Never Relinquish Your Sword For A Ring!

, , , , , , | Friendly | March 13, 2021

A friend comes over for movie night. I want a period piece and he wants to stay awake. We compromise with “Pride And Prejudice And Zombies,” that most delightful tribute to the spirit of Miss Austen’s wonderful women and their zombie-slaying abilities. We are both single and very platonic male-female friends. A common bond is that our jobs leave us no time to date and acceptance of our eternal bachelor(ette)-hood.

A scene comes up where the women are getting ready for a dance, which includes lots of shots of knives being hidden under garments on shapely legs in boots, and guns in bustiers.

Friend: “There, that’s all I want! Is that too much to ask?”

Me: *Pauses* “You mean, a woman who is incredibly attractive, the essence of feminine, yet can still kill you with a hairpin?”

Friend: “Yes! Exactly! And who can cook!”

Me: “Yes, [Friend], that is too much to ask.”

He enjoyed the movie.

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They Don’t Know. But I Know.

, , , , , | Romantic | February 20, 2021

I work in a small, locally-owned toy shop in a little college town; however, we have a lot of down-to-earth people and families.

A couple comes in with three kids and immediately the kids go crazy, wanting to show their parents every single toy in the store.

It’s a small store but it’s broken into three distinct sections, rooms connected by walkways. We have a card rack next to the cash wrap that has all sorts of cards.

As the wife is being dragged by her kids around the store, the husband comes up to me.

Husband: *Quietly* “Don’t let my wife see; we are big Star Wars fans.”

And he slides me a card with Chewbacca on it that says, “You’re my chew love,” and cash to pay for it. I quietly make small talk with him about the weather and ring him up. I finish just in time as his wife and kids walk around and then grab their dad to go beg and ask for toys.

I’m chatting with the mom and she sees a card on the card rack.

Wife: “This would be perfect for [Husband], but don’t let him see this.”

She slid me cash, finished the transaction, and winked. It was the exact same card.

They finished their shopping, purchased a few toys for their three kids, and walked out, both chuckling to themselves about how clever they were.

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of February 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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Take Care Of Your Partner. Period.

, , , , | Romantic | February 18, 2021

My period has never been regular or predictable, so I try to have supplies on hand at all times. My boyfriend helpfully purchases a small cabinet for his room and delegates a shelf just for my pads, tampons, and a private stash of pain meds.

Unfortunately, my period hits HARD unexpectedly on a night when I’m out of tampons. Despite it being 3:00 am, my boyfriend runs out to a twenty-four-hour convenience store to get more for me while I toss back a handful of ibuprofen and pray the cramps let up. When he comes back:

Boyfriend: “I couldn’t remember if you needed the ones with the green wrapper or the purple wrapper, so I got both. And I wasn’t sure if you’d be craving sweet or salty, so I got a bag of Lays and a pack of Oreos, and a two-liter of Coke for the cramps. Wait, why are you crying?!”

Me: *Sobbing* “Because I love you so much!”

We’re getting married in May!

This story is part of our Best Of February 2021 roundup!

Read the next Best Of February 2021 roundup story!

Read the Best Of February 2021 roundup!

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A Valentine’s For Over-21s Only

, , , , , , | Right | February 14, 2021

I am seventeen, working as a grocery store cashier. As I am under 21, I have to have an over-21 coworker ring up alcohol. My manager comes to scan a customer’s champagne. He is also purchasing flowers, a “Happy Anniversary” card, chocolates, and a box of condoms. As the manager finishes scanning, he says: 

Manager: “You have a nice day, sir.”

Customer: “I sure will!”

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This Sounds Like A Fair Deal To Us

, , , , | Romantic | January 31, 2021

My wife cooks; I clean up after. It’s a system that works really well for us, as she hates doing the washing up and I find basic cooking dull.

Occasionally, I will see a recipe for something special that I want to try, so we swap, much to my wife’s dismay.

Me: “I’ve seen this cauliflower cheese recipe that I want to try.”

Wife: “Oh, okay.”

Me: “It looks great.”

Wife: “Sure, but I mean, how great can cauliflower cheese be?”

Me: “I know what you’re saying, but let’s give it a go.”

I boil, roast, bake, and finish by grilling the cauliflower in the sauce. It turns out perfect. Despite my efforts, this leaves a lot of mess and washing up to do, this has to be good to impress.

After dinner:

Wife: “That cauliflower…”

Me: “Yeah?”

Wife: “I hate to admit it, but that was the best I have ever had. Can you make it again?”

Me: “Even with all the washing up?”

Wife: *Pauses* “Yeah, even with the washing up.”


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