Me: “Good evening, [hotel]. This is Patrice. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I’d like to check your availability for December 24th to the 26th.”

Me: “We do have rooms available for those dates.”

Caller: “I work for the government, and I’m wondering if you have the government discount?”

Me: “Only government employees on official government business are eligible for our government rates.”

Caller: “I’m on official business, then!”

Me: “… You’re trying to book a room for Christmas.”

Caller: *hangs up*

(The night before, I called the police because of a hit and run in the parking lot of my hotel. The cops put some kid in handcuffs because of a tip I gave them. The next night the kid’s mother found me.)

Mom: “Hey! You’re the girl Alice that was working last night!”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I am.”

Mom: “You know that the cops put handcuffs on my 16 year-old son?”

Me: “Yes ma’am, I was here for that.”

Mom: “Well, the police told me a girl named Alice told them my son wrecked that car last night. I want to know why you told them that.”

Me: “Well, ma’am. Your son was down here talking about the car accident he was involved in last night.”

Mom: “But the cops put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “…”

Mom: “My son is only 16 years old, and they put him in handcuffs and didn’t even tell me!”

Me: “Well, what would you like me to do about that?”

Mom: “I want you to apologize.”

Me: “For what?”

Mom: “For calling to police and getting my son handcuffed!”

Me: “You want me to apologize for reporting a crime?”

Mom: “Yes!”

Me: “Well, I’m not sorry.”

Mom: “But the police put him in handcuffs!”

Me: “Well, sounds like you have a problem with the police.”

Mom: “Listen here, b****, I’m not leaving until you say you’re sorry!”

Me: “You might be a while ma’am, because I’m not sorry!”

(While standing in line for the bathroom at a resort, I overhear two young boys talking.)

Boy 1: “Why are the lines for the girl’s bathroom always longer? Is it because the boy’s bathroom has that special sink?”

Boy 2: “You mean the urinal?”

Boy 1: “Yeah. ‘Cause you can fit like five guys around it.”

Boy 2: “Or, if they’re skinny, you can fit seven or eight.”

Boy 1: “And if they’re FAT you can only fit two.”

Me: “Good evening, thanks for calling [hotel]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I’d like to make a reservation. I’m with the *** wedding party.”

(I take down his information for dates he’ll be staying and size of beds. Then, we get to the type of room…)

Me: “… And would you like a standard room, or would you prefer poolside, or could I interest you in a suite or other luxury room?”

Customer: “I want a standard room. It needs to be near an elevator, because my wife has back problems.”

Me: “We also have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside, which would be much less walking.”

Customer: “No. I want it near an elevator.”

Me: “Sir–”

Customer: “It’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Sir, there is no parking near the elevators, and it would be farther for her to walk to the elevator.”

Customer: “She can take elevators, it’s about the horizontal distance.”

Me: “Yes, sir. I understand, but we have rooms on the ground floor with parking directly outside. It would be much closer than if you had to park and then take the elevator.”

Customer: “I want to be near the elevator!”

(I put him in one of the standard ground floor rooms anyway with adjacent parking, for the sake of his wife.)

Me: “Hello, and welcome to ***** Hotel. How was the drive up here?”

Wife: “Oh, it was stunning! I have never seen such beautiful trees, and the water, such a pretty color in the lake!”

Husband: “It was a very nice drive indeed.”

Me: “Well that’s great, we pride ourselves on our natural beauty here in Canada. Can I get your names for your reservation?”

Wife: “Yes, indeed. Here you go.”

(She hands me her confirmation sheet.)

Wife: “Can you tell me though, how do you get the water in Lake Louise that turquoise color?”

Me: “I’m sorry? What do you mean?”

Wife: “Well the water is so clear, but it’s green, it looks like the ocean. Do you paint the bottom that color?”

Me: “Oh no, the water has a green color because of the copper minerals in the water. When they oxidize, that’s why it looks like the ocean.”

Wife: “Oh, that’s crazy! Everybody knows copper is brown like a penny, not green. It’s painted, isn’t it?!”

(I tried to explain for quite some time that we don’t dye the water, and that copper is the reason it looks blue-green.)

Wife: “Well there is no way that its natural! ”

Me: *getting annoyed* “Yes, we drain the lake and paint the bottom of the lake at night.”

Wife: “See, was it so hard to tell the truth?” *walks away*

My manager: “You know, I should fire you for that… but I think I would have done the same thing.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [hotel], this is [name]. How may I assist you today?”

Customer: “What time do you stop room service?”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t offer room service.”

Customer: “What’s up with that?”

Me: “We don’t have a kitchen in the hotel.”

Customer: “Well, y’all need to get one!”

Me: “You’re right. I will start filing for permits and hiring subcontractors and have the kitchen built before you arrive.”

Customer: “That’s great, you truly offer excellent customer service!”

(A customer is trying to cancel a non-refundable reservation at a hotel…)

Me: “I apologize sir, but we will not be able to issue a refund at this time.”

Customer: “I am a doctor and will have to attend to an emergency at that time. So, you need to refund me.”

Me: “Again, I apologize, sir, but as the hotel is unwilling to refund, we will be unable to refund you at this time.”

Customer: “Well, I guess I will just have to see you in court. I am a lawyer and I am going to sue you.”

Me: “Sir, as a lawyer, I am sure you read over the terms and conditions of your reservation. As I am sure you noted, this reservation is nonrefundable. If you’d like, I’d can review the terms and conditions with you…”

Customer: “The Catholic Church is going to curse you! I am a lawyer for the Catholic Church and I will tell the bishop to curse you!”

(At this point, I didn’t know what to say to this multitalented doctor and lawyer for the Catholic Church.)

(Please note that I work in a beautiful 4-star hotel.)

Me: “Good afternoon, how may I help you?”

Husband: “We would like to have a room for tonight.”

Me: “Okay, I have a room with a queen size bed. Is that okay for you?”

Wife: “How much is it?”

Me: “$127.”

Husband: “Well, can you offer me a better price?”

Me: “Unfortunately, I can’t.

Husband: “Okay, that’s fine.”

Me: “Here is your key; your room is on the 5th floor and is a VIP room. Have a nice stay!”

(22 minutes later…)

Wife: “We would like to have our money back.”

Me: May I ask you why?

Wife: “Uh, we don’t like the decoration.”

Me: “I’m sorry madam, but I can’t give you your money back… you stayed in the room for 25 minutes.”

Wife: “… and?!”

Me: “Why didn’t you come back after 5 minutes?”

Wife: “… because!”

(We all know what they did during 25 minutes!)

Me: “Thank you for calling *** Inns and Suites, how may I help you tonight?”

Customer: “Yes, my plane was delayed, so I need to cancel my reservation in Vegas and get a room here.”

Me: “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that, sir. Let me look that up for you.”

(I take his information, call the hotel, and talk them into canceling the reservation even though their policy said he should have had to pay for it because of the short notice. I put in the extra effort because I felt bad for the guy.)

Me: “Okay, sir, I’ve taken care of that and made you a new reservation at a hotel there. Your total for the room is going to be $89.”

Customer: “But my flight was delayed and I had to cancel my other reservation. My stay should be free!”

Me: “Well, you’ll have to check with the airline. They should pay for all or part of your hotel stay.”

Customer: “They told me you’d pay for it.”

Me: “Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure why they would have told you that. The airline is responsible for the delay. We are not and we can’t give you a free stay. You’re going to have to talk to them.”

Customer: “Look, you’re going to give me a f****ing free night in the f****ing hotel here. You have to. My flight was canceled.”

Me: “Sir, I have to ask you not to curse at me. I will terminate the call.”

Customer: “Look, b****–” *click*

(I received five or six hang up calls in the next 30 minutes, which I assume were his attempts to get another agent. Unfortunately for him, I was the only person working after midnight. I no longer felt bad for him.)

(The fire alarm is going off at our extended-stay hotel. I get a call at the front desk.)

Hotel Guest: ”What is that sound?”

Me: ”That’s the fire alarm ma’am, please evacuate the building.”

Hotel Guest: “Well, can you please turn it off? My son is sleeping.”

Me: “I’m sorry, I can’t do that. Only the Fire Department can, once they inspect the building. Please take your son and evacuate the building immediately.”

Hotel Guest: ”I can’t do that, he’s sleeping!”

Me: *bangs head on the counter*