The Worst Kind Of Bubble Butt

| Working | November 3, 2015

(My coworker used to work in the quality office of a factory that makes big brand cleaning/disinfecting wipes. A call came through her phone from a customer.)

Coworker: “Thank you for calling Factory Quality. This is [Coworker].”

Customer: “You sold me faulty wipes! They don’t work and they made my baby’s butt bubble!” *a baby’s shrill screaming can be heard in the background*

Coworker: *alarmed* “I… I’m sorry, ma’am… Your baby’s bottom is bubbling? You should call 911!”

Customer: “NO! This is YOUR fault! What are you gonna do for me?!”

Coworker: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you need to hang up and dial 911! These are NOT baby wipes! It even says it on the back of the can. If you could find our office number, then you also saw the warning label which reads ‘This is NOT for personal use. Keep out of reach of children. Using these wipes in a manner inconsistent with its intended purpose is a federal crime.’ Now please, hang up and dial 911!”

Customer: *garbled choking and screeching* “I’m gonna sue y’all for hurting my baby!” *slams phone down*

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No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 8

| Right | September 23, 2015

Me: “Thank you for calling [Credit Card Services]. I’m [My Name]. How can I help you?”

Customer: “I want to make a payment.”

(I take payment.)

Customer: “Am I late?”

Me: “Unfortunately, yes. The cut off time is midnight Eastern Time. But I can look into the late fee for you.”

Customer: “YOU GUYS ARE ALWAYS MAKING UP RULES TO SCREW THE CUSTOMER!”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m in Texas! It’s not midnight where I am!”

Me: “I understand that, but we go by eastern time—”

Customer: “That’s just a made up rule!”

Me: “Sir, time is not a made up rule…”

Related
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 7
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 6
No Fortitude For Longitude, Part 5

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I Physically Despair

| Right | August 14, 2015

Me: “It appears you’re going to have to get your title notarized at a local bank for us to transfer that title out of your name.”

Customer: “You mean I have to do something physical outside of the house?”

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Not Speaking The Same Language

| Right | August 11, 2015

Caller: “It says select a language. What do I do?”

Me: “Select your language.”

Caller: “So if I go to another country, I can change it to their language?”

Me: “You could but you’re still going to be the one using the phone so you would probably still want to leave it on a language you speak.”

Caller: “Oh, okay.”

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Would Be Quicker If Used Carrier Pigeon

| Working | July 28, 2015

(I have ordered a new phone from this company, but when I receive the phone, it is programmed for the wrong carrier, even though I had specified my carrier when purchasing. So, I call their customer service. I have been on hold for 15 minutes.)

Customer Service: “Hello, how can I assist you today?”

Me: “Hello, I ordered a phone from you for [Carrier] and received a phone for [Other Carrier] instead. I would like to return this phone and have the correct one sent to me.”

Customer Service: “Okay, let me pull up your order.” *clicking* “All right, I see here that you ordered [Phone] on the special $99 offer if you signed a two-year contract, and you need to return it? What is wrong with it?”

Me: “I just need to exchange it; you sent me a phone for [Other Carrier] when I specified that I needed [Carrier].”

Customer Service: “We cannot accept exchanges unless the phone is damaged and you have a care plan for it. How is the phone damaged?”

Me: “It’s not damaged; you sent me the wrong product, and I would like the phone that is programmed for [Carrier].”

Customer Service: “Oh, okay, well there is a way to connect your phone to [Carrier]. Let me walk you through it.”

(Proceeds to have me try to reprogram the phone myself; this takes about 45 minutes.)

Me: “It’s telling me that I can only connect to [Other Carrier] network and not the one I need. Can you please just send me another phone and I can return this one?”

Customer Service: “Let me talk to my supervisor.”

(I am on hold for 30 minutes, and then the supervisor gets on.)

Supervisor: “Okay, so you need to return your phone and exchange for another phone. How is the phone damaged?”

Me: “Like I told the rep before, it isn’t damaged; you sent me a phone for [Other Carrier] when I specified [Carrier] on my order. You sent me the wrong phone and I want what I paid for.”

Supervisor: “Well, our policy is not to return or exchange any items unless there is a factory default.”

Me: “Fine, your factory defaulted me a phone with the wrong carrier. Why is this so hard to switch out? I don’t understand? It’s fine; the phone is in working order, but my plan is through [Carrier] which was specified on my order, but you sent me a phone for [Other Carrier]. You guys made the mistake; I want it fixed, now.”

Supervisor: “Let me put you on hold for a few minutes to talk to my supervisor.”

(I am very frustrated at this point, and am again on hold for almost 45 minutes, so I am seething when the new supervisor picks up the phone.)

New Supervisor: “Okay, so you need to exchange [Phone] because it is the wrong phone. I am seeing here that you ordered [Phone model]. What did we send you?”

Me: “Look, this is the last time I am explaining this so you had better listen: I ordered a [Phone] that needed to be compatible with [Carrier]. I received the correct model of phone, but because your company hates competition, you have locked this particular phone only to work with [Other Carrier] which is USELESS to me seeing as how I am with [Carrier]. Look at my order; pull it up in front of you. I will wait.”

New Supervisor: “I am looking at your invoice.”

Me: “GOOD, now what carrier does it say on my order? What carrier should my freaking phone been programmed too?”

New Supervisor: “It is for [Carrier].”

Me: “Precisely. You sent me a phone for [Other Carrier] that I don’t need. How is this NOT your company’s fault, and WHY won’t you let me exchange it for the phone I actually ordered?”

New Supervisor: “We will gladly exchange your phone. It will cost—”

Me: *cutting him off* “—it will cost me absolutely NOTHING because I was not the one in error; it was you. You will pay to ship it back, you will pay to get me my new phone over-nighted, and you will send me a phone for [Carrier] I need.”

New Supervisor: “I will have to check with my—”

Me: *cutting him off again* “—you check with them! I will wait. I have already waited d*** near two hours. What’s another 30 minutes of my life I will NEVER get back talking to you idiots?!”

(After another 20 minute wait, they finally agreed to exchange the phone for the one I wanted, over-nighted it, and I didn’t have to pay an extra dime.)

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