The Great Intelligence Disconnect

| Austin, TX, USA | Right | February 24, 2014

(I work at a gaming company and provide tech support to all of our customers that call.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. My name is [My Name]. How can I help you today?”

Customer: “I hope you can help me. I have been having connection issues all week with [Game]. I play for about 30 minutes and am disconnected. Can you fix it?”

Me: “I can try. First let’s open up the website to pull up some info that may help us resolve this.”

(About 30 seconds pass.)

Me: “Are you there, sir?”

Customer: “Sorry, the internet has been having issues all week. It is a bit slow right now…”

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Needs To Give That Caller A High-Five

| Hampshire, England, UK | Right | February 17, 2014

(It’s about 4:45 pm. We have a strict rule about not taking yourself off the phone until 5 pm exactly. People still do, but it’s a gamble. The earlier you take yourself off, the more likely you are to get in trouble, but the longer you stay logged on as your coworkers log off, the more likely you are to get a call. Sure enough, my phone rings, but most calls are only 10 minutes to resolve so I don’t mind.)

Me: “[Company] customer services. [Name] speaking. How can I help?”

Customer: “Hi there. I was hoping you could tell me [very basic bit of information that’s on his documents].”

Me: “Of course!”

(I answer.)

Customer: “Excellent. Now, am I correct in thinking your offices close at 5 pm?”

Me: “Yes, sir. That’s correct.”

Customer: “Ah, I see. Now, tell me, honestly. Are you one of these companies that hang up on customers as soon as the clock strikes 5, or do you stay logged in until the last second to take calls?”

Me: “Honestly? We’re a company of over 600 employees. I can’t speak for each individual. I can assure you, though, that I have never met a manager in this place who would tolerate someone hanging up on a customer to go home on time, and it’s certainly not something I would do.”

Customer: “That’s good, dear. So, I was wondering if you could tell me…”

(The customer then basically strikes up a conversation with me. Every few minutes, he asks me what the time is. As soon as the clock hits 5 pm, he bids me farewell and hangs up. He had phoned a 25p per minute phone number so he could help a random stranger get home on time.)

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A Debtor Way To Deal With Them

| Dallas, TX, USA | Working | January 23, 2014

(For months I received calls from a bill collector while at work, asking for a man who has never worked at the office. My company filed several complaints with the FCC but the calls still kept coming. I got permission from my boss to mess with the caller the next time they rang in. We had caller ID at the time, so I knew it was the bill collector before picking up the phone.)

Me: “Thank you for calling ‘Glitzy Coffins,’ where we stylize your loved ones straight to the grave.”

Collector: “Um… Is [Name] there?”

Me: “Let me check with the back and see if he has been sent to embalming. One moment, please.”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later, the phone rings again from the same number.)

Me: “Doctor Z’s purification clinic, zapping away herpes since 1992. How can I help you?”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Do you have an appointment?”

Collector: “No. I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “I can’t help if you don’t have an appointment. Now what genital disease is causing your trouble? Our physicians are not only qualified, they are ordained by the lord to save your soul from your sinful ways.”

Collector: *hangs up*

(Another 10 minutes later.)

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is [Name] available?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “I need to speak with him regarding an urgent matter.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Is he available or not?”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Don’t be a b****. Is he there? I must speak with him.”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: “Look! Give me [Name] now or you’ll be in trouble!”

Me: “Quack.”

Collector: *throws out a string of profanities for a few minutes, threatening to sue me if I don’t put the man he’s contacting on the phone* “So, what do you have to say?”

Me: “…Quack.”

Collector: *click*

(At this point, I’ve coerced a few coworkers to join in on the fun since the calls were still coming in. Five minutes later…)

Coworker #1: “Dude.” *snickers* “I’m so high right now!”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Me: “D*** it Regina! Get yo a** back on the street. Pimp needs his mother-f****** money!”

Coworker #1: “I’m sorry, daddy!”

Me: “D*** right, b****!” *to phone* “Yeah?”

Collector: *click*

(10 minutes later…)

Coworker #2: “Hey. This is Darnell and you’re calling Bros for Hoes. What chocolatey confection can I serve you up with today?”

Collector: “F***!” *slams the phone down*

(They stopped calling after that.)

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Spare No Expense In Getting The Message Across

| Naples, Italy | Working | November 3, 2013

(I’m calling my bank’s call center.)

Me: “Hello, I have a small problem. I’m using your website, and I need to transfer some money to a foreign museum’s account. They have asked me to take care of all the expenses, including those for their bank.”

Bank Representative: “Yes, you can select the option to charge all the expenses on their account.”

Me: “Um, yes, I saw that. But what I need to do is the opposite. I need to pay all the expenses myself, and not make them pay for everything; there doesn’t seem to be an option for this on your website. I was wondering if there was any way to do it, or if you had any suggestions.”

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T do that!”

Me: “Yes, I know there’s no option for that. I’m asking if there’s any way I could make sure they don’t—”

(At this point the representative starts yelling at me.)

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “Yes, as I was saying, I—”

Bank Representative: “You CAN’T do that! You can’t! You CAN’T!”

Me: “I—”

Bank Representative: “YOU CAN’T DO THAT! YOU CAN’T DO THAT!”

Me: “Huh. Alright, thank you very much. Have a nice day…”

This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 23

, | The Netherlands | Right | September 15, 2013

Customer: “I have a direct debit, but now you’re charging me extra costs. Why? You can just take the money from my account!”

Me: “Well we tried twice, but the bank refused the payment. That’s why we sent you two reminders before adding the costs. Did you receive the letters?”

Customer: “Probably, but I never read your mail because I have a direct debit.”

Me: “But how are we supposed to let you know something is wrong if you don’t open the mail? We’re not sending you spam; we’re sending you a legitimate message.”

Customer: “Yeah, but as I said I don’t read them. So, now I feel I don’t have to pay the costs, because I didn’t know the payment failed.”

Me: “But we told you in the letters that the payment failed. Twice.”

Customer: “I DON’T READ THEM. You should have let me know!”

Me: “We did! How else were you expecting to receive our notices?”

Customer: “I don’t know! I just think the costs shouldn’t be charged.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but the costs are correct. You just told me that you received our letters, but you don’t read them. We let you know that the bill wasn’t paid and stated in our letters when the payment was due to prevent the costs. I am fully willing to discuss payment, but you will have to pay the costs.”

Customer: “I am not happy about this. I was expecting more from you.”

Me: “More? What were you expecting besides two letters?”

Customer: “I don’t know. Just… more…”

(The customer did end up paying the costs. I’m still wondering to this day what kind of ‘more’ he expected from us.)

 

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