Loan Me A Bone Here

, , , , , , , | Working | February 13, 2018

(I have gone online to set up a payment plan for my student loans, only to find out they want a minimum payment of $400 a month. Since this is well out of my price range, I decide to call them directly.)

Me: “Yeah, I went online to set up the payment plan, but $400 a month isn’t going to work for me. We are a single-income family, with two children. Is there any way I can pay less?”

Customer Service: “I completely understand. Let me see what I can do for you.”

(They put me on hold for a couple of minutes.)

Customer Service: “Okay, here’s what we can do. If you can send us a one-time payment for $20,000, we’ll consider your entire balance paid off.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s not going to happen.”

(He ended up giving me the phone number of a different department where they could work with me regarding my payment. But I just couldn’t figure out the logic of, “She can’t afford $400 a month, so obviously she must be able to pay us $20,000.”)

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An Alarming Lack Of Helpfulness

, , , , | Working | February 12, 2018

(Our smoke detectors are wired into our home security system, which is wired through our cable phone line. Over a period of a couple of months, our security system keeps randomly going off in the middle of the night a couple of times a week. The security company always calls when this happens to advise they got an alarm and to make sure everything is okay. Our phone line goes dead for a couple of minutes after every false alarm before the call comes in, so we assume — incorrectly, as we found out later — that brief cable outages are causing the system to malfunction. We tell this to the security company representatives whenever they call. This is yet another call at 3:00 am.)

Security Rep: “We’ve received an alarm from your residence.”

Me: *groggy* “Yeah, we keep getting these calls. I think it’s because of the cable going out. Can someone please figure out how to make it stop?”

Security Rep: “Can you please provide the password for the account?”

(A password hasn’t been required for these types of calls in the past.)

Me: “I don’t remember the password. We set it up three years ago and haven’t had to use it.”

Security Rep: “I’m sorry. I can’t discuss anything further with you without the password.”

Me: “I don’t remember it. I can give you the security code for the alarm.”

Security Rep: “Nope, that won’t work. I need the password you set up when you opened the account.”

Me: “No one has asked for it before. Can’t you just ask me some security questions?”

Security Rep: “No, I need the password.”

Me: “But I don’t remember it, and you called me about the alarm. I’ve told your reps before that I think it’s because of a cable outage. Can I speak to someone that can stop these calls? I need to get up for work in a couple of hours, and I can’t have these calls coming in the middle of the night for no reason.”

Security Rep: “I can’t share anything without the password.”

Me: “You called me about an alarm. Can you at least tell me what kind of alarm it is so I can call back later with all the details?”

Security Rep: “I didn’t call about an alarm. I can’t tell you anything, but it wasn’t an alarm.”

Me: *getting frustrated* “Well, alarm, alert, whatever it was, are you telling me I can’t speak to anyone about my account?”

Security Rep: “I can’t tell you anything without a password.”

Me: “I don’t remember the password. Is there someone else I can speak to so we can fix this?”

Security Rep: “No, there’s no one else.”

Me: “So, you’re saying I’ll never be able to speak to anyone about the alarm, or alert, or whatever you want to call it, because I don’t remember a word we set up three years ago?”

Security Rep: “I’m sorry, but I can’t tell you anything except it wasn’t an alarm.”

Me: “So, I can never speak to anyone about my account without this password?”

Security Rep: “That’s right. I can’t do anything without the password.”

Me: “I’m sorry. This just seems insane. You call me in the middle of the night, and you won’t tell me anything, and now you’re saying I can’t fix this because I can’t remember my password?”

Security Rep: “Well, you can come into the office on Monday and someone can reset that for you.”

(She couldn’t have started with that? We did reset the password and figure out what was causing the false alarms.)

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Washing Your Hands Of Him

, , , , , | Right | January 31, 2018

(It’s the opening night at a brand new location of an upscale movie theater chain in Los Angeles. A colleague and I are working customer service. An enraged man with a stain on his shirt confronts my colleague.)

Customer: “I demand that you reimburse me for this shirt!”

Colleague: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I spilled ketchup on my shirt during the movie, and I demand that you reimburse me! The shirt is ruined! I tried washing it off, but none of the taps in your bathrooms work!”

(He goes off into an profanity-laced rant, and my colleague is letting it get to her. I interrupt his tirade.)

Me: “Excuse me, sir. Maybe you could show me the taps?”

(We walk off to the restroom, which has about 15 taps in a row.)

Me: “So, none of these are working?”

Customer: “Yeah, there’s no running water in here. You people make me sick!”

(The faucets are operated by a photocell, so I try one out and, of course, it works perfectly.)

Me: “You see these red things on the taps, sir? Just put your hand in front of them and water will come out.”

(I proceeded to do this with all fifteen taps while the customer just stood there with his mouth open. He muttered something under his breath, exited the restroom, and RAN though the main hall and out the door. I normally don’t like to humiliate people who are having a dumb moment, but he was being a real a**hole to my colleague.)

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Shocked That Things Cost Money

, , , , | Right | January 30, 2018

(I work for a cell phone company. A customer calls in about her bill.)

Customer: “I already paid my first month when I activated.”

Me: “According to my records, you only paid the activation fee.”

Customer: “Yes, that is the first month’s bill.”

Me: “No, the activation fee is separate.”

Customer: “No.”

Me: “Yes. Your activation fee is to activate the phone for services.”

Customer: “You mean to tell me… I have to pay to activate the phone and pay to use it for the first month?”

Me: “That is correct.”

(The customer then started laughing hysterically and hung up.)

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Not Exactly A Con Worthy Of The Movies

, , , , , | Right | January 27, 2018

(I work in a movie theater. A guy comes up to me in the customer service department on a busy, understaffed Saturday. We are sold out of almost everything.)

Me: *thoroughly polite, with my fake smile and octave-higher-than-normal voice* “Hi. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I’d like a refund for this movie. I hated it.”

(He hands me a ticket for a 6:00 movie. It is now 8:05.)

Me:  “I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give a refund past the scheduled start time.”

Customer: “Fine. Can I get the passes, then?”

(We have passes that cover any movie, including the pricier IMAX.)

Me: “Unfortunately, I don’t make the movies. I’m sorry you disliked it, but your movie is over, and I can’t give you passes for disliking a movie.”

Customer: “Get me your manager!”

(I call for a manager, and she comes over seconds later.)

Customer: “This rude worker won’t give me a refund.”

(The manager looks at the tickets.)

Manager: “Your movie has ended. We can’t give you a refund, and I’m not giving you passes for disliking a movie. Have a great day.”

(I nearly hugged my manager for this. Turns out the guy tries this weekly.)

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