(My family is traveling for the holidays, and we are staying in a hotel. One night there isn’t much on TV, so my two sons — 18 and 16 — get into a discussion about “Thomas the Tank Engine” for some reason. They both loved Thomas videos as young children, and they are inspired to look one up on YouTube. If you have ever watched “Thomas the Tank Engine,” especially the older ones from the late 90s and early 2000s, you know that the eyes on the engines move, but their mouths are not animated.)

Son #2: “Were all of these narrated?”

Me: “Um, yeah.”

Son #2: “Their mouths don’t move! Just the eyes!”

Me: “That was always the case, honey.”

Son #2: “No, that’s not right. Some of them had moving mouths, didn’t they?”

Son #1: “Dude, their mouths never moved. They were like a model railroad with a voiceover.”

Son #2: *frowning* “My childhood was a lie!”

(Even at sixteen, he’s still pretty cute sometimes.)

(I work in a hotel. A Russian guest in town for business purposes checks out, pays for his stay, and is handed his bill. He reads it carefully, practically staring at it.)

Coworker: “Is something wrong with the bill, sir? Did I misspell the name of your company?”

Guest: “No, not name.” *says something in Russian* “Breakfast!”

Coworker: “Oh, if you need a separate bill for the breakfast, that’s not a problem.”

Guest: “No! Tax!”

(The tax on the breakfast is actually higher than the tax on the hotel room itself, so we think that this might be confusing to him and that he probably thinks it’s too expensive.)

Coworker: “Sir, these are the tax rates in Germany. I’m afraid we cannot change that.”

(The guest still seems unhappy and mumbles something under his breath. Finally, I get what he was trying to say.)

Me: *to coworker* “Gosh, he doesn’t want to have the tax on the breakfast adjusted; he wants us to adjust the tax on the room and make it higher! That way, he’ll get more money back from his company than he actually paid here!”

Coworker: “Sir? Is that what you wanted us to do?”

Guest: “Yes! Yes! You can change for a new bill?”

Coworker: “No.”

Guest: “Why not change?”

Coworker: “Because that would be illegal. Have a nice day, sir!”

(He left rather disappointed.)

(I’m working in a hotel reception for a few hours, to see what the job entails and learn how to use the specific software used for reservations. It’s a small, privately-owned hotel mostly used for business. As I’m talking with the colleague training me, he mentions that weekends are very dead and quiet. Barely anything will happen, and I will mostly have to find ways to entertain myself during my shift.)

Me: “I wonder what I could do to make time pass.”

Coworker: “You can browse the Web, watch videos, or read a book if you have one.”

Me: “I don’t know. I don’t think I’d feel comfortable doing that while at work.”

Coworker: “Why not?”

Me: “Um… Because I’m here to work?”

(If they want to pay me for sitting there and doing nothing for eight hours, they might as well pay me for staying home.)

(At my current workplace, I’m one of the more knowledgeable front desk agents. This is partly due to having been there for several years, and partly due to having actually been management for a short period before requesting to go back to my previous position. I’ve decided that I no longer enjoy the hotel business and have been looking for a new job, but I haven’t had much luck. My manager is aware of this and has mentioned that he’s glad not to lose me quite yet. The following takes place over text.)

Me: “So, [Manager], you know how my job hunt hasn’t been going too well?”

Manager: “Yes, and shamefully, selfishly, I am glad for that.”

Me: “Yeah, about that… I just got an email from [Institution where he knows I applied for a job].”

Manager: “Don’t open it! It’s spam!”

(It was not spam, and much to my manager’s chagrin, I have an interview later this week.)

(The hotel I work for is running a special through an online coupon site for February: a jacuzzi suite with champagne, chocolates, and Valentine’s card set up for the guests. It’s all going for over a hundred dollars less than our regular room rate. A woman checks in after three pm; a little after nine, she storms down to the front desk.)

Guest: “I need to switch rooms immediately.”

Me: “I’m sorry, was there something wrong with the jacuzzi?”

(If there’s an issue with the tubs or the electronics in the room or anything else, we’re instructed to switch guest rooms right away and note the issue for housekeeping and maintenance.)

Guest: “No, it was fine. I didn’t realize the room was so small when I booked it. Now I don’t have any space to do my work.”

(The jacuzzi suite is actually quite big, the tub taking up only one side of the room, leaving enough space for a California King bed, computer desk, dresser, etc., but I try to work with her.)

Me: “Well, it’s quiet in the lobby; you could just push all the tables together to give you enough space to work.”

Guest: *hisses* “You expect me to handle confidential paperwork in public?!”

(I look over her shoulder at the completely empty lobby.)

Me: “Ma’am, there’s no one in the lobby, and I’m fairly certain if someone comes down to grab a cup of coffee, they’re not going to be looking over your shoulder. But if you want, there are tables in the pool area. It’ll close in an hour, but since you won’t be swimming, I can keep it open for you. That should private enough for what you need.”

Guest: “You rude little witch. I want to speak to the manager!”

Me: “Ma’am, there’s nothing we can do. The manager isn’t here, and even if he was, you’ve been in the room for over six hours and have used the jacuzzi. The size of the room is not a valid issue when it comes to reassigning rooms. We cannot resell your room because the housekeeping staff has gone home, and if I move you to a business suite, I will have to charge you the price difference of the room.”

Guest: “This is outrageous! I didn’t know the size of the room when I booked it!”

Me: “There were pictures of the room on the website, along with photos of the champagne and chocolate arrangements we offered for the coupon deal. I’ve given you options to allow you to get your work done, while still enjoying your suite. I could move you to a business suite, but I will have to charge you for it.”

Guest: “Get your manager on the phone right now! I’m not working in the lobby or the pool, where anyone can see the sensitive nature of my work, and I’m not paying for a new room! Call your manager now!”

(I called and told him the situation, but instead of instructing me to follow HIS hotel policy, he told me to go ahead and switch the rooms free of charge, because he was worried she’d leave a bad review on the coupon site about her stay. Despite shaking from anger and embarrassment, I had to grin while cutting the now smugly self-satisfied guest keys to the business suite and telling her to enjoy her stay in her new accommodations. And then he wondered why I quit several weeks later. Oh, and the guest STILL left the hotel a nasty review.)