You Know What They Say About Birds Of A Feather

, , , , , , | Related | April 22, 2020

My grandmother passed away, we had her funeral, and we went to entomb her with my grandfather. I hate social gatherings in general, so I tend to avoid talking to people unless they’re in my immediate family. However, this one nice elderly lady comes up and talks to me, telling me how much I look like my grandma when she was young. We have a lovely chat and when we leave, my mom says:

Mom: “It was so nice of you to talk to Crazy Aunt [Aunt].”

Me: “Huh? Why is she called that?”

I figured she must have had a wild youth or something.

Mom: “Because she’s crazy. Literally. She lives in an insane asylum and got a day pass for the funeral.”

It just figures that the one person I would get along with is certifiably insane.

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Paying For Real Estate Will Follow Us Into Death

, , , , , , , | Related | November 14, 2019

My grandfather recently passed away. Known for his frugality, he bought his burial plot in the cemetery at his summer home’s church when they were having some sort of sale, and he got a “super deal.” His brother-in-law and sister also bought a plot at the same time, and his brother-in-law passed six years prior to my grandfather’s death. My grandfather was a businessman and dabbled in many trades and industries and owned most of his own businesses. His most prominent one — and the one that lasted the longest and was his passion — was real estate.

We gathered around the gravesite for the burial service. Afterward, we wanted to walk to my great-uncle’s gravesite, which we could make out in the distance, but was still in view of my grandfather’s gravesite. In an effort to lighten the mood, my cousin said the following:

“Corner plot, direct line of sight from Old Uncle Jack, plenty of parking on both sides, beautiful greenery, location at his favorite church on the Cape… He really was a real estate man. Location, location, location!”

We all laughed and appreciated his humor after an emotional and somber week.

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Didn’t See “Pet Semetary”

, , , , , | Right | October 31, 2019

(I get a phone call.)

Me: “[Pet-Themed Company Name], this is [My Name].”

Customer: “Hi there. How much would it be to board two dogs?”

Me: “Sorry, what?”

Customer: “I’m going on vacation and I need to board my two dogs while I’m gone.”

Me: “Sir, this is a pet crematorium.”

Customer: “Oh, dear God.”

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The Pink Death

, , , | Friendly | May 11, 2018

(It’s Mother’s day and I am visiting my grandmother’s grave. She died several years ago after a difficult battle with Alzheimer’s. I have placed a pink bouquet against her gravestone with a short message. I am also tidying up around the grave because the cemetery has an issue with people littering. I notice a woman walking by me and think nothing of it until she walks up to my grandmother’s grave.)

Me: “Did you know her?”

Woman: “No. Did you?”

Me: “Yes, she’s my grandmother. I gave her the flowers.”

Woman: “Then you should be ashamed!”

(She kicks the bouquet and starts walking away.)

Me: “What the hell was that for?”

Woman: “PINK? IN A GRAVEYARD! Are you f****** insane?!”

Me: “That’s hardly a reason to kick someone’s flowers off their grave. If you didn’t like them, you could’ve just told me, or better yet, ignored them.”

Woman: “It’s disrespectful to people who are still grieving! Nothing should be happy here. NOTHING!”

Me: “Well, I like to remember the happy times I had with her. Even when she couldn’t remember anything anymore, she still smiled whenever someone brought her something pink, and I like to think she still likes it.”

(The woman huffs and storms off, walking over several graves. I put the bouquet back and decide to warn one of the groundskeepers about her.)

Groundskeeper: “Don’t worry. We try to keep an eye out for her. She comes by every other month to bother the visitors. We’ve tried to get her banned, but her husband is buried here, and it’s hard to keep track of her with how sporadic her visits are.”

(When I visited my mum later, she told me she had also encountered the woman, and now whenever she visits, she takes a large assortment of colourful balloons, just in case the woman happens to be there, and offers her one.)

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Made A Grave Mistake

, , , , | Right | December 1, 2017

(This exchange takes place during my first year managing a particular cemetery. We have a policy, posted on the gate to the cemetery and printed on the back of cemetery maps, that people may decorate graves for holidays/special occasions, but that decorations will be removed a week after the holiday and disposed of. Although it isn’t posted policy, we also store the removed items outside the workshop for about a week before throwing them out. People who have been visiting the cemetery a long time know about the unofficial policy, so they’re not always quick to get decorations they want to keep off the graves, and may drop by to root around in the “decorations heap” to retrieve their items. We never guarantee their things will be there.)

Customer: “What happened to the Christmas decorations on my husband’s grave?”

Me: “We remove holiday decorations a week after the holiday, ma’am.”

Customer: “How is anyone supposed to know that?”

Me: “It is posted policy, ma’am. The sign at the entrance to the cemetery explains it, and we do recommend not placing items you want to keep in the cemetery.”

Customer: “I spent a lot of money on those decorations! I spent a lot of money and time, and you’re going to reimburse me for them!”

Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry you’re upset, but it is cemetery policy to remove the holiday decorations a week after the holiday. We’re not going to reimburse you.”

Customer: “Oh, yes you are! I spent over $200 on my decorations, and they were removed, and I want them back! Where are they?”

Me: “Items left in the cemetery are disposed of, ma’am.”

Customer: “You threw them AWAY?! Where are they? You used to put decorations somewhere out back so people could get them!”

(As that was never posted policy, she wouldn’t know about it unless she’d been decorating the grave, and having her items removed, for years, so our “items are disposed of” policy could not have been a surprise to her.)

Me: “We did store them, ma’am. We kept all removed decorations out back for two weeks before disposing of them. We also didn’t take the decorations down for two weeks this year, instead of the single week that is our posted policy, so there were actually four full weeks you could have come retrieved your items before they were thrown away.”

Customer: “But it’s still the holidays! Other people still have holiday decorations up!”

Me: “We don’t prevent people from redecorating graves, ma’am, but those decorations will also be removed. And as our posted policy says, we remove holiday decorations a week after the holiday.”

Customer: “Just where is this policy posted?”

Me: *getting very tired of repeating myself* “At the gate to the cemetery, ma’am.”

Customer: “Well, I celebrate the holidays through the end of January, so it is still the holidays, and you took my things down, and you will reimburse me!”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear that, ma’am, but it’s several weeks past Christmas and we will not be reimbursing you.”

Customer: “Well, you’re going to be sorry! I’m going to write a letter of complaint! You have serious problems here. I’ve had things removed, and things have been stolen before, and you have no security here—”

Me: *fed up* “Yes, ma’am, because this is a cemetery, not a bank.”

(Naturally, the customer was furious with me and stormed out. I mentioned the exchange to one of the cemetery owners, who was my boss, just in case the customer called or wrote the owners to complain about me. The owner just rolled her eyes and said she knew exactly who I was talking about, and that she complains like that every year!)

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