I work in a Japanese restaurant in Manila, Philippines. I’m serving a table of American tourists.

Customer: “I want the California rolls, but without the crab.”

Me: “So, did you want the veggie rolls?”

Customer: “No, I want the California rolls, but without the crab.”

Me: “Ma’am, California rolls without the crab are just our veggie rolls, which are 150 pesos cheaper.”

Customer: “I’m from California, so I want California quality! California rolls, but without the crab. Where I’m from the customer is always right!”

Me: “Certainly, ma’am!”

She paid extra while the chef just laughed and shook his head. We discussed her among ourselves after she left and surmised that she just thought the California rolls came from California.

We’re on a scuba diving tour/school in the Philippines. Our guides’ differing levels of English vary from good to excellent. One of them asks:

Guide: “Any last questions before we start your first open water dive?”

Tourist: *Raises hand.* “Yeah, why do we always go backwards out of the boat?”

Guide: “Well, that is because if you went forward, you’d still be in the boat.”

Always love a technically correct answer!

Me: “Good morning, thank you for calling [Company], how can I help you?”

Caller: “Why do you sound so d*** chipper! It’s too early in the morning!”

Me: “I’ll do my best to curb my enthusiasm, sir. How can I help you this morning?”

Caller: “Seriously, it’s 7 AM! Why do you sound so awake?”

Me: “It’s not 7 AM where I am right now, sir.”

Caller: “Really? What time is it there?”

Me: “10 PM, sir.”

Caller: “That’s even worse! If I had to talk to a human at 10 PM, I’d be miserable! I hate people!”

Me: “Sir, what was the reason for your call?”

Caller: “I noticed on my bill that my package comes with a friends and family plan. Is that built in, or can I take it off and save money? I don’t have the former, and I hate the latter.”

Hmm, I wonder why?

I’m working in a call center in the Philippines. Our nation commonly gets earthquakes, and we’ve learned to barely acknowledge the little ones. This evening, we experience a bigger one, and it’s enough to announce an evacuation of the whole building. I inform my current caller:

Me: “Sorry, sir, there’s an earthquake.”

Caller: “Really? I don’t feel anything.”

Me: “I’m in the Philippines, sir. I doubt you’d feel it in the USA. I will need to evacuate now, but I will call you back when normal service is restored.”

Caller: “So, if you don’t call me back, I’ll assume you died in the quake.”

I do not know what to say to that, so I just hang up and rush out along with everyone else.

About half an hour later, we’re given the all clear and we go back to our desks. The first thing I do is call the customer back. The first thing he says:

Caller: “Oh… you’re alive.”

He almost sounded disappointed.

I’m teaching diving class to some tourists at a tropical resort. It’s the first lesson, so we’re going over the basics in the pool.

Tourist: “It’s a shame we can’t get our gills back and not have to deal with all this equipment!”

Me: “Gills back? Like… in evolution?”

Tourist: “No! From the womb! When the baby is breathing inside the mom.”

Me: “I… uh… isn’t that via the umbilical cord?”

Tourist: “That’s how they eat, not how they breathe. We all have gills as babies, and then they seal up as we get older. That’s why some babies can still breathe underwater for a little while after birth.”

I look around and see that everyone in the group has stopped their breathing exercises and is just staring at this man.

Me: *Loudly, trying to get the class back on track.* “Anyway, since none of us have gills, let’s get back to learning about these regulators, shall we?”

The scary thing is that the guy is a doctor.