We have two shifts for waitstaff: a lunch and early afternoon shift and then a late afternoon and dinner shift. Each server covers a specific “zone,” and you hand off to another server at the end of your shift. That means that if someone comes in right when things are changing over, the person who brings them their food or brings them the check can be a different person than the one who took their order.

I’ve come in for my shift to find I have a group of six already seated with their order taken. Their meal comes up quick, and I take it out to them. They don’t seem to notice that I am a different person, but I am able to ask who had what and I get five of the six meals laid out. On the sixth, however, we hit a snag.

Me: “And here is [meal] for you.”

Diner #1: “This isn’t what I ordered.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry about that. What did you order?”

Diner #1: “I dunno, but this isn’t what I ordered.”

I check the receipt to confirm that the meals all match what was ordered.

Me: “Okay, did anyone else actually order the [meal]?”

The table all either ignore me as they’ve started chowing down or give little shrugs.

Me: “Well, this is what is on the order form. Are you sure that you didn’t order the [meal]?”

Diner #1: “No.”

One of the other diners looks over from her food.

Diner #2: “[Diner #1], you did ask for [meal].”

[Diner #1] gives a sort of shrug. I’m getting rather annoyed because more people are coming in, and I have more orders I need to go take, but I work to keep my smile up.

Me: “All right, well, this is the [meal] that you asked for. I’m sorry if it doesn’t look like you thought it would, but this is what was on the order ticket. There is a menu there if you want to look up something else. I have to run. Let me know if there is anything else you need.”

I then left the meal in front of her and hurried off before she could claim it wasn’t what she had ordered again. I mentally wrote off that table as far as tipping goes, but one thing I’ve learned is that it doesn’t pay to bend over backward for one customer when it means leaving several other customers neglected.

Of course, when I came back by, her plate was half-devoured and she was eating it quite happily. She didn’t mention the order being wrong again, and they tipped just fine.

During the health crisis, my mum’s gotten exceptionally bored as she’s had to shield, so she has picked up the hobby of bird watching by looking at the front garden from her chair in the living room. She’s been very successful in getting birds — almost exclusively sparrows — to flock as she’s been putting an inordinate amount of varied bird food, plus housing, out for them on the tree just outside that window. These are probably the most pampered — and fattest — wild sparrows in the UK.

As we’ve been hit by snow, Mum’s aggressive bird feeding policy has only upped, resulting in a LOT of fat little sparrows gathering. As of the week of this story, we’ve got about a hundred of the little hooligans fighting over the abundance of food and attacking every other non-sparrow that so much as glances at it.

I’ve made a cup of tea and, upon reentering the living room, I notice that all the little fat things have gone and that a lone sparrowhawk — without any prey — is perched on the tree with the food on. I slowly get my phone out to take a picture.

My mum is sat in the chair next to the window.

Mum: “What are you doing?”

Me: “Don’t move; there’s a sparrowhawk.”

Mum: “It’s just a large sparrow.”

Me: “Did you actually look?”

She looks directly at the MUCH LARGER THAN A SPARROW sparrowhawk.

Mum: “It’s just a sparrow… Where are the other sparrows?”

I’m struggling with my phone whilst trying not to spill my tea.

Me: “They’ve f***ed off cause a sparrowhawk tried and failed to nom them.”

Mum: “It’s not a sparrow—”

The sparrowhawk flies off.

Mum: “Oh, it was a sparrowhawk. I thought it was a sparrow.”

Me: “It’s like 100 times the size! Only the colouring is similar!”

I walk up to the desk of my rec centre after work to renew my gym membership. A world-weary woman behind the counter looks up at me.

Attendant: “Are you here for the gym or pool?”

Me: “Umm, I’m looking to renew my gym membership. The pool’s closed for two weeks.”

Attendant: “Wait. You know that?”

I look at her strangely.

Me: “Yeah. There’ve been signs in the parking garage and on the doors for weeks. I was staring at three signs about it as I was waiting in line. I saw it in big letters on your webpage when I checked your hours. I mean, my hand is resting on a Sharpie-written notice right now.”

Attendant: “So… some people do see them…”

Me: “I am so sorry about your next two weeks. Here’s my card to renew.”

I am working the front desk at an assisted living facility when two family members come up to look at the outing lists I have posted on the side of the desk.

Woman: “So… this outing today to [Mexican Restaurant]. Can she go on this?”

Me: “It looks like there’s enough space left! You’re welcome to sign her up.”

Woman: “But… then there’s this bus ride to tour [Local University Campus], too. How can she go to both?”

Man: “Yeah, that might be too much for her.”

Me: “Well, they’re both on different days.”

He points at dates in bold on the two sheets.

Man: “This one for the restaurant is for today and this one is for next week.”

Woman: “But if she goes to this one—”

She points to today’s outing.

Woman: “—at 11:30 and then the other at 1:00, she’ll have a really busy day and might get over-tired.”

The man is nodding along.

Me: “But… they’re not on the same day, so that wouldn’t be a problem. The restaurant outings usually take about two hours, sometimes two and a half or three with driving time. The bus tour takes around an hour. And our staff will always bring residents back who aren’t feeling up to it anymore.”

The woman nods while staring back and forth at both sheets.

Woman: “Okay… I’m just worried that two outings in one day might be pushing it.”

I am looking back and forth between the two.

Me: “They’re on separate days. This one is for today—” *points to it* “—and this one—” *points to it* “—is for next week. We only ever do one outing on a day.”

Woman: “I’m not sure… That’s quite a few hours out of the community in one day.”

Me: *Inner sigh* “Here.”

I pull out the calendar and point to today.

Me: “This is today. Today is the outing to [Mexican Restaurant].”

I slide my finger through the rest of the week and on to next Friday.

Me: “And here is the outing to [Bus Tour], a week from today. Each outing is a week apart, on different Fridays.”

Woman: “Hmm…”

Man: “But if she gets too tired doing two outings today, she can come back early?”

Me: *Giving up* “Yes, they will bring her back early if she gets too tired.”

Woman: “Okay, let’s sign her up for both of today’s outings, then.”

They signed the resident up for both of “today’s” outings and left. I have no idea where their brains were. Seriously, how else could I have explained it?! People have real issues paying attention.

I work at the enquiries desk at a hospital. Most of the major banks in Australia no longer charge withdrawal fees for using a different bank’s ATM. However, a lot of people don’t realise this or prefer to use their own bank’s ATM.

Visitor: “Do you have an ATM in here?”

Me: “Yes, we have two, [Bank #1] or [Bank #2]. Which would you prefer?”

Visitor: “[Bank #3].”

Me: “That was not an option, sir; we’ve got [Bank #1] or [Bank #2].”

The visitor just stares at me blankly.

Me: “Okaaaay, then.”

I give them directions to the closest one.