(After assisting a customer with an account issue.)

Customer: “I hate having to speak to all these foreigners before speaking to a real American. They can’t even speak English half the time. Thank God I am speaking to a real American.”

Me: “I will say, it can be hard to understand some of our overseas reps at times.”

Customer: “Yeah, lucky you and I were born in the USA. Real Americans.”

Me: “Actually, I was born in England, in the UK.”

(Shocked silence.)

Customer: “Well, you speak English real good. Fooled me.”

Me: “Uhh… Thanks? Is there anything else I can help you with?”

Customer: “No, no.” *muttering to himself before he disconnects the call* “D*** fooled me. Don’t know what’s going on in the world these days. Can’t tell the foreigners from the Americans!”

(I work part time in a grocery store deli. It’s around Christmas time when one of my coworkers brings in gifts she made for everyone in the form of some homemade sweets, like caramels and hot cocoa mix, all together in a plastic jar. She gives me mine.)

Coworker: “Here you go. I remember you’re allergic to nuts so I just gave you extra caramels instead of the nut clusters.”

Me: “Awesome. Thank you so much!”

(I put the jar away in the sandwich station fridge and go back to work. However, something is bothering me about the gift: I can’t quite place where I’ve seen those slender jars before. After a little while, I ask her.)

Me: “Hey [Coworker].”

Coworker: “Yeah?”

Me: “Where’d you get those jars you used?”

Coworker: “Oh, it’s just a peanut jar.”

(I pause, and stare at her silently.)

Coworker: “…oh. S***.”

(In her defence, she says she washed it out, but I still ended up just giving it to my roommate rather than risk it.)

(I am wandering around the school with some friends after lunch.)

Friend #1: “I’m so not ready for my math test.”

Friend #2: “What period do you have math?”

Friend #1: “My math class is next period.”

Friend #3: “Uh-oh, we’d better quiz you.”

Friend #2: “What’s 7+63?”

Friend #1: “69.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

([Friend #1] realized what she said and immediately face-palmed.)

(I’ve been tall all my life so I’m always mistaken as older. I’m used to it. My wife and I are grocery shopping and she goes off to another aisle to get something. The youngest my wife has ever been mistaken for is 19.)

Stranger: “Your daughter doesn’t look much like you.”

Me: “She’s not my daughter.”

Stranger: “Oh. Sister?”

Me: “No, she’s my wife.”

Stranger: *appalled* “You’re not old enough to be married!”

Me: “But I’m old enough to have a kid her age?”

Stranger: “Well… I guess not… But you’re so tall, so you must be older. And the pink hair, but that means you’re younger. Wait, then that means you’re gay. You’re not old enough to be gay!”

(I just rolled my eyes and walked away. I wonder what the stranger would have thought about the wine I later bought. And for the record, my wife and I are both 26.)

Little Girl: “I can talk to snakes!”

Cashier: “Oh? What do they say?”

Little Girl: *starts hissing*

Cashier: “And what does that mean?”

Little Girl: *face scrunches up* “It means—” *hisses louder*