(When I was a teenager, I did drugs to cope with mental illness and a bad situation at home. It resulted in me being addicted to intravenous medicines and drugs. Later, I ended up in rehab and got proper care. This happens a few weeks after I get released from rehab.)

Nurse: “We have to take a blood test so we know you don’t take drugs anymore.”

Me: “Don’t you usually do pee tests?”

Nurse: “We think a blood test will be more effective in your case.”

Me: “I would really prefer that you don’t force me to have my blood drawn.”

Nurse: “We really think it would be more effective in your case.”

Me: “You think forcing an ex-addict to be stabbed with needles is going to be effective to said ex-addict’s recovery?”

(I did the pee test.)

I volunteer at a nearby hospital. My position is mainly front-desk, which means when visitors come in to see a patient, they have to get a visitor badge from me or the other volunteer. The badges have to show the visitors’ names, destination, time they checked in with the front desk, picture, etc.

The pictures come out a lot darker than expected, almost as silhouettes. Every time someone makes a comment like, “Why is my picture so dark?” or, “How come it looks like this?” I tell them, “I don’t know why it makes everyone look like a locked video game character.”

After that, the visitors leave the front desk and go to see their patient while laughing and carrying a smile on their face.

(I am an OB-GYN doctor, and I am very close with a nurse who started working here at the same time I did. I am six months pregnant, and she is five months, but we both look about the same. I’m planning on transferring to a GP practice whilst she is going to be a stay-at-home mum. I’m leaning against a counter and the nurse is standing on the other side of it. We’re discussing our plans when the mother of one of my patients walks up.)

Woman: “It’s so nice to hear that some women still want a traditional family. I can’t imagine not putting your children first.”

Nurse: “Well, I think it’s more about what works for the family. Most women put their babies first in that way.”

Woman: “I know, but not even being engaged? That’s only an indicator of a lack of commitment on the parts of both parents.”

(She inclines her head slightly in the direction of my ringless hand.)

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but I don’t think my private life is any of your concern.”

Woman: “It is when you’re not being a good role model for others in your position.”

Me: “Well, I wasn’t exactly planning on my boyfriend dying, but there you go.”

(My boyfriend died of an aneurysm when I was fourteen weeks pregnant. It was sudden, but I’m eternally grateful that I didn’t lose the baby, too. The woman at least has the decency to look ashamed.)

Woman: “Well, I’m very sorry to hear that.”

(My main reason for sharing this is to say please don’t judge pregnant women. I’ve had teenage girls pregnant due to assault, women who are forced to give up their babies because they can’t find work, among a huge number of other situations. Please don’t try to make everyone you meet conform to your worldview.)

(I’ve been having trouble getting solid sleep lately, and my partner informs me that I’ve suddenly stopped breathing in my sleep a few times. My doctor refers me to a local hospital for a sleep study. My partner comes with me, since he’ll be helping me set up the equipment for my at-home study. The technician walks us through the process, and packs everything up for us to take home.)

Tech: “Now make sure you start hooking this all up a half hour before midnight, okay? You don’t have to be asleep when it switches on, but you should be in bed and settling down for the night. It’s all automated and will beep when it comes on, and switches off again at nine-thirty. Any questions?”

Me: “No, I think I’m—”

Partner: “Yes! I have one.”

Tech: “Yep?”

Partner: “We can still have sex once she’s all hooked up, right? I’ve always had a thing for Borgs.”

(One look at his face, and the tech can tell he’s not serious. I’ve been pretty anxious about the not-breathing thing, and he’s been trying to make jokes all day to cheer me up.)

Tech: “Now, I know you’re joking, but please don’t actually do that. You can damage the leads or accidentally switch the recording device off. We’ve had it happen.”

Partner: *surprised* “You’re kidding!”

Tech: “No. We even had one man book an in-hospital test, and his wife showed up with him. She apparently thought it was like a hotel, and that he was just after a night away from the kids.”

Me: “Wow.”

Tech: “She wasn’t thrilled when we told her she had to leave.”

Partner: “Well, would you be? I mean, there goes your romantic evening in these luxurious surroundings…” *he waves around the very basic hospital room we’re sitting in*

(I’m putting a splint on a patient who broke his thumb working on heavy machinery. I’m trying to keep him talking to help with the pain.)

Me: “So, how did you get into this kind of work?”

Patient: “F*** if I know… Oh, sorry!”

Me: “I don’t mind; this is a f****** ER.”

Patient: *laughs*