(I’m in a grocery store to pick up some empty boxes and grab a few ingredients for dinner while I’m there. While I used to work for the company, I left over a year ago and never worked at this particular location. I’m dressed in a black sweatshirt with a large event logo that looks nothing like the store’s logo.)

Customer #1: *pointing to wrapped cucumbers* “Excuse me. These are cucumbers, right?”

Me: *picking one up for my own purchases* “Yep, they’re the regular ones, for $1.69.”

Customer #1: “Thank you!” *he looks over at me* “Oh! I’m sorry, I thought you worked here.”

Me: “That’s okay, I used to. Glad I could help.”

(I continue through the store and end up in another aisle looking around for a smaller item. A lady approaches me while I was looking.)

Customer #2: “Excuse me, could you recommend me some crackers? Oh, I’m so sorry. I thought you worked here!”

Me: *laughing* “No, but I used to. Tell you what. I was always good with pairings, and I need to get some crackers myself. I’ll take you over there and help you find some.”

Customer #2: “Oh, thank you so much!”

(I work at a local insurance company, at the call center that provides transportation for people on medicaid and medicare — people who have insurance through the state due to low income, disability, or old age. Transportation is strictly for medical appointments so that people can utilize their insurance while also staying healthy and bringing our costs down by avoiding ambulance and ER visits. This is a story my coworker told me about.)

Coworker: “Hello! Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [Coworker]; how can I help you?”

Member: “Where is my cab?! I had a ride today!”

(My coworker checks her account and sees she has a ride for 10:00 pm tonight. Notes from previous rep say, “Member insists it’s an 11 pm appointment.”)

Coworker: “Okay, ma’am, it’s a 10:00 pm pickup tonight.”

Member: “Nooooo! My appointment is at 11:45 pm this morning! I don’t need no f****** 10:00 pm pickup. WHERE IS MY CAB?!”

Coworker: “It is scheduled to come tonight. When is your appointment today?”

Member: “11:00 pm.”

Coworker: “So, tonight.”

Member: “No, you’re f****** r*****ed! 11:00 pm this morning!”

Coworker: “I’m sorry, I keep hearing pm. Do you mean am?”

Member: “It’s this morning. I called yesterday.”

Coworker: “I understand that, ma’am. The issue is that you keep saying pm when I think you mean am, and I have notes here saying you did this yesterday.”

Member: “It’s one one zero f****** zero pm.”

Coworker: “So, just so I’m clear, you’re saying pm, as in this evening, as in afternoon.”

Member: “No! My surgery is before lunch!”

Coworker: “So, if I get you a pickup in the next 5 to 20 minutes, would that work?”

Member: “Yes, I want to be a couple minutes early.”

Coworker: “For your 11:45 am appointment, correct?”

Member: “I said pm, sir…”

Coworker: “So, no ride right now?”

Member: “Just send me that cab that y’all f***** up.”

(My coworker did end up setting up the cab ride, even though we have a policy against same-day-rides, as we call them. Also, before people start claiming senility or dementia, I would like to note the member was 47.)

(I work at a women’s fashion retailer. I am wearing a purple lace top that is loose around my stomach. This exchange happens one day with an older lady.)

Customer: “When are you due?”

Me: “I’m not pregnant.”

Customer: “Then why is your stomach sticking out?”

Me: *looking down* “I just ate. Your total is $12.98.”

(She didn’t even apologize, and she had the nerve to look offended that I wasn’t pregnant.)

(My wife and I are chatting with a friend of ours in the living room. We’re all on the couch, talking about my wife’s recent phone upgrade.)

Wife: “When [My Name] calls, it’s this really cutesy ringtone I found about gumdrops and stuff.”

Friend: “Romantic. What about when you call her?”

Wife: *calls me*

My Phone: *long, loud Wookie yell*

([Friend] bursts out laughing. My wife lays her head on my shoulder.)

Wife: “Yup, so romantic. That’s us!”

Me: “Also, when you text my phone goes—” *plays burp tone*

Wife: “Just so romantic!”

(Our friend says we’re made for each other. We agree!)

(It’s the night before Thanksgiving, and my sister and I are at our parents’ house. My sister is helping Mom cook while I try to help Dad set up the meat smoker he’s planning to use to cook the turkey the next day. We get it set up and the app connected on his phone, and we think that’s the end of it. Dad goes to help set up the local Thanksgiving 5K and my mom comes home from a little window-shopping and decides to look at the smoker’s manual.)

Mom: “I’m guessing Dad didn’t do a seasoning cycle?”

Me: “Um, no? What is it?”

(We proceed to read the manual and look it up online to find out how long this seasoning cycle takes. I find out it takes about two hours. Mom and I begin doing the math.)

Mom: “There’s also a preheat cycle that takes 45 minutes.”

Me: “Oh, dear.”

(More math. If we’re going to eat at noon, all of this plus the turkey’s cooking time means we’ll have to start the smoker about nine hours before we’re planning to eat. That’s like three am, unless we somehow manage to do the two-hour seasoning cycle tonight before bed, and it’s currently after eight pm. Mom and I exchange a look.)

Mom: “I guess we’re not smoking the turkey tomorrow.”

(She goes to find her roaster oven, and we determine how long the turkey will take in the roaster, with a little more Googling since she can’t find the manual. Apparently, the oven is not an option. When Dad gets home, he heads downstairs to put his things away before he goes to bed. I hear Mom explaining the situation, and then Dad comes back upstairs.)

Dad: “So, we won’t be smoking the turkey tomorrow. I guess I didn’t read all the directions.”

Me: *pause, then matter-of-fact* “Nope!”

Dad: “Oh, hush.”

(This is why you read all the instructions more than a day before you need the device!)