(I work at a store that has its own coupons in both printed and digital formats. Like nearly every other place that does coupons, it says right in the fine print that the coupon “must be surrendered at time of transaction.” While this is trickier for the digital coupons, since we can’t just take away someone’s cell phone, it’s a very simple task for the paper coupons. My personal habit is to take a pen and draw a big X over the barcode if the customer hasn’t already torn out the coupon from our mailers. I find this to be faster and more effective when we have big lines. I’ve been doing it this way for a couple of years and never had an issue, until this one lady comes through my register with her mailer. I tell the lady her total and pull my pen from my apron, reach for her mailer, and draw an X on one of three coupons she used. She immediately snatches her mailer and holds it to her chest.)

Customer: “You’re not supposed to be doing that!”

Me: *blinks for a moment in surprise* “Uh, it’s supposed to be surrendered at the time of purchase. I just find crossing off the barcode easier and more efficient than tearing them out.”

Customer: “You’re the only one who ever does this! You’re not supposed to be doing that! I come in here all the time, and no one else ever does that!”

(I try to explain in different ways that, at the very least, I need to mark the coupon as used, including pointing out that it’s company policy and my coworkers should be doing it, as well. Yet we just go in circles as she keeps insisting that I’m not supposed to do that, and I’m the only one who EVER does that. Finally, I spot my store manager walking up to another register to help with the queue.)

Me: “Would you like to speak with my manager about this? He’s right over there.”

Customer: “No, I don’t want to speak with a manager. You’re just not supposed to do this!”

(Fed up, I bluntly call her out in a deadpan tone.)

Me: “You just don’t want to talk to him because you’re afraid you’ll lose your coupons.”

Customer: “You can’t take them away from me! You’re not allowed! No one else ever tries to do this but you!”

Me: “Well, then, thank you for informing us about this severe lack of discipline in our store.”

(She took her purchase and left in a huff, still clutching the mailer to her chest like it was her newborn baby. And yes, I did tell my store manager as soon as the line was gone.)

(I am a customer at a large department store. When paying for my purchases, I realise that my total is a lot higher than I expected, but I pay anyway so I don’t hold up the line behind me. I walk up to the customer service counter after I locate the issue.)

Me: “Hello, I got this item off the $1 clearance shelf, but it rang for [price a lot higher than $1]. I guess someone accidentally left it there. I’d like to return it.”

Employee: “Oh, that’s unfortunate. I’ll issue a return and have the item put back to where it belongs.”

(A random customer hears everything we said.)

Customer: *loudly* “They did this on purpose. They put it there so you pay more and hope you don’t notice.”

Me: “I’m sure it was a customer that left it there while shopping.” 

Customer: *now yelling* “NO. They did this. They are stealing your money!”

Employee: “Sir, we would never falsely advertise the price of an item.” 

Customer: *yelling at me* “YES, THEY WOULD! DON’T LISTEN TO HER! SHE IS A LIAR AND THEY ARE ALL CRIMINALS!” 

(I am very startled and don’t even understand why he is yelling. He steps between me and the customer service desk and continues yelling at me.)

Employee: “Sir, I will have to call security if you continue to do this.”

(He did not stop. Security escorted him off the store. I got my refund and a bunch of great coupons from the store to make up for my experience, even though it was in no way their fault that the guy was insane. I still have no idea why he got so mad.)

(I am standing by and monitoring the self-checkout stations when the following occurs.)

Patron: “Excuse me, miss?”

Me: “Yes?”

(She holds up one of our books.)

Patron: “Where do you keep the real copies?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Patron: “The real copies.”

Me: “Uh, I can assure you that all our books are real.”

Patron: “No, everything you have on the shelves is fake. I want to know where the real books are.”

Me: “I don’t know what to tell you, ma’am; all our books are indeed real.”

Patron: “No… no, they are not. Thank you, anyway.”

(She then put her book down and just calmly walked out of the building.)

(I am working at a pizza place. One night three teenagers come in, very obviously high. I take their order and give them their number. They sit down and I start folding silverware. After about two minutes, the cook motions behind me. One of the kids is standing behind the drink station. All I can see is the top half of his head over the station.)

Me: “Can I help you with anything?”

Customer: *mumbles incoherently*

Me: “I’m sorry?”

Customer: “Waiting.”

Me: “Your pizza will be out in a few minutes. Do you need a refill?”

Customer: *quiet for a moment, then points to the ovens* “Waiting.”

Me: “O… kay?”

(He stood there until the pizza came out and they ate the whole pizza in about five minutes.)

(I work at a grooming salon corporation and I try daily to get enough information about different products; that way I can offer help and solutions to customers who are having problems beyond their grooming experience. A customer comes in dragging her dog, an Afghan. She has a harness on her dog and an “animal stretcher,” which is basically a rag with two handles on the short ends, underneath the dog’s belly. The handles and the leash are in the same hand. I have just came out of the back.)

Me: “Hello! What can we do for you?”

Customer: “I’m here for [Coworker].”

(My coworker comes up and begins talking to the woman about the haircut she wants for her dog.)

Customer: “I don’t want him bathed, and I don’t want that stupid slip lead leash around his neck. It’ll snap his neck. And I don’t want him on the table. He pulls so much; you really need to be careful with him.”

Me: “If he pulls a lot, I can suggest a Halty. It just goes around his nose and behind his ears and the leash attaches to this part.”

Customer: “Oh, no, no! He would snap his neck! He would break his neck! He’d slip out of that and get hit by a car! He is too smart for that!”

Me: “Oh, it’s specifically designed to keep dogs from slipping out, and it would be very hard for him to break his neck if used properly.”

Customer: “Oh, no! He is so stupid. I mean they are the smartest dogs in the world but they are so stupid!”

Me: “Uh…”

Customer: “He would rather starve than eat anything that he doesn’t like! I only feed him [Fast Food Place known for roast beef sandwiches] and steak! He would rather starve! He is so stupid. I mean, they are so stupid, they can’t even have sex by themselves! That’s why they have breeders!”

Me: *looking at my coworkers* “I’m sorry. I have to leave this planet.”