It’s Better Than Pooty Pie

, , , , , | Related Romantic | November 18, 2019

(I just started dating a woman who still lives with her family. The first time I come over to her house, I notice my phone number pinned to her bedroom wall, surrounded by hearts and the words “bitsy pookums.”)

Me: “Um…”

Girlfriend: “My sister thinks she’s so funny.”

(I married her anyway. And yes, I did catch the “Calvin and Hobbes” reference.)

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The Hangover Doesn’t Taste So Suite

, , , , | Romantic | October 22, 2019

Me: “Guest services, how can I help you?”

Caller: “You can help me by telling me what this $500 is on my d*** bill!”

(After looking up his bill, I see that not only did they smoke a number of substances which they left evidence of in the room, but they also broke the entire bathroom mirror, and burned a heart design into the computer desk.)

Me: “Sir, it appears that we have charged a fee on each of your rooms for damage as well as a fee for smoking in the room. This is a non-smoking property.”

Caller: “I can’t help what my girl does.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we have a strict no-smoking policy, and you are responsible for the state of the room because you made the reservation.”

Caller: “I can’t help it! My girl likes to smoke afterward!”

Me: “It also looks like you broke a mirror in one of the rooms.”

Caller: “That was Bibby. Bibby crazy, girl. Bibby crazy.”

Me: “Well sir, you made the reservations, so you are responsible for your girlfriend, as well as ‘Bibby’.”

Caller: “She ain’t my girlfriend, she just my girl.”

Me: “Someone burned a heart into the desk in one of the rooms, and we had to bring in a steam cleaner for both carpets, because of the vomit.”

Caller: “I told you Bibby was crazy.”

Me: “Well, sir, I’m sorry, but we are keeping the damage fee, even though ‘Bibby’ burned the desk.”

Caller: “Oh, no the desk was me.”

Me: “Then it is absolutely your responsibility.”

Caller: “It was a declaration of love, woman. She wanted a declaration of love!”

Me: “If you have any further questions, sir, you’re going to have to call our corporate customer care line.”

Caller: “It was for LOVE!”

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How Can She Still Be A Ray Of Sunshine Without Caffeine?

, , , , , , | Hopeless | September 10, 2019

(I work with one of the sweetest girls on the earth. She constantly looks out for the younger teens, takes on more than her fair share of work, and makes sure everyone gets their break. She’s not a manager because they don’t offer enough, but everyone loves her. She is pure sunshine and always a happy person who dresses in bright colors and is always cheerful. Ironically, she’s the one we always call to deal with the angry or irritated customers because she can always calm them down. Today, I see this huge guy — he’s at least 6’5” and has to weigh at least 240 pounds — come in dressed in leather with tattoos, a beard, and longer hair. He looks like he could and would break everyone in half. He’s carrying a coffee, which is against our rules; no outside food or drink are allowed. I radio over my headset for her, letting her know this guy has coffee, and she radios back that she’ll be right over. She literally squeals when she sees him and his face lights up. He then hands her the coffee and kisses her on the cheek and she grabs his hand and drags him over to meet me, where I’m standing with my mouth open.)

Coworker: “This is my guy! [Guy], this is one of the coworkers I work with.”

Guy: “Nice to meet you. Sorry about breaking the rules, but her coffee pot broke last night and I knew she needed some caffeine.”

(We stood there chatting a bit and I found out that he helps out with the local kids’ hospital, volunteers at the animal shelter, and basically is wrapped around my coworker’s finger. Just goes to show that you can’t judge a book by its cover.)

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Behind Every Successful Man, Is A Woman With A Password

, , , | Romantic | August 20, 2019

(I work at a bank call center. The accounts have security phrases that the customers need to confirm when they call so they can get assistance. I receive a call from a man who hasn’t called since 2016; he doesn’t remember his phrase. They can check and change this phrase in their accounts online, so he has his wife go and check. The phrase was, “I love my wife.”)

Wife: *while laughing* “I’ll make sure he doesn’t forget that.”

(It was one of the sweetest calls I’ve had.)

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Ordainers Can’t Be Choosers

, , , , | Friendly | July 18, 2019

(My best friend and I are both 25. She has been married for a year now, and I can’t remember the last time I went on a second date. She’s telling me that she and her husband both got ordained from some online group.)

Me: “You’re not going to be my maid of honor now; you’re going to be the one performing the wedding.”

Friend: “Or both! Or [Husband] can perform the wedding, since your spouse might not be close enough with him to have him as a groomsman. Or bridesman.”

Me: “Future spouse will probably be a man.”

Friend: “At this point, can you afford to be picky?”

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