(Let it be known that there are only two ways to get to Catalina Island: by boat or by helicopter.)

Me: “[Hotel]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. And when’s the earliest we can check in?”

Me: “Normally not until noon but we may be able to make an exception. When is your boat scheduled to arrive?”

Customer: “Oh, no, we’re not coming by boat.”

Me: “Okay, helicopter, then?”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s silly.”

Me: “Well, may I ask how your planning to get here?”

Customer: “Down the 405, duh!”

Me: “I’m sorry, you can’t drive to Catalina Island.”

Customer: “You can’t?”

Me: “No, it’s an island. You know, surrounded by water.”

Customer: “Catalina Island is an ISLAND?!”

Me: *headdesk*

This story is part of our 3rd Terrible At Geography roundup!

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(I have a line of guests at the front desk waiting to check-in, but I can’t ignore the phone ringing. I saw that it was an inside call from a room and I answer it, hoping this will be quick. I’m used to stupid questions but this was the best.)

Me: “Guest services, how may I help you?”

Guest: “Yes, how do you work the television?”

Me: *without missing a beat* “There should be a remote control on the night table in between the two beds in your room. On it, there should be a circular orange button that says “POWER”. Push it and the TV should turn on.”

(At this point, the young couple in front of me is laughing.)

Guest: “Okay, what do I do then?”

Me: “Well, once the TV is on, you can push the yellow arrow buttons that say ‘channel’ to find the station you’d like to watch. Would you like to know where the channel listing is in your room?”

Guest: “No, but thanks. I’ll give it a try.”

Me: “My pleasure.” *hangs up*

Young Couple: *still laughing* “Are you serious?”

(A guest approaches the hotel front desk.)

Guest: “Um, hi… it looks like there was a pretty bad accident right down the street there…”

Me: “Oh okay, I’ll call 911.”

Guest: “It looks like a cab and a bus.”

Me: “Okay, thank you.” *picks up the phone*

Guest: What are you doing?

Me: “Calling 911.”

Guest: “Look, a lot of people have cell phones, I’m sure it’s fine. What I’m concerned about is that I think that was my cab.”

Me: “…?”

Guest: “SO ARE YOU GOING TO CALL ME A CAB OR NOT?!”

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Caller: “Yes, I would like a room for tonight.”

Me: “I’m terribly sorry. We are completely sold out.”

Caller: “Really!? I can’t believe that.”

Me: “I’m sorry. We truly do not have any rooms to sell.”

Caller: “Can I be put on a waiting list?”

Me: “No, we do not do waiting lists.”

Caller: “Who has rooms, then?”

Me: “I would try [Hotel #1] and [Hotel #2]. They may still have rooms available.”

Caller: “You mean, you don’t know?”

Me: “Um… no. I’m sorry I do not.”

Caller: “Well, book me a room at one of those, then!”

Me: “Yeah… there is no way for me to do that. I can give you their phone numbers, though.”

Caller: “Why can’t you just book them for me? Use your fingers at your little computer and get me a room!”

Me: “Thank you for calling Guest Relations; this is [My Name]. How can I assist you today?”

Guest: “I need to cancel my reservation I had a death in the family, and I won’t be able to make it.”

Me: “I’m certainly sorry to hear about that. I can contact the hotel for you and see if they would be willing to cancel the reservation without penalty. Can you give me the confirmation number?”

(Just then, his wife is in the background yelling at him, trying to take the phone away. She is calling him a liar and telling him that he is going to h*** if he does not tell me the truth. Then, she gets on the phone and says…)

Guest’s Wife: “I’m really sorry, but my husband is a liar and there was no death in the family. He made a mistake and booked the wrong hotel, and he doesn’t have the balls to admit it.”

Me: “Oh! Well, then, yeah…”

Guest’s Wife: “I have told him not to do it, but he did.”

Me: “I’m sorry ma’am, but our policies and procedure for this rate are very strict. I would not be able to cancel the reservation for you without a penalty.”

Guest’s Wife: “SO YOU’RE A LIAR, TOO! You told my husband you would see if you can cancel without a penalty and now you can’t! BULLS***!”

Me: “Ma’am, I have to ask you to watch your language. We can contact the hotels if it’s an emergency. But we can never guarantee that it will be cancelled without a penalty for you. I advised that I would ask for you–”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE, THEN! IF IT HAS TO BE THAT WAY THEN I DIED; JUST TELL THEM THAT. I’M SURE THEY WOULD CANCEL THAT, THEN. RIGHT?!”

Me: “But ma’am you can’t be dead; I am talking to you. I’m sorry. I can’t cancel the reservation for you. If I do, you will be charged.”

Guest’s Wife: “YOU ARE A HORRIBLE PERSON! YOU DON’T CARE IF WE DIED! I DEMAND A REFUND OF THIS. NOW.”

Me: “Unfortunately, I’m not able to assist at this time, so you guys have a great day.”

Guest’s Wife: “FINE, THEN! THIS WAS POINTLESS. Thanks for nothing, you heartless b****.”

Me: “You have a great day!”

(This person was the laughing stock of the day. She had the nerve to call back four times and try to convince someone to cancel the reservation for her with the same sob story again. Some people…)

This story is part of the Hypocritical Customers roundup! This is the last story in the roundup, but we have plenty of others you might enjoy!

Some other roundups to check out if you liked this one:

10 Customers Who Lied About Their Health To Get Ahead

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Read the Hypocritical Customers roundup!