(It’s the end of the day at the grocery deli. Most of the other customers have left. I am just about to start closing up when a last customer walks up. He is wearing oversized glasses and mismatched clothing, as if he hasn’t done his laundry in a while.)

Customer: “Hey, you closing up?”

Me: “I’ve got enough time for ya! What do you need?”

(He orders and I begin preparing it.)

Customer: “So, how is that job?”

Me: “Nothing really to complain about, other than the occasional weird customer—”

Customer: “You know, I’m pretty weird! You want to see how weird I am?”

Me: “No, sir, that’s all right, I was just—”

(The customer proceeds to pull down his pants right in the middle of the store and does a little victory pose. I’m so dumbfounded I almost cut myself on the slicer.)

Customer: *pulling his pants up* “I bet you haven’t met anyone weirder than that yet, have ya?!”

Me: “No, sir, I most definitely have not.”

(I’m working as an operator for a computer repair shop.)

Customer: “I’d like to check on the status of my repair, please.”

(I look her up in our system and her computer has been ready for 48 days.)

Me: “Ma’am, your computer has been ready for 48 days.”

Customer: “I know! I forgot all about it. Today, my daughter asked about the computer. I was all, ‘What computer?'”

Me: “Well, if you could pick it up before the 21st, that would be great. Otherwise, we have to recycle it.”

Customer: “Don’t do that! I need my computer!”

Me: “Don’t worry, ma’am. Today’s the 8th. You have some time.”

Customer: “But what if I forget?”

Me: “Please don’t!”

Small Child: “Mommy! I just saw a fish that was as big as Aunt Karen!”

Mom: “There is NO fish that’s as big as Aunt Karen.”

Me: “Hello, sir, how can I help you?”

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to take this plug and put it into that socket.”

Me: “Okay, sir. What is the shape and color of the plug and socket?”

Caller: “The plug is blue and square-shaped and the socket is a blue circle.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but it doesn’t look like those plugs are compatible.”

Caller: “That’s not right. They’re both blue.”

Me: “Yes, but the plug is square and the socket is a circle. Square plugs usually won’t fit into a circle-shaped socket.”

Caller: “But they’re both blue and conduct electricity from this local area. That doesn’t make sense!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, I can’t help you do what you want to do. You need a square-shaped socket for it to happen.”

Caller: “Really? I’m not so sure you’re right. You sound rather confused, actually…”

(I work at a thrift store. It’s quite common for people to pull off price tags in an effort to get a lower price. Most of the time it works, but occasionally, we’ll catch someone doing it. This night, my boss approaches me holding a tag that says “$6.99”.)

Boss: *hands me a tag* “I just watched a family in housewares pull this tag off of a metal basket. So, if they ask what price it is, it’s $6.99.”

(Just as my boss predicted, the family comes up ten minutes later with the metal basket, just before closing. The husband begins talking to me.)

Customer: *feigning ignorance* “Oh, so, what’s the price on this basket?”

Me: “It’s $6.99.”

Customer: *indignant* “Really?!”

(I pull out the $6.99 price tag they ripped off earlier.)

Me: “Yeah, really.”

Customer: “Oh, s***.”

(I love my work sometimes.)

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