(It’s January 2, 2001, and it’s the start of a new year, a new decade, and a new century. My wife and I have just finished enjoying “marital relations.”)
Me: “So! Best sex you’ve had this century?”
Wife: “You bet!”
(I’m sitting beside my husband at home when he calls the nearby pizza restaurant to place an order. I can hear the whole exchange. It goes as follows.)
Husband: “Hello, I’d like to place an order for carry-out.”
Employee: “Okay. Is that for delivery?”
Husband: “No, I said, ‘Carry-out.’”
Employee: “What?”
Husband: “CARRY. OUT. You know, I’m going to place my order, go to your store, pay for my food, and CARRY IT OUT WITH ME!”
Employee: “…”
(My husband stares at me in disbelief. I try to whisper to him to tell the employee that it’s take-out, pick-up, or some other variant, but he can’t make out what I’m saying. Finally…)
Employee: “OH! You want to do take-out!”
(Predictably, the rest of the phone call doesn’t go much better.)
Husband: “Okay, so, for the first pizza, it’s your two-topping deal. I’m wondering if I can do double pepperoni for that.”
Employee: “And what do you want for your second topping?”
Husband: “No, listen. I’m asking you if I can do pepperoni for both toppings. So, put extra pepperoni. Lots of it. We want tons of pepperoni on the pizza.”
Employee: “But you get two toppings—”
Husband: *rolling his eyes* “You know what? Fine. Pepperoni and mushroom.”
(Unfortunately, there wasn’t another nearby pizza place we could switch to, so my husband went ahead and completed the order, but we haven’t gone back to that place since. Having worked in pizza myself, I’m not sure what was so difficult for this employee to grasp!)
Cashier: “Is that going to be a debit or credit?”
Guest: “I don’t know; it’s the card for your store!”
Cashier: “We offer both a debit and credit card. Is it attached to a checking account at a bank, or do you have a line of credit with the store?”
Guest: “Well, how am I supposed to know that?”
Cashier: “It’s your card. Does it come from a bank account, or are you paying it off at the store?”
Guest: *looks at her husband* “Why are people so stupid these days? I guess it’s a credit.”
Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 72
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 71
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 70
(I’m a patient, wrapping up a session with my therapist. The appointment cards have crisis numbers on the back in case you need help between appointments.)
Therapist: “Here’s your appointment card, and as usual, our crisis stuff is on the back.”
Me: “…”
Therapist: “Er… Well, even if you don’t need it, it’s good to have in your workplace just in case someone needs help in a crisis.”
Me: “Oh, ‘CRISIS’! I thought you said ‘crazy stuff’!”
Therapist: “Oh, my God, no!”
Me: “Yeah, I was like, ‘Well, that’s a little insensitive.'”
Therapist: “Oh, my goodness, nooooo.”
Cashier: “Hello, ma’am. How may I help you?”
Customer: “I need a refund for this game!”
Cashier: “Was it defective?”
Customer: “It released evil spirits into my house!”
Cashier: “I’m sorry, ma’am. Unless it was defective, it cannot be returned once opened.”
Customer: “MY HOUSE IS CURSED BECAUSE OF YOU!”
(I see the title of the game at this point, Wii Play Plus, and know exactly what she is talking about.)
Customer: “YOU WILL GIVE ME A REFUND OR I WILL SUE THIS STORE FOR EVERY F****** PENNY!”
Me: “Excuse me, ma’am. The ghost mini-game does not actually detect real ghosts.”
Customer: “What?”
Me: “The Wii takes advantage of the Wii MotionPlus to detect where it’s pointing even if it’s off the screen. There are no actual ghosts in your house.”
Customer: “Well, I never! Who thought that was a good idea? People could get confused easily!” *flounces out, game in hand*
(The cashier wordlessly handed me a 75%-off coupon.)
