(My coworker is trying to help a customer get a loan payoff for his late father’s car so he can sell it as executor, for which he has all the proper documentation. All I can hear is my coworker’s side of the conversation.)

Coworker: “Yes, I’m trying to get a payoff for a mutual customer who recently passed away… No, unfortunately, I can’t put him on the phone. I have his son here as executor, who can authorize anything you need and provide any documentation you require… Again, unfortunately, that’s not possible.”

Customer: “What’s wrong?”

Coworker: “They want to speak with your father.”

(I worked in a mall throughout high school. After I went to college I was hired back for the following summer. Another employee I used to work with the previous year came back as well and started again a week before I did. Since most of the rest of the staff are high school kids, the two of us are the only ones working weekday mornings — high schools don’t get out for another month.)

Coworker #1: “You’ll like most of the new kids working here. They are all pretty cool, except for this one guy, who is a complete moron. I’m pretty sure he is stealing from the store, as well.”

(As if on cue, this particular new coworker walks in.)

Coworker #1: “[Coworker #2], what are you doing here? Don’t you have school?”

Coworker #2: “School is for p***ies; I don’t need school.”

(I stand there kind of in shock while he demands my coworker give him a free sandwich, before eventually leaving as my coworker declines. Before I have a chance to work a shift with this kid, he is fired for trying to walk out with an entire case of energy drinks while the owner is in the store. We think this will be the end of having to deal with him, but he is immediately hired at a hat store directly across from ours. He regularly comes in, trying to get people to give him free food. After about two weeks of him working at the other store, their manager comes in to chat with us.)

Hat Store Manager: “Hey, guys. I have a question about [Coworker #2]. He used to work here, right?”

Me: “Yeah, the owner fired him for stealing a few weeks ago.”

Hat Store Manager: “That’s what I figured. He told me he quit because you didn’t give him enough hours, but our entire inventory has been off since he started. Guess I should have checked over here before I hired him.”

(It turns out that in the short time he had been at the hat store, he had taken home a few dozen hats. His classmates told us he was trying to sell them at school, but no one would buy them because of how obvious it was they were stolen.)

(I am completing an externship for my chosen area of study. Some of the things I handle require a lot of documentation. In terms of this particular product there is a difference between state-funded product and private product; it is literally the same stuff, but the funding is separate, and therefore the stock is kept separate. I have prepared a product from the private stock for a person, and it turns out that it wasn’t needed. Due to the nature of the product, I can’t just put it back or use it on someone else. I must mark it as “wasted” and dispose of it. Later that afternoon, this discussion happens with the coworker in charge of keeping the stocks accounted for.)

Coworker: “There was wasted [state-funded product]?!”

Me: *anxieties kick in mildly* “Uh, yeah? I was told to prepare it, and then it turns out it wasn’t needed.”

Coworker: “Okay, we need to get some paperwork filled out. If we don’t track this stuff, then we could lose our funding for the [private stock]!”

(I start filling out the paperwork, and about halfway through the light-bulb clicks.)

Me: “Oh, wait. This was from private stock. Do I still need to fill this out?”

Coworker: “Private stock? Then why did you say it was [state-funded stock]?”

Me: “I panicked?”

Nearby Coworker: *ponders for a second* “Yep, that’s an acceptable answer.”

(We are under a fog advisory; you can barely see the vehicle in front of you. I have to get up pretty early, partly because of the fog, but mostly because I live about an hour away from where I work. The road I take to work is under construction. I stroll into work — kind of late because of the fog and the extra time on my commute — and get settled at my desk, and I mention how bad the fog is near me. I am not the only one who lives outside of the city, but I am one of two who drive an hour or so to work every day. Everyone else drives 15 to 30 minutes, tops. The moment I mention how bad the fog is, I almost instantly regret it. I have one coworker who thinks EVERYTHING is a competition.)

Coworker: “Well, it’s worse over where I live. I live in the country!”

Me: “I mean, I kind of do, too. My town is in the middle of nowhere. You couldn’t even see two utility poles in front of you.”

Coworker: ” Yeah, but it’s still worse in the country.”

Me: “I know. There’s road construction in my town, remember? I have to take back-roads. I mean sure, the main road I usually take is still a country road, but I have to drive quite a while on gravel, now. And that’s terrifying in the fog.”

Coworker: “So what? I have to drive gravel every day.”

Me: “Not in fog.”

Coworker: “But I still have to drive on gravel every day!”

Me: “You live much closer to work. You also have to remember, I drive an hour every day.”

Coworker: “What does that have to do with it? I have to drive 25 minutes every day! Do you know how foggy it is?”

(Of course. Because 25 minutes is much worse than an hour. I should have stopped the conversation long before.)

This story is part of our Somehow Even More Weather roundup!

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(Our restaurant is part of a chain, so the direct superior to the branch manager is the regional manager, who visits from time to time. This regional manager is not very popular with the employees, since his “working in the field” practically means he comes in and starts looking for mistakes, criticising the staff for lamps which aren’t hanging at the same height, or for having stuff they really need laying in sight because it “doesn’t look nice.” One of my coworkers, known to be a wannabe tough guy, despises the man. This coworker recently put in his notice.)

Coworker: “Pity [Regional Manager] didn’t show up this week. If he does, I’m really going to act like a total weirdo. [Other Coworker] and I even rehearsed a bit for it.”

Me: “Really?”

Coworker: “Yeah, we would put on our cap the wrong way and shout–” *stupid, childlike voice* “’HEEEYYYYY, [REGIONAL MANAGER]! WHY DO THE KNIVES ALWAYS GO DULL?’” And then we’d smash the knives on the metal table, like this.” *makes a smashing gesture*

Me: “Would you really have done that?”

Coworker: “Yeah, because then, he would have fired me! And then I could be like, ‘HAHA! I ALREADY PUT IN MY NOTICE!’”