My wife and I have decided on a car to purchase for her. We make the deal with the salesman and are sent to the finance office to finish the transaction.

Employee: “You do want the title to have both of your names on it as ‘and/or’, correct?”

Me: “No. Just ‘or’.”

Employee: “I think you really should have it titled ‘and/or’.”

Me: “Just ‘or’.”

Employee: “Are you sure? Everyone has it ‘and/or’.”

Me: “Since I’m not everyone, just ‘or’.”

Employee: “Well, okay.”

We leave with the car. A week later, we get the title in the mail and there is a lienholder listed. And it is titled “and/or” in our names.

Back to the dealership we go, angry.

Employee: “What can I do for you today?”

Me: “You can correct the title to the car we bought last week. First, I told you to title our name with just ‘or’, not ‘and/or’.”

Employee: “I thought it was better the way I titled it.”

Me: “Not that I should have to explain, but in a passing conversation with my attorney friend, he said the ‘or’ takes priority over the ‘and’ and makes it unnecessary. And, because we paid your owner for the car, you should abide by our wishes. Secondly, you have a lienholder listed and there is not a lien on the car.”

Employee: “Well, you called your bank while you were in my office, so I assumed there was a lien with the bank the check was written on.”

Me: “Did you ask me? No. Did I tell you there was a lien? No.”

Employee: “Then, how did you buy the car without a lien?”

Me: “Although it is really none of your business, haven’t you ever had anyone buy a car and pay cash?”

I later found out that he called our bank to verify that there was no lien on the car.

I couldn’t wait to deal with him again when I traded my truck off the next year, but alas, the dealership went out of business before I got the chance.

If you have an officially recognized club at my college, you have to participate in the Student Government Association’s (SGA’s) “Club Olympics” each year. It’s required, but it’s a fun way for clubs to compete and get (pretty decent-sized) cash prizes for their clubs.

My club was a newly created club designed for gaming — computer, console, competitive, board, etc. — and, as such, was small. However, we were officially recognized by the SGA, so we were fully intending on competing and winning.

My club walked up as a group to the signup desk, and the person at the desk asked for our name. We told them the group name, and we were prompted to make a team name to make things easier. We just blurted out “Gamers” as a joke, but they took it.

The Olympics were full of minute-to-win-it games, and we were frankly dominating the competition. Things took a turn for the worse when the prizes were announced.

Each game gave out a certain amount of points. You added up the points, and the most amount of points won, up to three winners. I had taken a peek at the scores and knew we had won second place. Not wanting to spoil the surprise, I kept it to myself, until:

Announcer: “For third place, we have the art club! For second place, we have the zoology club! And for first place, we have the Spanish club!”

I was confused. I was about to interject and ask what had happened to us when this announcement was made.

Announcer: “And for the honorary club that sort of just showed up but did really well, here’s an honorary prize!”

It was a small bucket of candy. I sort of sheepishly raised my hand (in front of about seventy-five people).

Me: “We’re not an honorary club… We’re recognized by the SGA.”

The announcer’s face went white since they knew we had gotten second place. Of course, we didn’t go because of the money — honestly, we went because it was required — but the fact that we had been cheesed out of it was kind of upsetting.

After the group disbanded, I went up to the administrator of the event and asked her if their thinking we were an honorary club had barred us from winning. She had a very distraught look on her face because she didn’t want to take the second-place prize from the club she had originally awarded it to.

Thankfully, the treasurer came out and told us not to worry, as they “had it in their budget” to also give us the second-place prize. Usually, these things end poorly, but after spending three hours in ninety-five-degree weather, we were glad that our sweat and tears (quite literally) paid off.

I’m a dishwasher at a nursing home. Today, they are serving loaded mashed potatoes and chicken cordon bleu. I pop out to the dining room to grab some dirty dishes off the table and a resident storms up to me, or rather angrily wheels up to me, clutching the to-go box that we give to residents that eat in their rooms.

Resident: “Do you work in the kitchen?!”

I worked retail for many years prior to this, so I put on my “customer service persona.”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. How may I help you?”

Resident: “There were pieces of black plastic in my potatoes! I gave them to the guy to bring to the cook, but then there’s this stuff in my chicken!”

Me: “Ma’am, that’s just ham.”

Resident: “Well, still, there’s black plastic in my food! I don’t want it!

The resident shoves her box at me.

Me: “I’ll go ahead and throw this away for you. Can I get you something else to eat?”

Resident: “A grilled cheese sandwich!”

Me: “All right, a grilled cheese sandwich.”

Resident: “With pickles!”

Me: “That’s a grilled cheese sandwich with pickles. I’ll let the cook know.”

When I went and talked to the cook about it, she told me those “pieces of black plastic” were bacon.

My wife’s daughter was moving out of her apartment as the lease was up. She did the walk-through with management and came out clean, but she was told that all that would be returned to her was her security deposit. She was told the pet deposit was not refundable when she inquired about it.

I was very good friends with an attorney in town — fishing friends if you get my drift. [Stepdaughter] told me about the pet deposit, and I brought it up to [Friend] while we were fishing. [Friend] explained our state law concerning pet deposits: that they shall be considered as a security deposit and are, by law, refundable. I passed this on to [Stepdaughter].

She asked me to go with her to demand the pet deposit from the manager. I copied the state statute and presented it to the manager a few days later. [Manager] refused to refund it.

Me: “We will see you in small claims court!”

And I slammed her office door. [Stepdaughter] did not realize how forceful I could be.

I went with [Stepdaughter] to court. She was placed on the witness stand by the judge and questioned as to whether she tried to work the issue out first.

Next up to the witness stand was [Manager]. [Manager] tried to defend her company position such that the former management company didn’t turn over the pet deposits to her company when they took over.

Judge: “That is not this young lady’s problem. Her stepfather is correct in the law, and you will return the pet deposit. And because you passed the deadline to return that deposit, you will pay her the pet deposit and one and a half damages plus interest.”

As we left court, I couldn’t resist passing the manager in the hall with this comment.

Me: “I gave you the chance, and now it’s only costing you more.”

[Stepdaughter] started contacting other former tenants about the law, and management was overrun with small claims court, we discovered.

It’s very handy to fish with an attorney.

I always wished something like this story would happen and I was able to witness the happening.

An adult was umpiring a little league baseball game of eight-year-olds. The kids were not very skilled, and the pitchers had a hard time getting the ball in the strike zone. There were many walks during the five-inning game. Because of this, parents were complaining about the umpiring, yelling nasty things at him.

After the second inning, while the team in the field was “taking infield”, the umpire took a seat on the first row of the stands. And sat there, and sat there, and sat there.

After several minutes, the parents began calling to the umpire to start the inning. He turned to the crowd, held up his mask, and offered it up to anyone.

Umpire: “Since all of you think you can call balls and strikes better than me, I assume one of you will take this mask and get behind the plate.”

The crowd said they would be quiet if he would just finish the game umpiring.

Umpire: “One more crack from anyone and I will call the game and send these kids home.”

I just sat there with the biggest grin.