My manager takes a call on the customer line.

Manager: “This is [Manager] at [Electronics Store]. How can I help you?”

Pause.

Manager: “European voltage is 220, so you would need an adapter.”

Pause.

Manager: “No, I am not trying to sell you something you don’t need.”

Pause.

Manager: “Absolutely not. If you tried that, you could electrocute yourself.”

Pause.

Manager: “Well, yes, Europe does have universal healthcare, but I don’t think—”

Pause.

Manager: “Well, sir, if you think it’s a less risky move than buying a travel adapter for $9.95, then there’s nothing more I can help you with.”

Pause.

Manager: “There’s no need for such language, sir. You have a nice trip, and I’ll keep an eye out for you on the Darwin awards.”

He hangs up and sees me staring.

Manager: “With any luck, the Earth is soon to be down one more idiot.”

A customer comes in looking at a Nikon DSLR camera.

Me: “Hi! Do you have any questions, sir?”

He asks a couple of generic questions while looking at his iPad.

Customer: “Hmm… On Amazon, I can get an extra lens for $100.”

Manager: “We can match the price for you in-store.”

Customer: “Hmm… I think I would prefer to purchase it from Amazon because it’s free shipping.”

My manager and I look at each other.

Manager: “But… you could get it here. Now. For the same price.”

He gives us a dirty look.

Customer: “I don’t want any more help.”

Manager: “Well then, have a nice day, sir.”

As we walk away my, manager whispers to me:

Manager: “Never doubt the stupidity of the average consumer.”

A customer comes storming in.

Customer: “You ripped me off!”

He slams a microphone box down on the counter.

Customer: “I bought this microphone from you yesterday, but when I tried to use it, it didn’t work, and I got a shock!”

The box is wrapped in multiple layers of duct tape, so I start to look for a blade to cut it open with. As I cut through the layers of tape…

Customer: “It doesn’t even have the right plug on it, so I had to put in my own!”

When I get the box open, I find a microphone with six feet of cable going to a standard 120v wall outlet plug.

Me: “What kind of amplifier did you use?”

Customer: “It doesn’t need an amplifier. I was volunteering at an event in the school gym. I just saw them plug a microphone right into a jack in the wall, so I see no reason why I couldn’t do the same thing.”

Me: “Sir, you’re lucky you only got a shock.”

Years ago, I’m working in the computer department of my store, organizing the modem and router aisle because it’s messy.

A customer walks up to me, wearing a suit. He looks pretty concerned.

Me: “Can I help you, sir?”

Customer: “I just returned my Wi-Fi.”

Me: “Can I see the receipt?”

This is so I can figure out what sort of Wi-Fi he means. It’s a Linksys router.

Me: “I’m sorry that this router didn’t work out for you.”

Customer: *Heaves a great sigh* “Actually, it did work out for me, really well, but my wife is afraid of aliens.”

There is something about that line that intrigues me, so I have to ask him what he means.

Customer: “I bought the Wi-Fi so that I could communicate with extra-terrestrial beings. But my wife was uncomfortable with me talking to them so much, even though she put foil on the walls to keep herself safe from the cancer rays.”

Me: “I… see?”

Customer: “I wanted to talk to you about a device I’ve read about called ethernet. I want to use that to talk to my alien friends. I can do it without giving my wife cancer.”

Me: “I… I would recommend calling [ISP]?”

To this day, I am not sure if he was joking with me or if I was getting terribly trolled, but either way, I’m sorry, [ISP] call center worker who had to speak to him! My crazy quota was filled that day!

Our store gets a call.

Caller: “Hello, sir, this is support services with [Video Game Creator Company].”

Instantly, of course, I know this is a scam. I adore this company and have played so many of their games. I can’t believe my luck! Of all the calls to answer!

Me: “Oh, uh… what can I do for you?”

Caller: “We’ve had reports that game keys shipped to your location may have an error that prevents them from authenticating, specifically the game Counter-Strike. We need to validate your game keys to see if you’re affected.”

Me: *Playing dumb* “Oh, what do I do?”

Caller: “Well, I just need you to open any copies of the game you have and read me the CD key on the instruction manual so I can verify them with our validation software.”

Me: “Sure thing. Can I put you on hold for a minute while I get those?”

Caller: *Obviously happy* “Sure!”

I put the scammer on hold while I call all the other area stores’ electronics departments and warn them about the scammer and confirm that nobody has taken a call like this earlier.

About fifteen minutes later, I get back to the scammer.

Me: “Thanks for holding, but I can’t find any CD keys. I looked all through the books and the packages.”

Caller: *Annoyed* “Well, sir, just open any copy of Counter-Strike and on the—”

Me: “Oh, COUNTER-STRIKE! I thought you said Counting-Strikes, that bowling game. Okay, hold on!”

Everyone in the department is listening, and we all laugh.

Ten minutes later, I’m back on the line.

Me: “Okay, I got what you’re looking for! What do you need?”

I make him walk me through how to open the box, including interrogating him for five minutes about how to do it without breaking the seal, and then pretend I can’t find the book, etc.

Finally, I’m ready to read the code!

First, I read him the UPC. This upsets him. Then, I read him a part number from something. Now, he’s livid. Finally, I ask if he means the code on the book that says, “Game key,” and has groups of four digits with dashes (like he’s said probably fifty times already) and he gets excited again.

Me: “Oh, okay, here’s the game key. F… like ‘Frank’. U… like ‘uncle’. C… like ‘cat’.”

Caller: “Sir, I don’t think that’s right. Normally, a code would—”

Me: “No, it’s F, U, C, and then K like ‘kite’. The next four are Y like ‘yesterday’… O like ‘owl’—”

He swore at me and hung up.

This story is part of our Editors’-Favorite-Stories-Of-2023-(so far!) roundup!

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