(I take calls regarding credit card accounts. My shift end time has come and gone, but I am on the phone with a cardholder who cannot understand his very simple bill and is unwilling to be placed on hold to be transferred to a billing specialist. My supervisor is waiting for the call to end, as she can’t leave until all of her team has signed off the phones. She has taken a seat next to me and is listening, giving hints to try to get the customer off the phone. She signals for me to mute the call, and says:)

Supervisor: “Anyone can understand the bills; you just have to figure out a way to say it to get through to them. Let me take over the call; get your things together and get ready to go home.”

(My supervisor then puts on my headset and I run for the facilities, desperately having to use the restroom. I return a few minutes later to my supervisor still on the phone, shaking her head and mock beating it on the desk. She finally tells the caller to take his bill to his bank and have someone there review it with him, as there is nothing else that can be done over the phone, and she disconnects, obviously over the protests of the caller.)

Me: “So, he still didn’t understand?”

Supervisor: “There are exceptions to every rule, and he was a glaring one. If I ever hear you ever used the term ‘idiot’ to describe a caller, I’d probably write you up, but this was as close as I’ve ever come to doing so myself. I apologize. I was wrong; there are some people who just don’t understand!”

(My supervisor was tough, but that day she certainly earned my respect.)

(A customer calls me about a knob that has fallen off of her refrigerator. She doesn’t have the model number so I’m trying to identify the part.)

Me: “What color is the knob.”

Caller: “Black.”

Me: “Does it have any numbers on it?”

Caller: “No. All it says is ‘Colder’ and then 1, 2, 3, 4…”

(I work for the scheduling department for a national tow company and we review title information prior to sending out a driver. This conversations happens multiple times a day:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Towing Company]. Are you calling to schedule your pickup?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Do you have the title for your vehicle in FRONT of you?”

Customer: “Yes!”

Me: “Perfect, can you please tell me exactly how any and all names are printed on the title?”

Customer: “…oh. You meant physically in front of me? No, I don’t have it; I will call you back.” *click*

(I work doing tech support for a company that makes satellite dishes for RVs and campers. This is the first call of the day. Here are some snippets of conversation I had with him. These quotes are VERBATIM. He’s in the guide.)

Me: “Exit out of the guide.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘exit out of the guide’?”

Me: “Hit the exit or back button.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘hit the exit or back button’?”

Me: “What model receiver do you have?”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘what model receiver do I have’?”

Me: “Okay, is your remote silver and black or just solid black?”

Customer: “Solid black.”

Me: “Okay, you have a [receiver]. In the upper left corner, hit the back button”

Customer: “There’s only a menu and input button over there.”

(He’s describing the other type of receiver remote, which is called a ‘211.’)

Me: “Okay, you have a 211. Your remote is silver and black.”

Customer: “Yeah, it’s silver and black.”

(I get him to finally exit out of the guide.)

Me: “Okay, please hit 1-4-0 on the remote control.”

Customer: “What do you mean, ‘hit 1-4-0 on the remote control’?”

(ARE YOU KIDDING ME? It’s not rocket science, man. After fifteen minutes, I got him to the screen with the phone number he needed to call to fix his problem.)

(I work in an outsourced call centre for a well-known mobile phone brand. I have a “received pronunciation” accent which means that, although I’m Australian, born and bred, I sound like I’m an upper-class Brit. Most callers like my accent, which can lead to very difficult conversations along the “thank God you’re not an Indian” lines. This time, though, was a bit of a twist on that conversation.)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Company]. This is [My Name] speaking. How can I help you today?”

Caller: “Are you in India?”

Me: “No, I’m Australian, in Australia.”

Caller: “No, you’re Indian.”

Me: “Do I sound like I’m Indian?”

Caller: “Yes! Yes, you do!”

Me: *laughing* “Well, then, I guess I’m Indian…”

(The caller hung up.)