(A friend of mine is doing her state exam at the end of her teacher training. The grade determines if you are offered a job afterwards.)

Examiner #1: “Your performance was very good.”

Examiner #2: “Yes, I agree. Your grade is [well below average].”

Friend: *quite shocked* “Could you tell me why you are giving me such a bad grade if my performance was very good?”

Examiner #1: “Well, we can see from your file that you are married, so you don’t really need to work. We reserve the good grades for single women who need a job more than you do.”

(At some point it was decided that our tech support department should also always try to upsell. It is tempting; the usual pay is horrible and a bonus is offered, but it never sat right with me. I get a call from an elderly lady. She is lovely, living alone, and obviously not at all tech-savvy, and she has a simple enquiry: A friend told her that she was supposed to have hundreds of TV channels, but she only has about 30 — the very basic channels that, in Germany, are free to watch. After only a few questions from my side the issue becomes clear; someone sold her the most expensive cable bundle in connection with a set-top box that should be connected to her TV, only she has never, ever used it. She’s just been using her TV, hooked up to digital cable, and watched the free channels. All our calls are recorded, but this lady is awesome, and I’ve had about enough, so…)

Me: “Ma’am, before we continue, let me ask you one question: Are you happy with the service as it has been so far? Would you like to watch more channels?”

Caller: “Oh, I only ever watch the news for a bit in the evening. I don’t need anything else. I was just wondering about what my friend said.”

Me: “All right. You see, in order to get more channels, you would have to use the black box, and the remote that came with it. That’s one option. The other option is that I cancel your subscription for all but the basic functions.”

Caller: “I don’t want to deal with that box. It’s useless. But I want to keep the channels I used.”

Me: “Thank you, ma’am. Here is what we’ll do: Everything on your end stays the same, but instead of your monthly fee of [about 60] Euros, we’ll lower it to [about 20] Euros.”

Caller: “You can really do that?”

Me: “In this case, yes. Also, as I’m looking at your account right now, may I ask if you have a computer or use the Internet at all?”

Caller: “No, no. I can’t be bothered with that.”

Me: “And you’re not planning on buying a computer, either, I take it.”

Caller: “No, I can’t make sense of all that stuff.”

Me: “That’s fine. In that case, I will cancel your Internet subscription as well. That brings your new monthly total down to [less than 10] Euros.”

(The call took over 20 minutes as I walked her through the cancellation process and had her write down everything we’d discussed, since she wanted her son to check her contract, and I wanted them to be able to make an informed decision. I got written up for it, but I didn’t mind. You just don’t take advantage of lovely old ladies for a measly bonus. I just wish I had found out which colleague had sold an Internet contract to someone who didn’t own a PC, laptop, or smartphone, etc.)

(About twenty years ago when I was living in the UK I saw a movie that I really liked. Back home on holiday, they show the movie at our local cinema, but only for a week. I persuade all my friends to watch it with me. The only time we can manage is the last day it is on. This is a movie none of them have heard of, and they go only based on my recommendation. After about one third of the movie, I realize they have skipped the middle and gone right to the last third.)

Me: “Guys, they just skipped a third of the movie. I’ll go and see what happened.”

(I leave to find an employee.)

Me: “Excuse me. I’ve been watching [Movie], and there are about 30 minutes missing in the middle.”

Employee: “That’s impossible.”

Me: “I’ve seen the movie twice before, and I know that the middle third is missing.”

Employee: “I don’t see how that is possible, but I’ll try to find out. Come back after the movie is over.”

Me: “Since this is the last time you are showing that movie, I don’t see how this will help, but okay.”

(I went back and hoped that we could at least get a refund. About five minutes before the end credits, the fire alarm went off and our screen was evacuated. Not the whole cinema, but only our screen. I tried to find the person I had spoken to before, but couldn’t, so I tried to explain the situation to the person who seemed to be in charge. Long story short, they didn’t believe me, either. They also said that since the fire alarm wasn’t their fault we wouldn’t get any refunds. At least my friends took my word for it that the movie would have been great and weren’t too angry about the money they had spent.)

(While my best friend in this class is a year younger than all of us because she skipped a grade, I am a little older, because my birthday is exactly one day after the date that determines if children allowed to start school. My best friend is one of the teacher’s favourites and a really good student, but, like me, somewhat of a s***head sometimes. I’m behaving myself and taking notes while my friend is next to me drawing incredibly intricate stars with faces. However, my ink runs out, and I change the cartridge and make a few scribbles on a scrap piece of paper to get it running again.)

Teacher: “[MY NAME]! STOP DRAWING AND PAY ATTENTION RIGHT NOW!”

Me: “But I’m not drawing; my ink just ran out and I—”

Teacher: “YOU NEVER PAY ATTENTION! LET ME SEE YOUR BINDER!”

(He stomps over to the desk my friend and I share and grabs my binder. Since I did take notes, he instead berates me for my handwriting and “doodling” — the scribbles and half-visible words I wrote after changing my ink cartridge. All the time, my friend calmly continues to draw her smiling stars, in plain sight, and really obviously spreads out the coloured markers she’s using. Her whole binder is covered in smiling rainbow stars.)

Teacher: *finishing his rant* “…and I really wish you would take [Friend] as an example; her work is always beautifully done! Look at her writing!”

(We look at the multitude of stars.)

Teacher: “And from now on, PAY ATTENTION!”

(Needless to say, I didn’t give a single flying coitus about his opinion after that, anymore. My friend drew stars for the rest of the lesson.)

(After going through a very rough time, I feel like treating myself, so I book a holiday apartment in a small town. There’s a well-known history museum in this town that I’ve been planning to visit for a while, so I check their website thoroughly to make sure it will be open. I also specifically book a place that offers Wi-Fi so I can distract myself on rainy days. It’s worth noting that I have a “water allergy”: aquagenic urticaria. It’s extremely annoying; trust me… Sadly, things don’t go as planned. After one night, the Wi-Fi cuts off and can’t be restored. I can’t even use my phone as a hotspot, since I don’t get a signal inside the house. The weather turns really bad for early summer, with mostly heavy rain and even some hail. Due to my water allergy [umbrellas don’t protect against rain coming from the side], I’m mostly stuck in the apartment, since the next bus stop is also quite far away, and I quickly run out of books. As the sun comes out again, I immediately decide to visit the museum I came here for. It’s half an hour’s walk; I could take a bus for part of the way, but I decide against it, happy to just be outside. When I arrive at the museum, I see some construction going on at the entrance. Moving closer, I notice a sign stating that the whole place is currently closed due to renovations. Frustrated, I trudge back to the city centre and get a flyer from the local information. Among some places that I can’t easily reach without a car, there’s something about an exhibition on the history of book printing in the local library. Awesome! I look up the library on the map and walk over. It’s still 15 minutes until it opens for the afternoon, but I wait patiently. When the doors open, I walk up to the librarian.)

Me: “Good afternoon. I heard that there’s an exhibition on book printing in the library, and I’d love to see it!”

Librarian: “Oh, I’m sorry… The exhibition is currently closed. We recently got a new manager, and she hasn’t decided on whether she wants to keep the exhibits at all.”

Me: *dejected* “Oh… okay…”

Librarian: *apparently noticing my mood* “Are you a tourist?”

Me: “Yes, I’m from [City]. I mostly came here to see the history museum, but I just walked there and it’s closed. Then I heard about your place and came here, but I guess it’s not my lucky day.” *I smile, trying to sound light-hearted.*

Librarian: “You know what? The exhibition might be closed, but it’s all still there in the cellar. I can ask my colleague if she’d like to accompany you there.”

Me: “Oh, you don’t have to do that! I really don’t want to be a bother.”

Librarian: “Don’t worry! Wait here; I’ll be back soon.”

(She walks away and soon returns with another woman.)

Librarian: “That’s my colleague, Miss [Name]. She can show you around.”

Me: *beaming* “Thank you so much, that’s incredibly nice!”

Other Librarian: “Oh, I don’t mind! I actually just started working here a few weeks ago, and haven’t had time for more than a casual glance at the exhibits.”

(She walked me to the stairs, lifting some security rope so I could pass through. We walked through an empty room and reached another one filled with printing presses, showcases with old books, and examples of prints and handwritten texts in several writing systems, from Hebrew to Hindi. As a language geek, I was ecstatic. The librarian and I started talking about the exhibition, quickly drifting off to related topics – such as the foreign languages her daughter was learning, volunteering as a language teacher for refugees (which I do), and my plans to study linguistics. After spending at least half an hour looking around and chatting, she found some bookmarks, from an earlier event, which showed examples of old German handwriting, and gave one to me. I still think fondly of my visit there. Huge thanks to the two friendly librarians who took pity on a sad tourist. I still own that bookmark, and looking at it brings a smile to my face every time!)