My mom and I plan to take our new puppy to the pet store for the first time to grab some supplies. However, on the way over, the dog vomits, so we turn around and go back home to clean out the car and to leave the dog at the house.

I go inside with the dog, and while I’m inside, my mom leaves me to go to the pet store. I think that she purposefully left without me and I shrug it off. Later on, when she returns home, she hits me with this.

Mom: “You a**hole. I got in the car and thought you were in there and left to go to the store. I was talking to you the whole way only to turn and see you weren’t there. I felt like a crazy person!”

Me: “You didn’t notice that it was an entirely one-sided conversation?”

Mom: “I thought you were just being quiet and letting me rant!”

This story is part of our Best Of December 2020 roundup!

Read the next Best Of December 2020 roundup story!

Read the Best Of December 2020 roundup!

My family has always been big dirt track racing fans, and we go to the races almost every weekend all summer long. My grandpa gets tired of dealing with the bright sun shining into our eyes when we’re sitting in the grandstand, so one day on our way to the races, he stops at a thrift store and picks up a small rain umbrella to block the sunlight.

The umbrella costs him about eighty cents, but he’s like a kid in a candy store bragging.

Grandpa: “I’ll be able to see and you won’t because of my shiny new umbrella!”

We get to the races and find seats toward the top of the grandstand. Everyone starts joking about how long my grandpa is going to wait before pulling out his umbrella, but he decides to wait until the first heat race starts.

After the practice lap sessions, the first race takes to the track in preparation for the green flag. With a flourish worthy of a Las Vegas magician, my grandpa pulls out his umbrella, unwraps the strap holding the canopy closed, raises the umbrella over his head, presses the button to open the canopy, and POP!

The entire canopy flies off the shaft. My grandpa is left holding the handle and the shaft as the canopy falls onto a group of guys about halfway down the grandstand.

My grandpa freezes as the other fans turn around to find out who threw an umbrella onto their heads. As the guys see my grandpa still holding the shaft over his head, they start to scream up the grandstand. The screaming attracts a lot of attention from other fans, and soon everybody is staring up at my grandpa.

In response, my grandpa slowly lowers the umbrella shaft in front of his face and pretends to hide behind it like a little kid hiding behind a tree.

The scene is so comical that everybody in the grandstand starts laughing, including the guys who were hit by grandpa’s rogue umbrella. Grandpa quickly offers to buy a round of beers for the guys, and the rest of the night is as enjoyable as ever.

Before the next race night, my grandpa invests in a pair of sunglasses and insists on getting a wraparound cord.

Grandpa: “…so the d*** things don’t fly off my face like that cheap umbrella!”

Early in my [Store] days, I have a customer with one of those annoying kids’ toys. We have a nice conversation about how annoying it is and how she is giving it to her niece to annoy her sister. I get to the end of the order and start to say, “Would you like to apply for a [Store] card?” but instead the toy goes off again.

Me: “Would you like to shut up now?”

I immediately realized what I said, covered my face, and started shrinking behind my register until I could no longer be seen. Luckily, after explaining my brain fart, the customer found it hilarious.

I am at a big box store one day shopping. I notice an employee on a ladder trying to change a price sign sitting on top of a cooler, and it’s clearly not working well for her. Every time she tries to make it stand upright, it topples over and nearly to the floor. She’s getting flustered at it and ends up calling for a replacement sign.

Me: “Are you okay up there, miss?”

Employee: “Yeah, just great, thank you.”

Me: “Is it not wanting to stay in place?”

Employee: “No! Our prices are so low that I can’t get it to stay up here!”

My sister, older by four years, has always looked younger than her age, and I have always looked older, with the result that most people think I am older than she is by a couple of years. This time takes the cake.

We are shopping at a small craft store.

Sister: “Can you tell me where cross stitch patterns are?”

Clerk: “They are over there by where your mom is standing.”

Sister: *Pause* “That’s my baby sister.”

Clerk: “Oh, no! Please don’t tell her!”

Me: “I heard you!”