(I am working in the toy section of the retail store. I receive a call around 8 pm.)

Me: “Hello, you’re through to [retailer], toys. How can I help you?”

(A quiet little girl, not much older than ten, answers.)

Girl: “Hi, um… can you help me find something for my mommy?”

Me: “Sure, honey. What are you looking for?”

Girl: “Um, I need an exercise thing. It’s like, a bar that you put on the ground and pull on.”

(I’m not sure what she means. I walk over and scan the exercise section really quickly, but see nothing like that.)

Me: “Sorry, honey. We don’t really have anything like that. I can tell you some stores you might find it at.”

Girl: “Okay.”

Me: “If you can put your mom on the phone, I’ll give her the store names.”

Girl: “My mommy’s not home. It’s just me and my little brother. We accidentally broke my mommy’s thing, and we’re trying to find where to get one so she won’t be mad.”

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Customer: “Is the chicken caesar sandwich vegetarian?”

Me: “No, ma’am. It has chicken in it. But we can substitute tofu if you’d like.”

Customer: “I don’t want tofu. Don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Vegetarian means no meat, ma’am. Would you like a non-vegetarian option?”

Customer: “No, I’m a vegetarian. Your menu says you have vegetarian options.”

Me: “We do have vegetarian options. Anything can be made without meat.”

Customer: “Why don’t you have any vegetarian meat?”

Me: “Are you sure you’re a vegetarian, ma’am?”

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Customer: “Can I have cheese on my fries?”

Me: “Would you like American, Cheddar, Swiss, or Pepper Jack?”

Customer: “Cheddar is the one that melts, right?”

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(The store allows you to pay off your store credit card bill at any of their stores. I am in the store paying off the company’s bill at one of the regular checkout stations. I have my five-month-old son with me in his carrier, which I put on the counter while the clerk is scanning the statement stub and the check. Another customer comes up behind us, sees the carrier, but no items, on the counter, and the clerk scanning a check.)

Customer: “Is she buying a baby?”

Clerk: *without missing a beat* “Yep, she got the last one on the shelf.”

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. How may I help you?”

Customer: “My computer monitor is broken.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What are the symptoms? Does it just not turn on?”

Customer: “The text is really hard to read.”

Me: “Just the text?”

Customer: “Yeah, everything else is fine. I think the backlight thing is dying.”

(I remote connect to the user’s machine.)

Me: “Is this what you’re talking about?” *uses the pointer on the screen*

Customer: “Yeah, the text right there in my email. It’s faded out. See that?”

Me: “Sir, your text color is set to grey.”

Customer: “I didn’t know the monitor could do that!”

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