Every Thanksgiving Is The Same Old Cycle

, , , , , | Related | December 4, 2018

(It’s the night before Thanksgiving, and my sister and I are at our parents’ house. My sister is helping Mom cook while I try to help Dad set up the meat smoker he’s planning to use to cook the turkey the next day. We get it set up and the app connected on his phone, and we think that’s the end of it. Dad goes to help set up the local Thanksgiving 5K and my mom comes home from a little window-shopping and decides to look at the smoker’s manual.)

Mom: “I’m guessing Dad didn’t do a seasoning cycle?”

Me: “Um, no? What is it?”

(We proceed to read the manual and look it up online to find out how long this seasoning cycle takes. I find out it takes about two hours. Mom and I begin doing the math.)

Mom: “There’s also a preheat cycle that takes 45 minutes.”

Me: “Oh, dear.”

(More math. If we’re going to eat at noon, all of this plus the turkey’s cooking time means we’ll have to start the smoker about nine hours before we’re planning to eat. That’s like three am, unless we somehow manage to do the two-hour seasoning cycle tonight before bed, and it’s currently after eight pm. Mom and I exchange a look.)

Mom: “I guess we’re not smoking the turkey tomorrow.”

(She goes to find her roaster oven, and we determine how long the turkey will take in the roaster, with a little more Googling since she can’t find the manual. Apparently, the oven is not an option. When Dad gets home, he heads downstairs to put his things away before he goes to bed. I hear Mom explaining the situation, and then Dad comes back upstairs.)

Dad: “So, we won’t be smoking the turkey tomorrow. I guess I didn’t read all the directions.”

Me: *pause, then matter-of-fact* “Nope!”

Dad: “Oh, hush.”

(This is why you read all the instructions more than a day before you need the device!)

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