(It is right at the end of my shift as manager on duty at a hotel. It’s been a night that I could tell a lot of stories about, but I’ll just settle for the absolute most ridiculous complaint I’ve ever fielded. My front desk agent comes to the back to get me.)

Agent: “[My Name]? There’s a lady at the front desk who wants to talk to you about our ‘Do Not Disturb’ signs.”

Me: “Okay. Was she missing hers?”

Agent: “No… Seriously, you’ll have to talk to her. She’s freaking crazy.”

(I go out to find a woman standing at the front desk with a DND sign in her hand, with a couple of friends. It’s worth noting that some of our DNDs have cutesy sayings on them just to break up the monotony of “do not disturb.”)

Me: “Hello! What can I help you with tonight?”

Guest: “Well, I just wanted to tell you that THIS—“ *holds up a DND reading “Busy Constructing a Pillow Fort”* “—is just unacceptable!”

Me: *assuming she thinks it’s too unserious* “I’m sorry you feel that way, ma’am. I—“

Guest: “I showed this to my friends and we all agree — a pillow fort means an erection, and that is just so inappropriate!”

(She rambles on for a while about this, which is good because I need a moment to process what I just heard.)

Me: *when she finally stops for breath* “Ma’am, I assure you it’s not meant to be anything like that. It’s… you know… like when little kids stack pillows to make a little cave…”

Guest: “Well, no kids should be putting out Do Not Disturb signs!”

Me: “No… but their parents are…”

Guest: “Well, I want you to inform your corporate office about this! It’s just vulgar!”

Me: “Um… I’ll do that, ma’am. I can provide you with a different sign if you’d like.”

Guest: “Oh, this isn’t mine. My friend saw it on a door and took it to ask us what it meant.”

Me: “Wait. You took a do not disturb sign off of another guest’s door?!”

Guest: “Yes.”

(This is bad; we take DNDs very seriously and it’s a real issue if a guest who didn’t want to be bothered gets walked in on by housekeeping.)

Me: “What room is it from?!”

Guest: “I don’t know! It shouldn’t be up, anyway!”

(She then handed me the sign and left. So, now, I get two angry guests for the price of one, just because this woman couldn’t take responsibility for her own dirty mind!)

(My family is traveling for the holidays, and we are staying in a hotel. One night there isn’t much on TV, so my two sons — 18 and 16 — get into a discussion about “Thomas the Tank Engine” for some reason. They both loved Thomas videos as young children, and they are inspired to look one up on YouTube. If you have ever watched “Thomas the Tank Engine,” especially the older ones from the late 90s and early 2000s, you know that the eyes on the engines move, but their mouths are not animated.)

Son #2: “Were all of these narrated?”

Me: “Um, yeah.”

Son #2: “Their mouths don’t move! Just the eyes!”

Me: “That was always the case, honey.”

Son #2: “No, that’s not right. Some of them had moving mouths, didn’t they?”

Son #1: “Dude, their mouths never moved. They were like a model railroad with a voiceover.”

Son #2: *frowning* “My childhood was a lie!”

(Even at sixteen, he’s still pretty cute sometimes.)

(I work in a hotel. A Russian guest in town for business purposes checks out, pays for his stay, and is handed his bill. He reads it carefully, practically staring at it.)

Coworker: “Is something wrong with the bill, sir? Did I misspell the name of your company?”

Guest: “No, not name.” *says something in Russian* “Breakfast!”

Coworker: “Oh, if you need a separate bill for the breakfast, that’s not a problem.”

Guest: “No! Tax!”

(The tax on the breakfast is actually higher than the tax on the hotel room itself, so we think that this might be confusing to him and that he probably thinks it’s too expensive.)

Coworker: “Sir, these are the tax rates in Germany. I’m afraid we cannot change that.”

(The guest still seems unhappy and mumbles something under his breath. Finally, I get what he was trying to say.)

Me: *to coworker* “Gosh, he doesn’t want to have the tax on the breakfast adjusted; he wants us to adjust the tax on the room and make it higher! That way, he’ll get more money back from his company than he actually paid here!”

Coworker: “Sir? Is that what you wanted us to do?”

Guest: “Yes! Yes! You can change for a new bill?”

Coworker: “No.”

Guest: “Why not change?”

Coworker: “Because that would be illegal. Have a nice day, sir!”

(He left rather disappointed.)

(I’m working in a hotel reception for a few hours, to see what the job entails and learn how to use the specific software used for reservations. It’s a small, privately-owned hotel mostly used for business. As I’m talking with the colleague training me, he mentions that weekends are very dead and quiet. Barely anything will happen, and I will mostly have to find ways to entertain myself during my shift.)

Me: “I wonder what I could do to make time pass.”

Coworker: “You can browse the Web, watch videos, or read a book if you have one.”

Me: “I don’t know. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable doing that while at work.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “Um… Because I’m here to work?”

(If they want to pay me for sitting there and doing nothing for eight hours, they might as well pay me for staying home.)

(At my current workplace, I’m one of the more knowledgeable front desk agents. This is partly due to having been there for several years, and partly due to having actually been management for a short period before requesting to go back to my previous position. I’ve decided that I no longer enjoy the hotel business and have been looking for a new job, but I haven’t had much luck. My manager is aware of this and has mentioned that he’s glad not to lose me quite yet. The following takes place over text.)

Me: “So, [Manager], you know how my job hunt hasn’t been going too well?”

Manager: “Yes, and shamefully, selfishly, I am glad for that.”

Me: “Yeah, about that… I just got an email from [Institution where he knows I applied for a job].”

Manager: “Don’t open it! It’s spam!”

(It was not spam, and much to my manager’s chagrin, I have an interview later this week.)