A Thorny Issue Of The Dead

| Romantic | March 14, 2017

(A man that a coworker and I know passes away unexpectedly. My coworker and I decide we’ll drive to the funeral, a couple of states away, to pay our respects, and then go to the office our company has in that state. We both want to see ‘Ms. B,’ a wonderful coworker who used to have a serious thing for my coworker.)

Me: “Okay, before we go see [Ms. B], we need to stop and get roses.”

Coworker: “We do?”

Me: “We do. [Ms. B] loves roses.”

Coworker: “I know.”

Me: “[Coworker], this is why you’re a bachelor.”

Coworker: “This is one of the many reasons I’m bachelor.”

(Upon presenting the roses to Ms. B, my coworker decided to joke and say he’d taken them from the funeral. Ms. B hit him before I could.)

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It’s A (Next) Generational Thing

| Related | November 3, 2015

(In my family it’s tradition that after a funeral, the inner circle of the family goes to a restaurant to hold a small wake. I haven’t been to many so I’m not sure if it’s a common thing or not. My great-aunt had passed away and after the funeral, my sister (who has just gotten engaged) and I are walking with our grandfather, chit chatting about all the wonderful memories we have of our great-aunt. Our great-aunt’s daughter walks by with her child, who is about three months at the time, when my grandfather drops this one us:)

Grandfather: “Look! Look at that!”

Sister: “What? What it is?”

Grandfather: “That’s what a great-grandchild looks like.”

Me: *points at my sister* “Don’t look at me. You want great-grandbabies, you need to pick the pony with the stallion.”

Sister: “Really, Grandpa? We were just at a funeral.”

Grandfather: “And now we’re done, so babies!”

(I guess he really is a strong believe in life goes on!)

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Laughing In The Face Of Everything

| Romantic | March 23, 2015

(I meet a girl through a friend, and said girl is putting up a serious fight with cancer that has invaded her spine and kidneys. Despite this horrific illness, she has a spectacular sense of humor, as well as a seemingly unbeatable spirit. One day, I go to go see the girl all by my lonesome while she is still in the hospital. We have an awesome two-hour conversation.)

Me: “So, umm… I was, umm… well, I was wondering if, when you finally get out of here, if you’d want to… y’know… go on a date or something.”

Girl: “Sure.”

Me: “Really? Are you sure? Because I’ll understand—”

Girl: “Shut up and give me your phone number.”

(We exchange phone numbers, and then I await the news that she’s been set free from the hospital so we could go on our date. Unfortunately, three days after I visit her, the cancer kills her. I go to the funeral with my friend, and started talking to one of the girl’s close friends. I tell her all about my visit, how the girl and I had hit it off, how we’d exchanged numbers, and so on.)

Me: “Her death… it was so unexpected. For the few times I’d talked to her, she always seemed like she was going to fight it and beat it, and she seemed fine three days ago.”

Girl’s Friend: “Yeah. She was like that. And it just sucks that you guys couldn’t even go out on one date.”

(We pause just long enough for my mouth/brain filter to shut off.)

Me: “Y’know, she didn’t have to do all this. She could’ve just said no.”

Girl’s Friend: *stares at me in astonishment for a moment, and then bursts out laughing* “She would have loved that!”

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Putting The Fun Into Funeral, Part 3

| Related | February 26, 2015

(My brother-in-law and I have an odd dynamic. It’s all in good fun, but we fight more with each other than we do with our real siblings. Everyone is in town for my grandpa’s funeral. The night before, my brother-in-law is teasing my mom about her age, as she is turning 50 in a week. When she goes to playfully swat him, he runs around the table to hide. I grab his sleeve to keep him from escaping. He manages to accidentally pull me over backwards, chair and all. I receive some minor injuries, the most impressive of which was a palm-sized bruise fairly high up on my inner thigh. This conversation is repeated with a few people the next day.)

Relative: “So how is everyone?”

Me: *rolls eyes exaggeratedly and points thumb at [Brother-In-Law]* “This bruiser shows up and not ten minutes later he’s wrecking the joint and beating people up.”

Brother-In-Law: *turns nose up* “I did nothing! You fell off a chair!”

Relative: “…What?”

Me: “Oooh, let me show you my bruise!” *hikes skirt up high enough to show it off*

Mom: *to other relatives after watching this exchange a couple of times* “This is why we don’t usually let them out in public.”


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Seeing (Natural) Red

| Related | August 12, 2014

(I am a natural redhead. I am at my great-uncle’s funeral. An elderly relative who I don’t really know approaches me.)

Relative: “You should be ashamed of yourself! Do you really think that hair is appropriate for a funeral?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Relative: “Young people today and their fashions. They won’t even show respect for the deceased!”

(She then went away to another relative and started telling them of my disrespect. I guess she’d never seen a redhead before.)

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