A Debtor Way To Deal With Them

| Dallas, TX, USA | Working | January 23, 2014

(For months I received calls from a bill collector while at work, asking for a man who has never worked at the office. My company filed several complaints with the FCC but the calls still kept coming. I got permission from my boss to mess with the caller the next time they rang in. We had caller ID at the time, so I knew it was the bill collector before picking up the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ‘Glitzy Coffins,’ where we stylize your loved ones straight to the grave.”

Collector: “Um… Is [Name] there?”

Me: “Let me check with the back and see if he has been sent to embalming. One moment, please.”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later, the phone rings again from the same number.)

Me: “Doctor Z’s purification clinic, zapping away herpes since 1992. How can I help you?”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

Collector: “No. I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “I can’t help if you don’t have an appointment. Now what genital disease is causing your trouble? Our physicians are not only qualified, they are ordained by the lord to save your soul from your sinful ways.”

Collector: *hangs up*

(Another 10 minutes later.)

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is he available or not?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Don’t be a b****. Is he there? I must speak with him.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Look! Give me [Name] now or you’ll be in trouble!”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: *throws out a string of profanities for a few minutes, threatening to sue me if I don’t put the man he’s contacting on the phone* “So, what do you have to say?”

Me: “…Quack.”

Collector: *click*

(At this point, I’ve coerced a few coworkers to join in on the fun since the calls were still coming in. Five minutes later…)

Coworker #1: “Dude.” *snickers* “I’m so high right now!”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Me: “D*** it Regina! Get yo a** back on the street. Pimp needs his mother-f****** money!”

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, daddy!”

Me: “D*** right, b****!” *to phone* “Yeah?”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Coworker #2: “Hey. This is Darnell and you’re calling Bros for Hoes. What chocolatey confection can I serve you up with today?”

Collector: “F***!” *slams the phone down*

(They stopped calling after that.)

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Spare No Expense In Getting The Message Across

| Naples, Italy | Working | November 3, 2013

(I’m calling my bank’s call center.)

Me: “Hello, I have a small problem. I’m using your website, and I need to transfer some money to a foreign museum’s account. They have asked me to take care of all the expenses, including those for their bank.”

Bank Representative: “Yes, you can select the option to charge all the expenses on their account.”

Me: “Um, yes, I saw that. But what I need to do is the opposite. I need to pay all the expenses myself, and not make them pay for everything; there doesn’t seem to be an option for this on your website. I was wondering if there was any way to do it, or if you had any suggestions.”

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T do that!”

Me: “Yes, I know there’s no option for that. I’m asking if there’s any way I could make sure they don’t—”

(At this point the representative starts yelling at me.)

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “Yes, as I was saying, I—”

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T do that! You can’t! You CAN’T!”

Me: “I—”

Bank Representative: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “Huh. Alright, thank you very much. Have a nice day…”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 23

, | The Netherlands | Right | September 15, 2013

Customer: “I have a direct debit, but now you’re charging me extra costs. Why? You can just take the money from my account!”

Me: “Well we tried twice, but the bank refused the payment. That’s why we sent you two reminders before adding the costs. Did you receive the letters?”

Customer: “Probably, but I never read your mail because I have a direct debit.”

Me: “But how are we supposed to let you know something is wrong if you don’t open the mail? We’re not sending you spam; we’re sending you a legitimate message.”

Customer: “Yeah, but as I said I don’t read them. So, now I feel I don’t have to pay the costs, because I didn’t know the payment failed.”

Me: “But we told you in the letters that the payment failed. Twice.”

Customer: “I DON’T READ THEM. You should have let me know!”

Me: “We did! How else were you expecting to receive our notices?”

Customer: “I don’t know! I just think the costs shouldn’t be charged.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the costs are correct. You just told me that you received our letters, but you don’t read them. We let you know that the bill wasn’t paid and stated in our letters when the payment was due to prevent the costs. I am fully willing to discuss payment, but you will have to pay the costs.”

Customer: “I am not happy about this. I was expecting more from you.”

Me: “More? What were you expecting besides two letters?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Just… more…”

(The customer did end up paying the costs. I’m still wondering to this day what kind of ‘more’ he expected from us.)

 

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Fraud-ian Slip

, | Phoenix, AZ, USA | Right | September 9, 2013

(I work in a call center as a fraud specialist. It is not uncommon to get calls from people trying to contest escort or porn charges as fraud when they’re really not.)

Caller: “I have a charge on here for over five grand. I didn’t charge that; it’s fraud.”

Me: “I’m sorry to hear it. I can help with that.”

(I pull up the charge, and see another charge for a tow truck and parking ticket in the same state the other charges was made.)

Me: “I see here that the charge is for an escort service. The physical card was present, as well. You have not been traveling, is that correct?”

Caller: “That’s right, and I have my credit card, too.”

Me: “Sir, thank you for the information. Please hold while I get more information on this merchant.”

(While the caller is holding, I call the merchant directly. I already know he’s lying, but I have to prove it without calling him a liar. The merchant was not at all surprised, and was delighted to provide me with a copy of his driver’s license and imprint of the card with signature on the sales draft. Not only that, but they even give me the name and room number of the hotel he stayed in when he used their escort service.)

Me: “Sir, thank you for holding. I found out more about the charge. But I want to go over your last valid charges. Did you recently get a ticket or paid for towing service?”

Caller: “Yeah, that charge is okay.”

Me: “Sir, that charge shows the card was swiped, which means you were in that state, right?”

Caller: “Uh… yeah…”

Me: “And did you stay at [Hotel], room 2058?”

Caller: “Yeah…”

Me: “Sir, I contacted the merchant and they verified all of your information, and even offered to send a copy of your driver’s license and signature. It’s because of that we can’t accept this charge as fraud.”

Caller: “So what am I supposed to do?”

Me: “Don’t worry, sir; you still have options. You may still be able to dispute the charge as a billing dispute in the event that you didn’t receive any products or services, or the services were not as agreed upon, or you can contact the merchant directly. Were you not satisfied with the services you received?”

Caller: *click*

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The Code Has Three ‘X’s In It

, | USA | Right | August 21, 2013

(I’ve been on the phone for a good ten minutes at this point with a woman in her late 80s who has a strong Southern accent. She has been extremely prim and proper for the entire call.)

Me: “And do you have the offer code?”

Caller: “Offer code? What’s that, dear?”

Me: “It should be printed on the order form near where your name is located.”

Caller: “One moment. Oh, I found it!”

Me: *waits*

Caller: *silence*

Me: “Ma’am, may I have the code please?”

Caller: “Oh, of course, sweetie. It’s F as in ‘f***.’ D as in ‘d***.’ A as in ‘a**.'”

(The caller pauses before continuing, suddenly sounding very smug.)

Caller: “All of which I enjoy a great deal when it comes to my men.”

(I still have no idea how I managed to hold in my laughter until after I finished placing her order.)

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