My company has an insanely generous return policy: no time limit on returns, no receipts necessary, you can return any item for any reason. I get that most customers don’t expect returns to be so easy, and I often deal with bewildered customers who were geared up to fight with a rep about returning something, but this one was special.

Me: “[Company], this is [My Name].”

Caller: *Loud and aggressively* “Someone messed up my order, and I don’t know who it was over there, but you need to look at it and fix it.”

Me: “Yes, certainly, and what’s the order information?”

Caller: *Gives it to me* “And if you look at line two, there’s an item on there that I did not — I repeat, I did not order. I asked some questions about it, and you can listen back to your recorded line, but I ultimately decided not to go with it, but here it is, and I don’t want it, and you need to pick it up from me because it’s your fault.”

My best guess is that the rep added the item to his order thinking he was going to order it and then just forgot to remove it when he changed his mind. Our mistake, so, of course, we’ll correct it, but even if it was his fault, we would’ve taken it back anyway with no questions asked.

Me: “Absolutely. I’m sorry for our error there. Should I send the return label to [his email address]?”

Caller: “Yeah, that’s my email address. I’m not trying to pull a fast one on you! I didn’t authorize this purchase!”

Me: “No, of course not. This was clearly our fault, and we’ll issue a full refund for you. You’ll see the return label in your inbox shortly.”

Caller: “You should listen back to the recording! You can clearly hear when I say that I changed my mind! I don’t know what that lady was trying to pull sending it to me anyway!”

Me: “We made a mistake, and for that, I sincerely apologize. I have the refund already in the works for you, and you’ll get the label to send the item back to us shortly.”

Caller: *Still aggressively* “I don’t understand.” *Suddenly pauses* “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes, that’s it. Sorry for the hassle.”

Caller: “Oh.” *Moment of silence* “I’m still not done being upset!” *Hangs up*

Caller: “I just placed an order on your website two seconds ago, and I realize I had the wrong quantity on one item. Is there any way to change it?”

The caller ID brought up his name and order history. I am already in his order from today.

Me: “Sure, I see the order from today. Which item do you need to change?”

Caller: “I literally just placed the order.”

Me: “Yes, I already have it pulled up. Which item needs changing?”

Caller: “I didn’t put a purchase order on it. Let me see if I can find an order number for you.”

Me: “Sir, I have already found the order under [Caller] for [six items], placed at 11:43 am today. Please just let me know which item you’d like to change, and I can take care of it.”

Caller: “I’ll call you right back with an order number.”

He hung up before I could say anything else.

Local customers can pick up their orders from our facility by selecting “Pickup” as the delivery method when they place the order. Like basically every other online retailer I can think of, though, your online account still requires that you enter a default shipping address.

Customer: “I received an email saying you cancelled my order, and I’m confused about why.”

I get his email address and pull up his order. “Pickup” was selected as the delivery method. I can also see the email we sent that clearly stated, “We cancelled your order because it was not picked up for seven business days.”

Me: “It looks like we had it ready for pickup for seven days, and you never came to get it. Did you still need it?”

Customer: “But that’s wrong. I put a shipping address in there. You were supposed to ship it.”

I double-check in case I was wrong.

Me: “I apologize for any misunderstanding. You had selected pickup as the delivery method.”

Customer: “But then I put in a shipping address, so you should have known.”

Me: “The system requires you to enter a default shipping address to place an order, regardless of the delivery method you choose. But that’s not a problem; all the info is saved from the cancelled order. I can get it shipped out today.”

Customer: “If you have the address, why didn’t you ship it? This is so confusing.”

Because we can’t read minds yet?

Me: “The next time you log in, just be sure to double-check which delivery method is selected. You’ll receive a new confirmation shortly.”

Me: “[Company], this is [My Name].”

Caller: “This is [Caller] from [Company], and I’m sure you can see the last order that we placed. We received four of the [item] but we only ordered two. What happened? I’d better not be charged for four of them!”

I have the order pulled up, and to me, it looks like we only shipped two. Accidents, happen though.

Me: “I’m sorry about that. I show that we list two on the order, and they should have shipped to you in two packages. You said you received four, though?”

Caller: “Wait, you shipped them in two packages?”

Me: “Yes, it looks like we only had one in stock in your normal warehouse, so we shipped the other from another warehouse slightly further away.”

This is all, of course, on the customer’s order confirmation, but I’ve been working here long enough to know that no one ever, ever reads the confirmation.

Caller: “Oh. Well. I received two packages, but I didn’t open them yet. Hold on.”

I hear a lot of shuffling and what sounds like two boxes being opened.

Caller: “Never mind.” *Click*

I am working from home. Incoming calls come into our headsets with this loud BEEP, which is our cue to launch into the company greeting. I am already in mid-conversation with a customer, and I hear a BEEP from — I’m guessing — my kid’s toys or maybe the TV in the other room. In any case, this BEEP causes me to interrupt the customer mid-sentence:

Me: “This is [My Name] from [Company]. How can I help you?”

There was an awkward pause as I realize what I had just done on auto-pilot and, I imagine, the customer wondered if he had just had a stroke. I apologized profusely and he just laughed it off, and I was grateful he couldn’t see how red I was!

Related:
This Is Your Brain On Autopilot