Me: “How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’m looking for a parcel.”

Me: “May I have your tracking number, please?”

Customer: “My what?”

Me: “Your tracking number. All of our parcels have tracking numbers that the sender can give you if you do not have it.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have it?”

Me: “Because I didn’t send you the parcel.”

Customer: “So, who did then?”

Me: “Sir, do you not know who sent you the item?”

Customer: “No, but my neighbor just had something delivered and I want one too. So send me something now!”

(The caller then muffles the phone and I can hear what sounds like sobs.)

Me: “Sir, are you okay?”

Customer: “I’m so lonely and I just wanted to get a present!” *more sobbing*

Customer: “I’m so lonely!”

Me: *speechless*

Customer: “Never mind, I’ll go now…”

Me: “Sir… wait. We do have a parcel for you. I just need to confirm your address to send it to you. It will be there this afternoon!”

(After he gives me his address, I have a quick whip around the call center and we get a card signed by the team, put in a few chocolate bars with other happy bits and pieces, and send it to him. He calls the next day and thanks us all. Now, he rings once a week on average, and we are all happy to chat with him.)

(I’m having a very bad day, having dealt with a series of unpleasant customers. I have a half-hearted smile on my face when a six-year-old boy walks in. He stares at me for a second, then gives me a hug.)

Me: “Thanks, but where is your mommy?”

Boy: “She’ll be here soon.”

Me: “She might not want you hugging random strangers.”

(He shakes his head.)

Boy: “Mommy says retail people need more hugs. You looked like you needed one.”

(A female customer comes up to my register with a heap of baby books. She notices my name tag.)

Customer: “That’s an unusual name. Where did your parents come up with it?”

Me: “Oh, my parents are Star Trek fans. The character I’m named after happened to be a name they liked. It’s also Native American and means ‘light’.”

Customer: “It’s beautiful! Do you mind if I write it down?”

(Flattered, I write down my name, the pronunciation, and the definition on a slip of paper. The customer buys the baby books and leaves. Six months later another customer comes in, and sees my unusual name.)

Customer #2: “Oh, so that’s where she got it.”

Me: “Pardon?”

Customer #2: “My sister-in-law just had a baby girl. She said she got the name from an employee in this store.”

Me: “Oh, my. Well please thank her for me. It’s an honor.”

(I never got to meet the next generation of my name. I will not forget the lady who bought the books and chose my name over all the others.)

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Customer: “I can’t get the microphone on my laptop to work. Do you think you could help?”

Me: “What were you trying to do with it?”

Customer: “I can’t get it to hear what I’m saying.”

Me: “That’s pretty common. The settings are probably a little off. Let me take a look.”

(I boot the computer. After switching a few settings, I get the microphone to work.)

Me: “There, you should be all set. The settings were just wrong. You should be fine now.”

(I clap into the microphone so she can see the soundbars going up and down. She thinks I am clapping in celebration of her now-fixed computer. She begins to clap rapidly along with me.)

Customer: *clapping* “Yay! This is the best day ever!”

(I am taking orders on both lanes at the fast-food restaurant. I already have other customers at the second window as someone pulls up to the menu board.)

Customer: “Hablas español?” (“Do you speak Spanish?”)

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I’ll be with you in just a minute.”

Customer: “Hablas español?”

(I say the only thing I know in Spanish.)

Me: “Lo siento, pero no puedo hablar español. Solamente inglés o japonés.” (“I’m sorry, I don’t speak Spanish. Only English or Japanese.”)

Customer: *in heavily accented English* “I SPEAK JAPANESE TOO!”

Me: “Hontoo? Nihongo o hanasu?” (“Really? You speak Japanese?”)

Customer: “Soo desu yo! Shichi-ban ga hoshii, nomimono wa Sprite desu!” (“Yes I do! I want a number 7 with Sprite!”)

Me: “Nani mo ga hoshii?” (“Would you like anything else?”)

Customer: “Chotto.” (“No thank you.”)

Me: “Hai soo desu, shichi doru san juu sento onegaishimasu. Ni-ban me fune de gozaimasu.”

(The other customers at the second window are still there with a flabbergasted look on their faces. I hand them their food.)

Me: “Don’t ask, it’d take too long to explain. Have a nice night.”

Other Customers: “Sayonara!”

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