Building A Fake House Of Cards

, , , | Friendly | December 5, 2017

(We’re playing card games at a friend’s house. I’m ready to attempt a victory when he plays a card that completely ruins my hand.)

Me: *fake angry* “I was ready to win!”

Friend: “I know! That’s why I played that card. And I looked REALLY HANDSOME while I did it. When you tell this story, can I be on a horse?”

(And then he rode off into the sunset, gorgeous locks flowing luxuriously in the wind.)

Why Do Any Of Us Say Anything?

, , , , | Working | September 14, 2017

Me: “Okay, that’ll be $5.50, please.”

Customer #1: *handing me a $5* “That’s it. I don’t have the fifty cents.”

(She clearly expects me to be okay with not getting the change. Having never encountered this situation before, I freeze for a moment as my mind tries to come up with a coherent response.)

Customer #1: *suddenly looking embarrassed* “Wait a minute! Why did I say that!? Here!”

(She hands me a $1 bill, and we both laugh as I give her change back, and we wish each other a good day as she leaves. I ring up the next customer, who also pays in cash.)

Me: *handing him his change* “If you’ll sign right here please… Wait, why did I say that!?”

Unfiltered Story #93697

, , | Unfiltered | September 14, 2017

(I am a bank teller in 2001. It’s a small grocery store branch with retail hours and so we are open on a Saturday and fairly busy with a constant line of customers waiting. Even so, things are going pretty smoothly.

Our main website had lots of contact information for our branches all across Louisiana but these are still the days of old internet and people still often choose to look us up in the phone book and call in with questions. Because of a quirk of the way the phone listings appear, our little branch’s number not only appears first for branches in the area, it makes it appear that we are the “main” branch in that area. We are also one number off Ticketmaster. This means we get LOTS of phone calls but customers waiting in line should and do get priority most of the time.)

Me: *I hear the phone ring and I stop waiting on customers to answer.*

Me: Thank you for calling [bank name and branch], how can I help you?

Caller: Yes I was wondering if you could tell me the address and phone numbers of all your branches in the New Orleans area.

Me: *I look them up on my computer and list them for her. There’s at least 5 or more. Meanwhile, the other two tellers are busily working helping the growing line of customers.*

Caller: Ok now tell me all your branches in north Louisiana.

Me: *Again I look them up on my computer and list them for her. Again there’s about 5 branches or more. By this point I have already been on the phone several minutes.*

Caller: Ok now tell me all your branches in central Louisiana.

Me: *I pause and look up at the long line of ACTUAL customers waiting with ACTUAL business to do and given that this phone call seems like it’s going to take a while longer and given that there are LOTS more branches in that area plus the surrounding areas (like 20 or more) I decide I need to get off the phone and get back to work.*

Me: I’m sorry ma’am but I have a long line of customers here waiting to be helped. I need to either put you on hold for a few minutes until we have a small break in foot traffic or I can give you the number to our dedicated 24 hour live agent telephone customer service.

Caller: *screaming* WELL EXCUSE THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!!!!

Me: *I jerk the phone away from my ear and look at the handset like it just bit me, weigh my options for a second, decide this person isn’t even a customer and has no intention of being one and hang up without saying another word*

Me: *I look up at the line of customers who have been waiting pretty patiently.*

Me: Ok! I can help whoever is next!

(Yeah I shouldn’t have hung up on her but oh well, I did. I always expected this to come back one day and bite me in the ass but it never did. I have submitted this both to NAW and NAR because frankly I feel like it fits in both categories.)

Wouldn’t Hurt To Try The Gangsta Lifestyle

, , , , | Working | September 10, 2017

(The roll of paper in our credit card machine is about to run out, so I ask my coworker to grab me a new one. She opens the cabinet without moving aside, and leans over the door in such a way that it digs into her.)

Coworker: “…ow.”

Me: “Don’t hurt yourself!”

Coworker: “Can’t hurt a gangsta!”

You’re The Only One Dying To Go There

, , , , , , | Related | August 31, 2017

(My siblings and I are talking about what we want to do for lunch. My sister is highly allergic to most citrus fruits, as well as many types of seafood, to the point where most allergy protection systems restaurants use aren’t enough.)

Me: “We should go to [Popular Restaurant where they cook the food in front of you]!”

Sister: “I can’t eat there.”

Me: “Why? Don’t like the food?”

Sister: “Nope. Don’t like the death.”

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