Coworker: *Out of nowhere, to the entire office, but directly at no one.* “Do you think cats think in meows?”

Manager: “They’re called shower thoughts for a reason, Brian…”

Our neighbor is in our driveway one Sunday afternoon. This is a guy who never really has anything to do with anyone around the neighborhood. 

Me: “What’s up?”

Neighbor: “I’m looking for my cat. He’s really old and both blind and deaf. Somehow, he got out.”

Me: “What’s the cat’s name? I can help look and call for him.”

He looks at me with a completely blank stare for a good ten seconds.

Me: *Going red.* “Oh… right.”

Neighbor: “Look, your heart is in the right place. This is a picture of him. If you see him, approach with cheese. He’s lost two of the senses, but he’s got a nose for trouble.”

We find the cat within half an hour. He has somehow made his way into another neighbor’s yard. Why? They are having a BBQ, and it smells delicious.

I’m with my friend in a fancy department store. She’s saved up all year to get an expensive designer bag she’s always wanted. We’ve been talking about how impressive it is that she can save her money so well.

She’s about to say: “I’m a strong, independent black woman, who don’t need no man!”

However, brain farts ensue, and she ends up saying, loudly, to me and the cashier who is currently wrapping up her purchase:

Friend: “I’m a big black lady with no man!”

All three of us pause to process this sudden, seemingly random outburst before I break down in laughter, and my friend suddenly needs to be somewhere else very quickly.

I was in a meeting where a new database was being discussed. We were talking about entering customers’ details into this database, and there was a bit of to and fro about how we’d get their permission to enter their details.

Coworker: “We wouldn’t necessarily need their permission.”

Manager: “Really? So… say you’re a customer. Could I enter you without permission?”

Coworker: “Uh…”

Driving my bus early one morning, I get a notification from our control centre that a downtown fire on (literally) Main Street was making a detour necessary. I announce the detour to my passengers and make my way down the alternate route.

As passengers are getting off the bus, one (wearing headphones) turns to me and asks:

Passenger: “Why did we turn off the regular route? Is this a permanent change, or just temporary?”

Me: “Well, like I just announced a minute ago, there was a fire on Main Street, and we had to detour past the closed section of the street.”

Passenger: “Oh.” *Pause.* “So, is this going to be a permanent change or not?”

Me: “No, I’m pretty sure the City isn’t going to keep the fire burning permanently, sir.”