(My brother-in-law and I have an odd dynamic. It’s all in good fun, but we fight more with each other than we do with our real siblings. Everyone is in town for my grandpa’s funeral. The night before, my brother-in-law is teasing my mom about her age, as she is turning 50 in a week. When she goes to playfully swat him, he runs around the table to hide. I grab his sleeve to keep him from escaping. He manages to accidentally pull me over backwards, chair and all. I receive some minor injuries, the most impressive of which was a palm-sized bruise fairly high up on my inner thigh. This conversation is repeated with a few people the next day.)

Relative: “So how is everyone?”

Me: *rolls eyes exaggeratedly and points thumb at [Brother-In-Law]* “This bruiser shows up and not ten minutes later he’s wrecking the joint and beating people up.”

Brother-In-Law: *turns nose up* “I did nothing! You fell off a chair!”

Relative: “…What?”

Me: “Oooh, let me show you my bruise!” *hikes skirt up high enough to show it off*

Mom: *to other relatives after watching this exchange a couple of times* “This is why we don’t usually let them out in public.”

(I am a natural redhead. I am at my great-uncle’s funeral. An elderly relative who I don’t really know approaches me.)

Relative: “You should be ashamed of yourself! Do you really think that hair is appropriate for a funeral?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Relative: “Young people today and their fashions. They won’t even show respect for the deceased!”

(She then went away to another relative and started telling them of my disrespect. I guess she’d never seen a redhead before.)

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(I’m the black sheep of the family, as I identify myself as agnostic, while the rest of my family is deeply religious. We’ve all gathered together for my grandfather’s funeral. A bit of a crisis has erupted: we’re having trouble finding a pastor to speak at the funeral.)

Brother: “See? This is why you need to go to church, if for no other reason than we don’t run into this problem when your time comes.”

Me: “When my time comes, you can seek out a former coworker of mine named [Name]. He left the radio station to join the priesthood, and we’re still good friends. He’s rather progressive, too, so I hope you don’t mind that he quotes Star Wars in his sermons. If you can’t find him, just get in touch with either the Mormon church, the Lutheran church, the United Church, or the Anglican church in my hometown. I’ve done so much charity work for them though my job at the radio station, that they’ve all welcomed me into their flocks. And, if all of those churches say no, don’t forget that I went to [well-known religious college]. Get in touch with their ministerial department, and I’m sure they’ll be able to spare someone for an alumni like myself.”

Brother: “Oh. I didn’t know you did so much work with the church.”

Me: “And, if all those options fail…” *looking my brother in the eye* “I’m certain my brother, who does go to church every Sunday, will be able to say a few words.”

(My brother turns beet red, and changes the subject.)

(My friend’s grandmother has died, and she is taking her pre-schooler with her to the funeral home for the viewing. They are walking up the steps.)

Friend’s Child: “Where are we going, Mommy?”

Friend: “To see Great-Grandma.”

Friend’s Child: *stopping in his tracks* “WOW! You mean… this is HEAVEN?!”

(My aunt has just died. My uncle is a high level state trooper. There are a few state troopers, in uniform, at the funeral to pay their respect. A woman comes up to my uncle, not knowing what he does for a living.)

Woman: “What are all these policemen doing here?”

Uncle: “You haven’t heard?”

(The woman shakes her head.)

Uncle: “You see that woman over there?”

(He points to a woman he doesn’t know.)

Uncle: “Well, she’s in jail for killing a man. But she really wanted to come to this funeral. The police agreed, but they are standing watch.” *walks away, leaving the woman standing there, shocked*