Death By Chocolate

, , , , | Friendly | September 11, 2017

(An elderly man from my church has recently passed away. The day after the funeral, a group of us meet at a friend’s house for dinner. We’re playing some board games when some little cakes get brought out for dessert.)

Friend #1: “These are leftovers from [Recently Deceased Man’s] funeral.”

Friend #2: “As long as they’re not leftovers of [Recently Deceased Man].”

Me: “He always was a sweet guy.”

(Everyone laughs.)

Friend #3: *trying to recover from laughing* “That’s awful!”

Me: “Hey, he got his just desserts.”

(When it comes to jokes, dark humour is a piece of cake.)

Dumping Everything On You At The Funeral

, , , | Friendly | September 6, 2017

Friend: “I’ve got something really important to tell you.”

Me: “Oh, okay.”

Friend: *deep breath* “All that chocolate you gave me…”

Me: “From last year?”

Friend: “I ate it all before coming over. And it feels like it’s pulling on my intestines.”

Me: “…”

Friend: “I think I need the toilet, REALLY BAD.”

Me: “Well, go?”

(He told me this, at full volume, at my brother’s funeral. Everyone heard. He was in the toilet so long, we were billed for extending the service.)

Trying To Explain The Junior In Your Belly

| Ireland | Friendly | May 12, 2017

(My friend’s father has just died. Both my friend and the father had the same name — let’s say, John. I go to the funeral. At the end I queue up to shake the family’s hands as is traditional. My friend’s mother, the wife of the deceased, is first in line. I’ve never met her before.)

Me: “Sorry for your loss.”

Mother: “Thank you.” *looks confused about who I am*

Me: “I’m a friend of John’s.”

Mother: *looks even more confused and glances at my eight-month pregnancy bump*

Me: “John Junior! A friend of John Junior!”

Ah, You’ve Met The Family Interrogator

| England, UK | Friendly | March 22, 2017

(My grandma has recently passed away and family and friends have gathered for her funeral. I help carry my grandma’s coffin into the service along with my brother and two other cousins. Although it is a sad day, the service is wonderful and we go away feeling as if she would have approved. During the service I see a middle aged woman helping with the Eucharist part. During the wake I see her shooting me several funny looks. Just when I am walking over to talk to one of my cousins she suddenly stands in my way.)

Woman: *rudely* “Who are you?”

Me: “Err… excuse me?”

Woman: “You were carrying the coffin; who on earth are you?”

Me: “[My Name], I’m her grandson.”

Woman: “Which daughter is your mother?”

(She has a very cross look on her face as if I have done something terribly wrong.)

Me: “[Mum]. I’m her youngest son. Now, do you mind?”

(Quickly I dodged past her and proceeded to ignore her the rest of the wake. Later on, I asked my aunt who she was. She laughed and replied “She’s a weird woman, that one!” and proceeded to inform me she wasn’t well liked by the other church members due to her bizarre and rude behaviour. Thankfully this was a minor problem on an otherwise good day. Wish I could have heard what my grandma thought of her, though!)

A Thorny Issue Of The Dead

| Salt Lake, UT, USA | Romantic | March 14, 2017

(A man that a coworker and I know passes away unexpectedly. My coworker and I decide we’ll drive to the funeral, a couple of states away, to pay our respects, and then go to the office our company has in that state. We both want to see ‘Ms. B,’ a wonderful coworker who used to have a serious thing for my coworker.)

Me: “Okay, before we go see [Ms. B], we need to stop and get roses.”

Coworker: “We do?”

Me: “We do. [Ms. B] loves roses.”

Coworker: “I know.”

Me: “[Coworker], this is why you’re a bachelor.”

Coworker: “This is one of the many reasons I’m bachelor.”

(Upon presenting the roses to Ms. B, my coworker decided to joke and say he’d taken them from the funeral. Ms. B hit him before I could.)

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