All the employees wear earpiece walkie-talkies, keeping us in contact at all times. Chatter on the main channel is kept to a minimum, as it’s the default channel everyone is required to use unless requested on another channel.

Our regional manager comes for a week-long visit. Normally, he doesn’t participate in store operations, so it’s the first time he uses one of the walkie-talkies. For some reason, he switches it from push-to-talk to always-on. This means we can hear everything on his end, plus it drowns out everyone else from being able to use the channel. I head off to try to find him to fix the issue.

Before I locate him, he heads into the managers’ bathroom, and chooses to ignore my polite knocks on the door. For the next 20 minutes, all two dozen staff members are treated to a disgusting chorus of a series of grunts, shuffles, curses, farts, and plops, followed by a loud flush.

When he comes out, he angrily looks into my office to ask me what was so d*** important that I tried to interrupt him. I explain the walkie-talkie to him, hearing the echo of my voice in my earpiece, then show him how to properly set it.

None of the employees can keep a straight face when they see him the rest of the day.

(Twice a week the same young man shows up at my office dressed in a suit jacket and tries to drop off a resume. Each time, I refer him to the website. He comes back, having not checked the site, still trying to hand in a paper resume. Finally, I sit him down and ask why he keeps coming back.)

Man: “My grandfather says I have to show up in person and make a good impression. He says that going to a website doesn’t show initiative.”

Me: “That’s not true. Do you even have any design or programming experience?”

Man: “Uh… No. You train, right?”

Me: “No, that’s the basics of what we expect from an employee. You know we don’t have any posted job listings, right?”

Man: “No, I didn’t go to the website because my grandfather said… Heck, I’ve wasted a lot of time, haven’t I?”

(I send him back with a letter to his grandfather.)

Letter: “Dear Sir,

Your grandson has come to my office on five occasions now, following your advice. That same advice seems to be what is hampering his job search.

When I am looking for an employee, I am looking for someone with initiative, thoroughness, and follow through. In this case, I want someone who takes the initiative to visit the website and research the company. I want someone with the thoroughness to read and follow the instructions on how to properly submit their resume. Finally, I want someone who follows through with an application to any job that meets their qualifications.

I hire only competent employees, and following the very basic instructions of how to apply for a job shows this competence. By having your grandson ignore this and follow your outdated advice, he has shown himself unable to use the resources at hand, unable to follow basic rules, and requiring special treatment.

Furthermore, as you have sent him to ‘hit the pavement,’ he doesn’t know the first thing about this business! (For example, showing up in a suit to an office where we dress exceedingly casually shows he is a bad fit for our environment.)

I’ve wished your grandson well in his job search. Please stop hampering it with your bad advice. This is the new millennium.”

(The young man thanked me! A few weeks later, he emailed that he found employment in a business completely dissimilar to mine. I hope he learned his lesson about not listening to dated advice!)

(I am conducting interviews for new employees at the small shop where I am manager. I have one interview scheduled towards the end of the day. He has not arrived yet, but I get a call.)

Interviewee: “Hey, I had a family emergency and I’m running late. Can we push the interview back two hours?”

Me: “We close in a half hour, and I have plans for later tonight. However, I can reschedule for later this week or next week.”

Interviewee: “No, that won’t work. Just stay after close.”

Me: “I told you, I’m unable to do that. We will have to reschedule for another day.”

Interviewee: “No, I can’t do that. Come on; work with me. I need to do this interview today.”

Me: “No, and I don’t think we need to continue.”

Interviewee: *aggressively* “But I need to do this interview today!“

Me: “I’m hanging up now. Good luck on your job search.”

(After work, I go to a movie with friends. I get back to my apartment complex to find a security guard waiting for me.)

Security: “Are you okay? We need you to contact the police right away.”

(I spent the remainder of the night on the phone with police. It turns out the interviewee had tracked down my address through a pizza place that had my information on file from previous deliveries. He managed to get past the front door, but security caught him lurking around and turned him over to police. Apparently, he told them he was going to show up at my door to make me interview him, as a way to impress me. Understandably, I didn’t hire him. I also complained to the pizza place, where they now have a policy to keep personal addresses from being shared!)

(My kids and I are going out to eat with family friends. I have my two kids, and my friend and her husband have their two kids. We enter a restaurant and wait for someone to seat us.)

Host: “Have you been helped yet?” *he’s been there, talking to the only other host and hostess since before we walked in*

Me: “Not yet. There are seven of us: three adults, four kids.”

Host: *looking at his chart* “Um… Okay… Do you all have to sit together?”

Me: *thinking I didn’t hear him right* “Sorry, what?”

Host: “Do you all want to sit together?”

Me: “Uh, yeah.”

(The host says he’ll be back and will check. He comes back, doesn’t pick up any menus, and seats us at a table. When the server arrives she has to go get us menus, silverware, and everything.)

My Friend: *turns to me* “Next time we should say, ‘Yeah, great! We didn’t know you offered childcare here, too! Go ahead and put the four kids together; we adults will sit in the bar.’”

(As kids, my brother and I were taught that if we got separated from our parents, we were to stay where we were so that when our parents started looking for us, they could find us more easily. One day at the mall, my brother — about three or four years old at the time — gets separated from the rest of us. After retracing his steps, my dad finally finds my brother… at the bookstore that we haven’t been to today.)

Dad: “What are you doing here? I thought I told you to stay in one place, not go wandering!”

Brother: “I did stay in one place. I came here so I could read while I waited for you.”