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Prepare To Lose All Reception

, , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My colleague is passing through reception, where I work, and we small talk as she signs out for lunch. I use this as an example of how much respect receptionists receive. Bear in mind that this girl is my age, and until two months ago was an assistant administrator.)

Me: “I feel like I’ve done nothing this morning, because I’ve been in and out of meetings.”

Colleague: “What do you have to go to meetings about?”

Me: “Wow…”

(Fortunately I have very little to do with her professionally, and all my other coworkers are lovely.)

They’ll Come Later, Alligator

, , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(I work third shift. Second shift is notoriously slovenly, to the point that we often spend upwards of two hours getting the plant shipshape again. Today they have left the place fairly clean for once.)

Coworker: “It’s actually kind of eerie when second shift doesn’t leave us a disaster area. It’s like, ‘I’m supposed to be up to my a** in alligators right now! Where are all the alligators?’”

Your Salary This Year Will Be Impotent

, , , , | Working | September 20, 2017

(My coworker likes to occasionally “pick on” some of the sales managers, but it’s all in good fun, and they know she’s just joking.)

Coworker: *shouting out the window of the office to one of the managers* “[MANAGER], ARE YOU IMPOTENT?”

Me: “[Coworker], you can’t say that!”

Coworker: “Why?”

Me: “Do you know what that means?”

Coworker: “Doesn’t it just mean, like, unimportant?”

Me: “No! It means a guy can’t get it up!”

Coworker: “Oh.”

(At this point, the manager comes over, and he’s just dying of laughter.)

Me: “Never say that again!”

Everyone Should Speak Vodka

, , , , | Working | September 15, 2017

(We’ve been out of a product all day, and I inform my coworker over the headset that I have just finished making some more.)

Coworker: “You said we’ve got cold brew again?”

Me: “Si.”

Coworker: “I don’t speak Taco.”

Me: “Oui.”

Coworker: “I don’t speak Croissant.”

Me: “Da.”

Coworker: “I don’t speak Vodka.”

Me: “Get out.”

Lola Is Genderfluid

, , , , | Working | September 15, 2017

(I am in the break room and [Coworker] comes in for something.)

Coworker: “Oh, hey, [My Name], my new neighbor knows you.”

Me: “Oh, yeah? Who is it?”

Coworker: “Uh…” *looking at his phone for the name* “Uh. His naaaame iiiissss…” *dragging out the words while he searches*

Me: *singing* “Lola! He was a showgirl, with colored feathers in his hair.”

Coworker: *joining in* “And a dress cut down to there!”

Other Coworker: *walking in* “You people are weird.”