he is very allergic to them. Do you understand?”

(The man, speechless, moves to the seat that my mom suggested to him.)

Mom: “Was that so hard?”

(The man gave us dirty looks for the rest of the flight, and once the flight was over, he started to insult us once more until my 6’1” Italian father came in and asked him to take a hike.)

Beer, Batman, And Ghandi

, , , , , | Right | March 7, 2020

It’s Thursday night — the dreaded “DOLLAR BEER!” night. No one likes working this vomit fest, but it doesn’t affect me tonight since I’m tucked up safely behind the line in the kitchen, cooking. It’s about 8:00 pm and I’ve just finished an epic rush. I wander out to the bar to grab a pint before retreating to my sanctuary.

It’s comparatively quiet out in the bar since the students and the kids — who I assure you are 18 and over — haven’t turned up yet. On my way to the bar, I pass a table with two early starters in their mid-twenties. They have their tray of twenty plastic cups of cheap and nasty “beer” set out before them and are preparing to launch, so they’re still one hundred percent sober and have no excuse for what follows.

As I pass them, one says to the other, “Dude, that guy over there; I totally recognize him!” and points to an empty table by the wall across from them. I am baffled and pause in my stride.

“Yeah, man… Wasn’t he in the last Batman movie?”

I finally figure out that they’re pointing at a large framed poster of Mahatma Gandhi. In all seriousness, they thought Gandhi had a support role in The Dark Knight Rises. He really can perform miracles. God does move in mysterious ways… It’s true.

Somewhere It’s Beer O’Clock, But Not Here…

, , , , , , , | Right | February 24, 2020

Where I am, the law states that stores can only sell beer and wine up until 11:00 pm, and the registers will refuse all sales at 11:00 on the dot — they won’t even scan at that point until 8:00 am — and at 9:00 we lock the door so people can only be buzzed in or out. One night, at 10:50, two guys come in, of age, asking about what beer is on sale.

Me: “We have [lists brands], but you have less than nine minutes to get it to the register; otherwise, I can’t sell it to you.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah, yeah.”

The customer is clearly not listening. I go about my business tidying things up and doing my job. I see it’s now 10:55. They’re still looking at different beers, picking up the cases, looking at the prices, discussing, just taking their time, so I go into the beer fridge.

Me: “Hey, guys, if you want beer, you have to grab it now and come to the register. At 11:00 exactly, the registers don’t allow any sale of alcohol; it’s out of my control.”

Customer #1: “Yeah, yeah.”

Customer #2: “Hey, man, we’re deciding; just give us a minute.”

As they say this, other customers come in for random snacks, soda, cigarettes, etc., and I vaguely forget why the original two customers are in. They finally decide on a case after another five minutes, and when they come to the register, there are three people ahead of them. I see this, and when finishing with the first customer I let them know:

Me: “Hey, guys, I can’t sell you that. Please either put it back or put it down, and you can buy anything else, but both legally and literally, I cannot sell that to you until 8:00 am tomorrow.”

They don’t respond and just roll their eyes. They finally make it to the cash, and I’m hoping (incorrectly) that it’ll be easy.

Customer #1: “Hey! So, just this, and two packs of cigarettes!”

Me: “Two packs of cigarettes coming right up!” 

As I say this, I grab the case of beer, put it on the floor behind the register, and turn to grab what they asked for.

Customer #2: “Hey, man, that’s not funny. Give us our beer.”

Me: “I told you multiple times and was nice enough to warn you when you had five minutes. You’re well past the cut-off point of buying beer.”

Customer #1: “You didn’t say s***, you f****** a**hole! You’re gonna give us our beer for free now for this or I’m going to jump over that counter and f****** kill you.”

I’m used to angry people by now, so the second he got belligerent I hit the silent alarm, and the police station is literally across the street, so within seconds I can see three officers walk out the front steps and cross the street, headed straight for our door.

Me: “Our cameras record sound, too. And kudos to you if you can reach me before they reach you.”

I pointed to the officers moving very quickly towards us. It very quickly turned into the most bizarre cat-and-mouse game inside the store I’ve ever seen, with one of the idiots trying to run full speed, arms outstretched, into a pull door laughing, thinking he was making it home free.


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Stupid Is Calling

, , , , , , , | Friendly | December 29, 2019

(This is the good old time of landlines. I answer the phone.)

Me: “Hello?”

Caller: “Yeah, pass me Bull.”

Me: “Who?”

Guy: *overly pronouncing* “Buuuuullllll! Paaaaassss meeee Buuuuullllll!”

Me: “I think you have the wrong–”

(Then, I hear a voice in the background.)

Background Voice: “What’s going on?”

Guy: *not even trying to muffle himself* “It’s his stupid sister; she won’t pass him!”

Background Voice: “Maybe his family doesn’t call him by his nickname but his actual name.”

Guy: “Oh, yeah… Can I speak to [My Brother]?”

Me: “Sure, stupid.”

Can’t Make An Apples To Apples Comparison Between Them

, , , , | Right | December 16, 2019

(I work as a barista in a small coffee shop in a huge mall. One customer starts staring at the order menu in a concentrated manner.)

Customer: “I’ll have a cream latte.”

Me: “Excuse me? I really don’t know what that is.”

(I have never even heard this term before.)

Customer: “Yeah, a cream latte!”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t carry it; if you want I can make you a regular latte?”

(She sighs loudly and finally agrees. She proceeds to look at the pastries.)

Customer: “What’s this?”

Me: “Banana bread.”

Customer: “Oh… what’s this?

Me: “An apple turnover.”

Customer: “Oh!” *long pause* “What’s in it?”

Me: “Apples?”

(We kept at it for maybe five minutes and she even waited for me to bring her tray to her table.)