Customer: “I’m missing a refund. I went to buy some shoes and I didn’t have enough money on the card, so they voided it. Well, the money was still taken off my card. Can you help?”

Me: “Sure, I will be happy to assist you.”

I got all the information I needed and confirmed it was voided. I began to tell her:

Me: “We are showing the transaction was voided so we never actually took the money from your card…”

As I continued speaking, she began to speak, and I knew exactly what she was about to say: “You guys did take it because it’s showing on my card!”

Before she could even muster the words, I just got a little louder and continued finishing my sentence.

Me: “…so we never actually took the money from your card, and when it’s voided, it takes up to three days to reflect back, which is why it hasn’t dropped off yet.”

She was totally understanding and was very nice, but this was a perfect case of “please don’t interrupt people.” It’s quite rude. I had every answer she needed and simply needed to let me finish my sentence instead of preparing to freak out on me.

I am a very forgiving and flexible person who lets go of a lot, so to have to ask for a supervisor is a big deal for me. In this call, the customer support was so bad that I ended up asking for one.

The customer service representative had me on hold for about five minutes before he came back.

Representative: “Unfortunately, all of my supervisors are busy and I don’t know when they will get around to helping you. And seeing as I did resolve your issue today…”

Me: “I used to work in a call center and I understand a bit about how they work. Do they track your metrics?”

Representative: “Excuse me?”

Me: “Your metrics. Do they track how long you are on calls with customers and how long you have them on hold?”

Representative: “Yes, ma’am.”

Me: “Okay, so go ahead and put me on hold until you can get me a supervisor.”

Representative: “All of my supervisors are busy at the moment, and I don’t know when one will be available, and since I did resolve your concern…”

Me: “Don’t worry about how long the wait will be. It won’t inconvenience me; I have all night.”

I was put on hold for maybe a minute before I had a supervisor.

Caller: “I am looking at [Part Number]. How long is that?”

Me: “I’m showing that it’s 0.525 inches long.”

Caller: “And what’s that in regular inches?”

Me: “I’m sorry, what do you mean? That was in inches.”

Caller: “Yeah, but what’s that in regular inches? Like, half? Three-quarters?”

Me: “Oh, well, it’s just over half.”

Caller: “Why don’t it just say that? I’m looking at these parts on your website, and none of these numbers makes sense.”

Me: “What length do you need? Maybe I can find it for you.”

Caller: *Ignoring me* “This one here says 0.375. That’s three-quarters, right?

Me: “No, that’s three-eighths. Three quarters is 0.75.”

Caller: “Well, why can’t they just say three-eighths?”

Me: *Finally clicks* “They wrote it as a decimal; 0.375 is the same as three-eighths. All the lengths in this product category are written as decimals rather than fractions.”

Caller: “And what about this one that says 0.2? That’s half, right?”

Me: “No, half is 0.5… How about you just let me know the length you need so I can track it down?”

I did eventually find what he needed, but I was absolutely dumbfounded.

I acknowledge that I probably have more decimal equivalents of fractions memorized than the average person because I work with these products all day, but frankly, I would expect a fully-grown adult to know that 0.5 and a half are the same thing, especially since this caller worked for an industrial contractor — the kind of person who also works with industrial products all day.

Related:
Fractionally More Stupid, Part 2
Fractionally More Stupid

I have to call a US customer service number to resolve an issue. [Clerk #1] answers the phone and does his spiel in English.

Me: “Erm, hi. I’m [My Name] and I’m calling from the UK. Someone’s used my email to make an account with you and I want it removed.”

Clerk #1: “Er, erm. I have to transfer you to someone who will be able to speak your language, okay?”

I’m really confused but also very British.

Me: “Oh, okay.”

I get transferred, hold for about twenty seconds, and get [Clerk #2], who does presumably the same spiel but in Spanish.

Me: “Er, I’m really sorry, but I can pretty much only say hello and goodbye in Spanish.”

Clerk #2: “I am so sorry; he said you were from Spain.”

Me: *Pauses* “I said I was from the UK.”

Clerk #2: *Audible pain* “That’s not Spain… How can you mess those two up?”

He resolved my issue.

Like most online shops, our system automatically sends a confirmation when something ships out. This is true even when it’s a replacement on an existing order; a new confirmation goes out for the replacement shipment.

Caller: “I just got an email that you’re charging my card for the replacement on [order number], and the guy I just spoke to told me we wouldn’t have to pay for that.”

I pull up the order and see a confirmation time-stamped one minute earlier.

Me: “Yes, that email we sent was a confirmation that a new shipment is coming your way, but we have it here as a no-cost replacement.”

Caller: “Then, why did I get an email from my credit card company that I was just charged for this item?”

There’s no way this can be true. Our payment system is leftover from the early 1970s, and credit card payments run overnight. There isn’t even a way to override that manually; the most we can do is a “preauthorization,” but even that doesn’t properly charge your card. This is beside the point because we aren’t charging him for the replacement, anyway.

Me: “I’m sorry, but our credit cards run overnight. There’s no way that email could be about this order. And you’re not being charged for the replacement.”

Caller: “It’s from MasterCard, and it says [Company] is charging my card for this order from today.”

Me: “Are there any other outstanding orders this could be about?”

Caller: “No, that should be the only one.”

I confirm this on my end.

Caller: “I don’t see why you people would charge me to replace something that ain’t my fault!”

Me: “Sir. We did not charge your credit card for this replacement, nor will we charge your card. It is not possible for us to have run a payment on your card right now because our payments run overnight. Now, if you received a message from your credit card company regarding a payment to us, that’s something I’m going to have to look into further and get back to you about. I don’t see anything related to that on my end.”

Caller: *Shouting to someone on his end* “Was that email from MasterCard?” *Some shuffling and muffled voices* “The email is from [Your Company] from [time stamp of the confirmation].”

Me: “Yes, as I said, that’s a confirmation of your replacement shipment.”

Caller: “Then why is my credit card on there?

It finally clicks.

Me: “It says, ‘credit card,’ on the confirmation because that is how you originally paid for the order. Again, we are not actually charging for the replacement shipment.”

Caller: “Hmph! You’d better not!” *Hangs up*