Customer: “One pound of shrimp.”

I grab a couple of handfuls and throw them on the scale. It’s one pound on the dot.

Kid: “Wow! You got it on the first try!”

Customer: *Rolls eyes* “The sign says, ‘Twenty to thirty to a pound.’ He just counted twenty shrimp. He didn’t do anything special.”

A friend wanted to help me out by offering me work that her company usually gave to an agency.

Client: “Here is a copy of the brochure. We normally pay the agency about $500 to redo the brochure every year, but we’ve already spent $350, so I have $150 to pay you.”

Attached was a cell phone picture of a brochure.

Me: “Oh, okay. That’s well below my usual rates, but it should be okay if you’re giving me the original assets for minor alterations.”

Client: “Yes, I already attached it. Didn’t you see it in the email? No wonder you haven’t been getting much work. Your attention to detail isn’t great is it?”

The client was referring to the cell phone picture of their brochure. Needless to say, I thanked my friend for the opportunity before suggesting that their old agency might be in a better position to make the changes.

I typically worked the closing shift at a hardware store. We had one guy who was notorious for coming in fifteen to thirty minutes before closing and continuing to shop, forcing us to stay there while he finished.

One night he came in, shopped our clearance items, and then checked out. Because he was there past closing hours, we couldn’t use that downtime to do our duties like clean up the registers, put stuff back, etc. We still had to do it, but his appearance meant we would be late getting out, so I came up with a plan. If he had no problems making us late, I wouldn’t have a problem giving him the same treatment.

I scanned a few items, then stopped, took a swig from my drink slowly, breathed out a refreshing “Ahhh,” and then went back and scanned another item. I stopped again, slowly took my vest off, then looked at the computer screen of the cash register to go over a few things. I scanned another item or two, stopped, then grabbed a rag and dusted off part of the register or things I needed to wipe down.

At one point, I just stopped and did nothing, looked at the screen, and then looked over toward the other cashiers as if I was waiting for a command. I repeated parts of this process a few times as he usually had a larger order. I got paid for time on the clock, so why not?

All that time, he and his entourage were waiting for me to finish. Nobody said a word. I figured if he had no reservations coming in late and holding me back, I had no problem taking my time and making him late, too, preventing him from leaving at a reasonable time. He knew he couldn’t leave without his precious clearance items as someone else might get them the next morning, so he had to wait.

Eventually, I finished the transaction, taking three or four times longer than I would have with a normal transaction. Looking back, I think that I should have turned the power off to the register and then turned it back on before taking cash or credit. That way, we’d have to start all over again.

From that point on, I noticed that he never came in close to closing time and always left well before we made closing announcements. Remember, retail workers… while corporate may believe the customer is always right, you can teach customers that they will be treated just the same as they treat you.

I’m shopping in a supermarket. I turn to go down the next aisle when I see a woman and her daughter blocking it with their trolley. I pause a moment to consider getting past them when I notice that she is applying nail polish; it’s so unusual and blatant that it makes me stop in my tracks.

She has several very expensive bottles of nail polish opened and set up on the trolley seat like her own personal display and has left the shelves a mess of boxes and opened bottles.

I watch her finish doing a nail, hold her hand out to consider the colour, frown, and then put the bottle back on the shelf. This shop doesn’t have testers, so she has just ruined another bottle.

I blurt out without thinking.

Me: “Wow, the thieves are getting bold these days.“

Instantly, I regret saying anything at all. I was just going to scuttle off, but then she comes back with this stupid comment.

Customer: “I am not a thief! I haven’t taken anything.”

Me: “And you’re going to pay for the products you used?“

Customer: “It’s not stealing! I put it back!”

Me: “You still used it! You can’t take a bite out of an apple and not pay for it.”

Customer: “It isn’t an apple; it’s makeup!”

Me: “You are just utterly clueless.”

Customer: “What’s it to you, anyway? You don’t know what it’s like to be a single mum!”

She goes on and on. I tell her that I simply do not care; her circumstances do not make it okay to steal, which riles her up even more. I walk off, at which point she rams me with her trolley, the whole time ranting and raving about how hard it is to be her.

We get a few aisles down. She is still in pursuit and has struck the back of my heels twice already when an employee comes over.

Employee: “Is there a problem?”

Me: “Yes, I caught her stealing and now she’s mad at me.”

Customer: “What? No, she was rude. I demand you kick her out!”

Employee: “What was it that she was stealing?”

Me: “Makeup — well, nail polish. She has opened a dozen bottles. I bet her nails are still wet.”

Customer: “It’s not stealing! I put it back!”

The employee radios for loss prevention. They lead her away with her shouting her innocence.

Me: “What’s going to happen to her?”

Employee: “They will ask her to pay for the products she damaged or ban her from the store.”

Me: “I doubt she will pay.”

Employee: “The crazy ones never do. Thank you for bringing this to our attention.”

I’m a male stylist in my friend’s hair salon. Her last name is a man’s first name — for example, Michael. The name of the salon is Michael & Company.

One morning, I have an appointment at 9:00 and I’m in early to get myself ready for the day. I’m also the only one there at the time. About fifteen or twenty minutes before 9:00, a woman comes storming in.

Me: “May I help you?”

Customer: “I’m looking for Michael!”

Me: “We don’t have a Michael here.”

Customer: “Well, I know Michael and I thought you were him. You’re not Michael & Co?”

Me: “I’m [My Name]. Do you need an appointment or something?”

Customer: “I want a haircut now!”

Me: “Well, I have someone on her way, and right now I’m booked for the next month. I can book you then. Otherwise, you can check back in an hour or so to see if the others can get you today.”

Customer: “No, I want you to do it today!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m booked for the month. There’s no way I can get you until then.”

Customer: “Well, in the time we’ve stood here talking, you could’ve already washed it!”

Me: “That’s true, but then my client with an appointment would have to wait. So, I can book you next month, or you can check with one of the others in about an hour.”

She stood there for a couple of seconds, staring at me, and then she left, slamming the door behind her. Then, she SAT IN HER CAR waiting to see if I really had someone coming.

Of course, my client was two minutes late!