(I work as a librarian at a university library. A very tall, awkward guy approaches me.)
Patron: *avoiding eye contact* “Do you have a book on sexual growth and development? Because I’m very confused right now.”
(Unfortunately, we didn’t have any books but I directed him to one of my male coworkers.)
(I am a young woman with multiple health problems, which have left me in a wheelchair currently. On top of that, my left eye is light-sensitive, red, and watery. I’ve had it checked out by the doctor, but they think it was just a bit of dust, and it’s fixing itself. However, I get to look like I’m crying from the left all the time until it goes away.)
Husband: “Aw, is someone a widdle sad?” *makes mock-crying noises*
Me: “Yes, that is what you’ll sound like… after I shank you in the kidney!”
Husband: “Oooh, ouch. It’s a good thing I love your adorable violent streak.”
Me: “I wonder how much you’ll love it after peeing blood for a few weeks.”
Husband: “Probably less so, then.”
(I am at the front counter, barely in view of the liquor section. I spot a man hanging around there for about ten minutes, and then he attempts to leave casually with his suspiciously bloated coat.)
Me: “Excuse me, sir.”
(The thief stops dead.)
Me: “Could you open your coat, sir?”
Thief: “Why?”
Me: “Please open your coat.”
(The thief proceeded to walk towards the exit when he slipped and fell flat on his front, smashing all the bottles he had kept hidden in his coat. The drinks gushed out and the glass fragments were lodged into the thief’s chest, causing him severe bleeding. He was quickly rushed to the hospital where he received stitches and a pair of handcuffs for attempted robbery.)
(We have an old coworker who took another job, but left on good terms. We receive word that he has been seriously injured in an accident and has lost memory of several years of his life. After awhile, his doctors suggest that he visit some of the places attached to the missing memories. He knows that he worked at our company, but has no memory of those years, so he comes to visit us. Our managers arrange for lunch to be brought in so that everyone who knew him can meet up and see if they can jog some memories. We have one older employee who is sort of a sour person.)
Employee #1: *starting off* “Do you remember any of us, or our names?”
Old Employee: “Some of you look familiar, but I don’t remember any of you.”
Sour Employee: “How can you not remember me?! I’m the village b****!”
Employee #2: “You couldn’t have given yourself a whole new identity! Don’t tell him that!”
(I’m having really bad back pain so I ask my Mum to drop a hot water bottle to work for me in the hope that it will help. I go down to the canteen there to fill it up and grab some chocolate while I’m there. Another woman is making tea at the same time and she sees my hot water bottle and chocolate.)
Worker: *sympathetically* “That time of the month, huh?”
(I laugh and gesture to my stomach.)
Worker: “Wow! You get really bloated on your period. Does that not hurt?!”
Me: “Uh… I’m seven months pregnant!”
Worker: “I know they say you shouldn’t ask a woman if she’s pregnant, but I really should have copped that one, shouldn’t I? I’m so embarrassed!”
(For the next couple of weeks I seemed to pass the same woman a lot and she always jokingly pretended she didn’t notice I was pregnant. It really amused me.)
