(I work at a call center for a major US bank.)

Elderly Customer: “Hello. I would like to speak to the president of the bank.”

Me: *thinking she’s confused* “Do you mean the branch manager, ma’am?”

Elderly Customer: “NO! I meant what I said; I demand to speak to the president of the bank!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but the president doesn’t take customer phone calls. Is there anything I can help you with?”

Elderly Customer: “PRESIDENT! NOW!”

Me: “Ma’am, again, I apologize but the president doesn’t have time to—”

Elderly Customer: *cuts me off* “GASP! He doesn’t have time for me?!”

(I could hear her sobbing as she hung up the phone.)

Friend: “I don’t understand why your cat’s nickname is Demon Kitten. She’s never been anything but sweet every time I see her.”

Me: “She is sweet. She’s also a crazy devil creature whose greatest joy in life is to sow destruction wherever she treads.”

Friend: “So, she’s a normal kitten.”

Me: “Yup, a perfectly normal kitten. Though she did decapitate an angel once.”

(She was so proud of herself for knocking that figurine off the shelf.)

(I’m a butcher at a high-end grocery store in a rich neighborhood of Connecticut. We’re running a special on “game day” — raw — chicken wings, at 99 cents a pound.)

Regular: *who is demanding and usually awful* “I would like five pounds of your special wings.”

Me: *proceeds to weigh them out and bag them up*

Regular: “No, no, NO! My wings can’t have bones in them! Cut the bones out!”

Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but we can’t debone chicken wings. They’re too small and wouldn’t produce enough meat.

Regular: “What are you talking about? You cut the bones out of a chicken breast for me last week! I demand you cut the bones out of those wings!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am, that was me last week. I cut the bone out of that chicken breast for you because we were out of boneless chicken breasts. I can’t just cut the bones out of all of these wings.”

Regular: “You can and you will! I’ll have you fired!”

Me: “Why don’t I go get a manager for you, okay?”

(The department manager argues with her for some time. She yells and actually STOMPS HER FEET LIKE A CHILD until he finally agrees and tells me to just cut the bones out of the wings for her.)

Me: “Okay, ma’am. There are about fifty wings here, so it should take around an hour to cut all of the bones out for you. You can just come back for them after 1:00.”

Regular: *sticks her nose in the air* “Well, you’re awfully slow, aren’t you?!”

Me: *goes to weigh out the chicken wings again*

Regular: “Wait, what are you doing?”

Me: “Weighing your chicken wings so I can get a price for you before I cut the bones out?”

Regular: “No, that won’t do. That won’t do at all. You can’t charge me for the bones I’m not even getting!”

(The manager, who has stuck around to see what happens, chimes in.)

Manager: “Ma’am, it’s policy that we charge the full weight of product before we remove the bones. Removing the bones for you is a courtesy.”

Regular: “Well, I never!” *storms away without her cheap-ass chicken wings*

(The kicker? She had over $100 worth of steaks, and easily twice that worth of wine in her cart!)

(I am ringing out a mother and her two little boys wearing the cutest raincoats. I overhear the older boy whispering to his mom that the girl didn’t reply when he said hi. Realizing he is talking about me, I wave to him.)

Me: “Hi there!”

Older Boy: “Hi! I’m a fireman! This is my uniform ‘cause I’m a fireman.” *starts smiling and going into detail about firemen*

Me: *turning to the younger boy* “And what are you supposed to be?”

Younger Boy: *with a yellow raincoat* “TOOLS! I’m tools!”

(A customer appears late one day. He is obnoxious and keeps asking for free coffee in exchange for positive Yelp reviews. My supervisor takes pity on him and pours him a cup. Two days later, he comes back in:)

Customer: *slams a case of Monster energy drinks on the counter* “I’m here for my regular.”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Customer: “I’m here for my free coffee.”

Me: “I’m sorry, but we don’t give out free coffee.”

Customer: “You must be new. I was in here the other day. I get a free coffee in exchange for a positive Yelp review.”

Me: “I was working when you came in. My supervisor made an exception, but I really can’t. I’m sorry. I’ll be happy to sell you a coffee.”

Customer: “BUT I WRITE POSITIVE REVIEWS!” 

(We stare each other down a few seconds.)

Me: “And we appreciate that. But I still can’t give out free coffee.”

Customer: “Well, the service here has certainly gone downhill. Maybe I’ll write about that.”

(A line has formed behind him and my patience is wearing REALLY thin). 

Me: “Are you trying to blackmail us into giving you free items by threatening negative reviews?”

Customer: *yelling* “MAYBE! THE SERVICE HERE IS REALLY AWFUL!”

Me: “I’m sorry you feel that way. But a line has formed behind you and if you aren’t going to purchase anything I do have to ask you to leave.”

(He walks out, still yelling about my terrible customer service skills. He returns a few moments later and attempts to sell Monster to our customers. I politely excuse myself from the line of customers and tell him again to leave.)

Woman: *in line behind him* “What the f*** was that?!”