You’re The Cat’s Pajamas, Honey!

, , , , , | Romantic | April 24, 2020

A few months ago, my wife and I adopted a pair of cats that we both absolutely adore. My wife and I are in our home office doing our own things when I spy the cats entering the room. I reach back and give them both pets, cooing at them.

Me: “Love you, [Cat #1]! Love you, [Cat #2]!”

I notice my wife looking at me, amused.

Me: “Love you, [Wife]!”

Wife: “Oh, I see. I rank below the cats for your affections.”

Me: *Looking insulted* “Of course not! You’re more of an afterthought.”

She laughed and gave me a thumbs up.

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Moms Will Be Moms

, , , , , | Related | April 10, 2020

I’m a 34-year-old man living on the opposite side of the country from my friends and family. I’ve always been kind of a loner and have found it hard to find people I’m really comfortable around. I also don’t go out much and work weekend nights only, so I usually spend my time by myself.

However, I’ve met a college student here who I have a lot in common with and we’ve formed a friendship. It’s an unusual relationship given that she’s only 19, but we appreciate each other’s company. We have lunch together once a week and sometimes she hangs out at my apartment where I cook for us and we play my video games.

It’s entirely platonic and neither of us is interested in a romantic relationship, but as a couple of loner gamers, it helps us both to have someone with whom to socialize.

I recently broke up with my long-term girlfriend for various reasons and I’m talking to my mother on the phone after having made lunch for my friend when she visited earlier that day. I sent my mother a picture of the steaks I made with my friend sitting at the table.

Mom: “I saw the picture you sent me. That looked like a nice meal you made for her. Are you two dating?”

Me: *Sigh* “No, Mom, I told you, we’re just friends and we’re only going to be friends. She’s not looking to have any relationship at this time and I’m not looking to start a new relationship since I probably will be leaving Michigan in a few months. Besides, she’s almost 15 years younger than me.”

Mom: “[Aunt] is fifteen years younger than [Uncle].”

Me: “Yeah, but [Aunt] was 29 when they met. They were both adults who were well established in their lives. [Friend] and I are in two entirely different stages of life.”

She saw my point, but she still isn’t entirely convinced that our relationship has zero romantic potential. I know she really wants me to find someone I can happily settle down with, but if I do, it will be with someone who can legally drink at our wedding.

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Listening And Communication Are Also Options

, , , , , , , | Romantic | April 9, 2020

I’m a 12-year-old boy. I’m sitting at the dinner table with my dad and my stepmom, who are having a conversation about some details of their relationship. When they successfully finish the conversation, I speak up.

Me: “I don’t understand women.”

Dad: “You’re twenty years ahead of the game, then.”

Me: “What?”

Dad: “Men cannot understand women. The best you can manage is to be loving and kind to them.”

Stepmom: “He’s right. Don’t bother trying to figure us women out. Just give us cuddles and listen when we speak.” 

Dad: “And if you’re ever tempted to argue with one, just remember that the woman is always right.”

I filed that advice away and have had great success in my romantic relationships by following it.

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We Thought It Was Creepy Pasta, Not Creepy Pizza

, , , , , , , | Romantic | February 28, 2020

It’s Valentine’s Day and I’m working with my shift manager and one other driver. Out of the three of us, I have the lowest rank but the most experience by a long shot, which lets me get away with a lot. It’s usually busy on this holiday as people have stay-in dates or feed babysitters while they go out, and we always get the requests for heart-shaped pizzas, which we don’t offer. We tried one year and it screwed up our times and messed up food cost because they didn’t “look right” and needed to be redone. Today has been no different, as I’ve turned a couple of people down by late lunch.

I come in from a delivery and see my coworker writing on a box in marker. I glance at it and it says something like, “Although I can’t be your Valentine this year, know I will always love you.” I just chuckle and move on until that coworker comes to me and tells me it’s for a customer that will be calling back and the pizza is for his girlfriend, but they’re on a “break.” I stare at her for a few moments and promptly nope my way out of it. I am not getting involved in whatever that is.

She leaves on delivery and I get back to my morning prep work. The phone rings and I answer. Surprise! It’s Mister Romantic. I begin to humor him, thinking I’ll just pass it off to my coworker, until he says it’s supposed to be heart-shaped. I tell him we don’t do that and he says my coworker said we did. 

I ask my shift manager if they want to go through the trouble for this guy and I get a noncommittal response. I go back and tell him no. Then, I find out more of the story.

This guy is living and working in Ohio and is trying to send a heart-shaped pizza and flowers to his — on break — girlfriend’s workplace here in Florida. He begins to tell me that his pizza place in Ohio does it and it’s really easy… blah blah blah… Meanwhile, my brain is putting together all the facts and realizing just how weird and stalkerish this sounds. Scenes of showing up to an unwitting escapee of a relationship and being turned away start playing in my head along with it.

He finishes trying to shame me into making his pizza heart-shaped and I tell him to call back when the coworker that promised it is back if he wants it, but the two of us there at the moment aren’t making it. I get, “I guess if you don’t do it, you don’t do it,” from him and work towards getting off the call.

Afterward, I relate what I learned to my shift manager and they agree that it sounds bad. When my coworker returns, I relate what I learned to her, and she says she knows and thought it was sweet. My manager glance at each other and I tell her, “We think it’s creepy. If he calls back, you can deal with it, but we want no part.” She grumbles a bit but lets it go. 

Fortunately, he never calls back.

I passed this story to some of my friends, and they all agreed. Super creepy.

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Cake Makes Everything Better

, , , , , , | Romantic | February 16, 2020

(I am a few months into my first “real” job. My marriage recently ended, and I am feeling very unhappy. Some but not all of my coworkers know that I am getting divorced. My birthday is coming up shortly, and I decide to throw a party to cheer myself up. What birthday party is complete without cake? So, I make a phone call.)

Me: “Hi. I’d like to order a birthday cake, please. It needs to be big enough to feed 25 to 30 people.”

Bakery Employee: “No problem. What would you like it to say?”

Me: “‘Happy Birthday, [My Name].’”

(I hang up the phone and realize that two of my coworkers are staring at me.)

Coworker #1: *smirking* You’re ordering yourself a birthday cake? That’s the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Me: “Well, I want a cake for my party. You’re all invited, by the way.”

Coworker #1: “Can’t someone else order it for you? What about your husband?”

Coworker #2: *nudges [Coworker #1]*

Coworker #1: “What?”

Coworker #2: “She’s getting divorced, idiot.” *to me* “I’ll come to your party. Can I bring anything?”

Me: “Just yourself.” *smiles gratefully*

(The party ended up being a huge success. The cake was delicious! By the time everyone had left, it was 1:30 am and my house was a mess. Oh, did I say everyone had left? Not quite. [Coworker #2] stayed behind to help me clean up. And – to paraphrase a famous saying – several years later, Reader, I married him.)

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