Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

(I work at a thrift store. It’s quite common for people to pull off price tags in an effort to get a lower price. Most of the time it works, but occasionally, we’ll catch someone doing it. This night, my boss approaches me holding a tag that says “$6.99”.)

Boss: *hands me a tag* “I just watched a family in housewares pull this tag off of a metal basket. So, if they ask what price it is, it’s $6.99.”

(Just as my boss predicted, the family comes up ten minutes later with the metal basket, just before closing. The husband begins talking to me.)

Customer: *feigning ignorance* “Oh, so, what’s the price on this basket?”

Me: “It’s $6.99.”

Customer: *indignant* “Really?!”

(I pull out the $6.99 price tag they ripped off earlier.)

Me: “Yeah, really.”

Customer: “Oh, s***.”

(I love my work sometimes.)

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(I work at a gym and recreational facility that requires a membership.)

Customer: “Hi, I have a question about my membership payment.”

Me: “Okay, are you on the annual or quarterly payment system.”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “On the bills you get from us, is it for $350 or $1400?”

Customer: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, if you can give me your name and phone number, I can make sure our billing person looks up your payment and then contacts you.”

Customer: “I don’t know my phone number…”

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(I’ve just finished ringing out the customer’s items. He hands me a gift card for another store. It’s the same color as our rewards card, so I think he just isn’t paying attention and has them confused.)

Me: “Sir, this is a [Store] gift card. We can’t take this.”

Customer: “No, you can. Take the gift card.”

Me: “No, I can’t. This is for [Other Store]. You’re at [Hardware Store] right now.”

Customer: “No, take the gift card. I want to pay with that.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes, with the customer insisting I take the gift card for the other store. I even run the card through the scanner just in case.)

Customer: “Wait, that is a [Store] gift card, isn’t it?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “And I’m at [Hardware Store], aren’t I?”

Me: “Yes.”

Customer: “Oh.” *takes gift card* “So, what do I owe you?”

Me: “$30.00.”

(He hands me a $20 and stares expectantly.)

Me: “And then it’s still $10, sir.”

Customer: “You’ve got the $20.”

Me: “Right, and $30 minus $20 is still $10.”

Customer: “But you’re holding the $20.”

Me: “Yes, but your total is more than $20.”

Customer: “I gave you a $20.”

(This goes on for a few more minutes, too. Finally…)

Customer: “Wait, did you say it’s $30?”

(My friend and I are cleaning up at the end of the night at a frozen yogurt shop downtown. Suddenly, a guy walks in.)

Guy: “You need to buy me a piece of pizza cause I ain’t eaten all day!”

Me: “The pizza shop in the mall is closed. I can give you a sample of yogurt.”

(I pour him a sample of acai blueberry yogurt.)

Guy: “What the h*** is that?”

Me: “Yogurt.”

Guy: “Nuh uh, that’s sperm.”

Me: “This is yogurt.”

Guy: “Stop trying to give me sperm! I do scientific research and that is HORSE SPERM!” *runs away*