(My boyfriend and I are curled up on the couch drinking and watching a movie. He burps a lot when he’s drunk.)
Me: “I love you!”
(All of a sudden, my boyfriend starts burping a ton.)
Me: “What was that?”
Boyfriend: “I just said, ‘I love you,’ in Morse code.”
Me: “You folded and put away my laundry? Who are you and what have you done with my real girlfriend!?”
Girlfriend: *starts to cough because she has the flu on top of hay-fever*
Me: “No wonder you’re sick! You’re not my real girlfriend at all! YOU’RE A DECOMPOSING POD PERSON!”
Girlfriend: “So… Want to have sex with a decomposing pod person?”
(My classmate has a new boyfriend whom she already adores. For the purposes of this story, I feel that it’s important to mention that she is a white girl, and this is her first interracial relationship.)
Classmate: “He is such an amazing guy! I can actually see a future with him! I swear, I am going to marry this guy and be the mother of his children!”
Me: “Wow, that’s really neat, and I’m happy for you!”
Classmate: “Yep! You’re looking at the future Mrs. [Ethnic Last Name], here! Oh, but our kids are going to have normal names.”
Me: *mildly shocked* “Wait, what do you mean by ‘normal’ names?”
Classmate: “You know, just normal, traditional names, like John, Sarah, David, Amanda, etc. We’re not giving them [Ethnicity] names.”
(I just couldn’t continue this conversation with her. But I have developed a tremendous amount of respect for her boyfriend, who is still with her to this day, and has shown an equally tremendous amount of patience for her.)
(I’ve recently graduated and have returned to my old pool job to pay off some student debt. A lot of my coworkers are younger, and they sometimes like to gossip about office romance. I stay out of it, but this one time I have to step in. Note, both [Coworker #1] and I are female, while [Coworker #2] is male. At the time this takes place, no one is in the pool, so we are doing some cleaning jobs.)
Coworker #1: “I can’t believe [Coworker #3] already has a new girlfriend. He and [Coworker #4] only broke up last week. It seems to soon.”
Coworker #2: “Did you know that he was seeing [Coworker #5] on the side up until he met this new girl?”
Coworker #1: “What?”
Coworker #2: “Yeah, he does that a lot. It wouldn’t surprise me if he has someone new in week or two.”
Coworker #1: “How does he get all these girls? He treats them like crap.”
Coworker #2: “Hey, it’s not his fault. The girls make it too easy for him.”
(At this, both [Coworker #1] and I stop and look at him.)
Coworker #1: “What did you say?”
Coworker #2: “Well, it’s beyond his control. The girls are making it too easy for him to get dates and he can’t help himself. It’s not his fault really.”
Coworker #1: “Do you even realize what you’re saying?”
Coworker #2: “What? I’m just stating the facts—”
Me: *interrupting* “I’m sorry; are you really saying it’s the girls’ fault that he’s an a**hole?”
Coworker #2: “What?”
Me: “You’re saying that it’s the girls’ fault that [Coworker #3] treats them like crap.”
Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I was just saying that they are making it too easy for him.”
Me: “So, he’s exempt from blame and allowed to treat girls like trash because they give him a chance?”
Coworker #2: “Oh, no, I didn’t mean it like that.”
Me: “What did you mean, then? Especially when you said, ‘He can’t control himself; he can’t be at fault, really.’? Or even when you said, ‘The girls make it too easy for him.’?”
Coworker #2: “I just meant… I… uh…”
Coworker #1: “Dude, she’s got you there.”
([Coworker #2] got a good lesson on double standards that day.)
(I get invited to go camping with a good female friend of mine, her boyfriend, and a few other friends. I agree, thinking it’ll be fun, but things eventually change. My female friend breaks up with her boyfriend, who she planned the trip with, and starts dating another guy in our friend group. Soon, others drop out of the camping trip so it’s just my female friend, her current boyfriend, her ex-boyfriend, and me. I can see that this could potentially be awkward, but the campsite is already reserved and my female friend begs me to go. Once she assures me that everything between her and her ex-boyfriend is fine, I decide to still go. Early on in the trip, it becomes evident that everything is not okay with her ex-boyfriend. To make matters worse, the female friend and her current boyfriend decide that the best way to soften the blow for him is to try and set him up with me, since I am single. Finally, after two nights of this awkwardness, I decide to talk to the ex-boyfriend. Since we are friends, I want to let him know that I didn’t want this setting up. I also want to see if he is all right.)
Me: “Hey, [Ex-Boyfriend], I feel really bad that [Female Friend] keeps on trying to push you onto me. Just to let you know, I did not ask her to do that. This is completely random and I just want to make sure you are okay.”
Ex-Boyfriend: “Oh, it’s hard. It’s just so soon after we broke up. How can she move on so soon?”
Me: “I’m sorry, bud. It is messed up that’s for sure. Look: I’ve told them to stop. I think they know they crossed a line and won’t do it anymore.”
Ex-Boyfriend: “Thanks, [My Name]. I mean, you’re great and all, but I couldn’t spend every day with you.”
Me: “What?”
Ex-Boyfriend: “Well, to be in a relationship, you have to spend every day with someone. There’s no way I could do that with you.”
(He then went on to explain that I was probably single because others felt this way. He said this as if it was completely normal, while I started to cry and count the days until the trip was over. Fast forward the years, and I am no longer friends with any of these people. The “friend” who said those words to me never understood why I never spoke to him again. I get that he wasn’t having the best time on the trip, but he didn’t need to kick me while he was down.)
