Winded And Wounded

, , , , , | Romantic | April 26, 2018

(My husband and I are lying in bed, both on our phones, before going to sleep. He’s laughing, apparently reading something funny.)

Husband: “I promise you that if I live to 100, I will still find fart jokes hilarious.”

Me: “Oh, hun, that’s optimistic of you. Like I’m going to let you live that long.”

Being Clean And Dirty At The Same Time

, , , , , , | Romantic | April 22, 2018

(My husband and I are taking advantage of the kids being asleep to get intimate. Having not folded laundry in a week, we’ve accumulated a pile of it, which we have pushed off the bed first. We’ve just gotten naked and are now on the bed. I am face-down.)

Me: *coquettishly* “Now what are you going to do to me?”

Husband: *whisper-laughing* “Make you fold the laundry.”

Me: *laughing* “And they say romance is dead!”

Books Are For All Kids, Big And Small

, , , , , | Hopeless | March 26, 2018

(I work at a library. I am helping an elderly woman find some children’s books: “The Boxcar Children,” “Nancy Drew,” etc.)

Me: “Are these for your grandchildren?”

Patron: “If I told you who I was getting these books for, you wouldn’t believe me.”

Me: “Try me.”

Patron: “My 80-year-old wife grew up with 13 siblings. They were very poor, and didn’t have the advantages I had. My mother always took me to the library, and I read everything I could get my hands on. I read these to my wife every night to recapture some of the childhood she didn’t get to have.”

(I started tearing up. Sometimes I really just love my job, and I love people.)

A Sharp Wit Can Be A Lifesaver

, , , , , , | Romantic | March 24, 2018

(I’ve been suffering from chronic depression for most of my life, and my husband has been exceptionally patient and loving to me through my episodes. With his help, I’ve built a system that allows me to work through many of these episodes without medical or chemical help, which is especially important as I am currently nursing our infant son. Part of this system is warning my husband when I’m feeling especially emotionally raw, which we call a “blue day.”)

Me: “Love, I just wanted you to know I’m having a blue day.”

Husband: *concerned* “You okay, sweetheart?”

Me: “I’m just… stuck in this loop. I don’t even know what triggered it. I keep thinking, ‘Just go for the knife,’ and I can’t snap out of it.”

Husband: “Want me to dull the knives for you?”

Me: *caught off guard* “Wait, what?”

Husband: “Seriously! By the time I’m done, you’ll be asking, ‘Why won’t these things even cut butter?!'”

(I had to laugh as he acted out the impossible knives that couldn’t cut room temperature butter, and then got our toddler in on the fun. I’m so blessed to have someone like him!)

The Century Will Be All Downhill From Here

, , , , , | Romantic | January 18, 2018

(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)

Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”

Wife: “You bet!”

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