We owned a small but popular fine-dining restaurant. Our phone number had the same first four digits as the local branch of a big bank. Apparently, their transfer system was to dial a three-digit extension number from an in-house phone only. But employees wanting the loan department would dial the first four shared digits and the three-digit extension number, which, of course, was our phone number.

Me: “Thank you for calling [Restaurant]. How may I help you?”

Bank Employee #1: “Loan department, please.”

Me: “This is [Restaurant]. You need to check your phone procedures.”

After two or three calls a day, I figured out what was happening and calmly relayed what they were doing wrong, but the calls kept coming. I called customer assistance at the bank and crawled up the chain of command trying to find a solution.

The employee I spoke to clearly didn’t care about my problem.

Bank Employee #2: “You’ll have to change your phone number, I guess.”

Me: “No. This is your problem to fix. The next time I get a call, I will politely ask your employee to hold, and it might be a few minutes until someone is available. I have four lines, so you may have lots of people wasting their time and your money on hold because you’re too lazy to send out a memo.”

The calls miraculously stopped.

A winter storm has just come through. However, corporate refuses to let us close, as it’s not “severe enough.” Only a few of us are working: two part-time tellers, the branch manager, and me (a banker). It’s completely dead. The manager is in her office. The tellers and I are sitting around talking. [Coworker #2] is a great cook and often brings food in for the branch.

Coworker #1: “Anyone have a pack of cards?”

Me: “We used to, but I don’t know if they’re still here. You can look if you want.”

He gets up and starts digging through drawers.

Coworker #2: “We need snacks. I knew I should’ve brought the rest of the guacamole in.”

Me: “Made another batch?”

Coworker #2: “Yep, and I’ve got a ton left over.”

[Coworker #1] drops everything and turns around.

Coworker #1: “You made guac and you didn’t share?!”

Coworker #2: “And pico de gallo! I was on a roll yesterday.”

Coworker #1: “Stop. Now I’m hungry.”

Coworker #2: “I can run home and grab it. Looks like the salt trucks went through. [My Name], is that okay?”

Me: “Go for it. We’ll cover for you.”

She comes back with a giant container of guacamole, another container of pico de gallo, and a huge bag of tortilla chips. About ten minutes later, the branch manager emerges. We stop eating and try to shove our plates out of sight, as corporate has told the managers to not let people eat at their workstations.

Manager: “Hey! Where did the food come from?!”

Coworker #2: “I made guac and pico!”

Manager: “I was gonna offer to order a pizza, but that’s way better. Did you bring extra?”

We snacked for the rest of the day.

Caller: “I need to see my online statement.”

Me: “Of course, sir. Do you need instructions on how to find it on the website or app?”

Caller: “I just need to see it online.”

He sounds a little older, so I assume it’s the website.

Me: “Of course, just go to the site www-dot-[Bank]-dot-com.”

Caller: “Dot com? Is this a computer thing?”

Me: “Well, yes. You would need a computer to see an online statement.”

Caller: “Can’t you just mail it to me?”

Me: “We already do that every month, sir, but then that would be a physical statement. Online means you see it on our website.”

Caller: “But I was told online was quicker. I can see what I spend every day.”

Me: “Yes, you can, but you need to go on a computer.”

Caller: “I want you to send me an online statement, but in the mail, so I can see my daily spending.”

Me: “I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

Caller: “Why not?”

Me: “Because we’re [Bank], not Gringotts.”

Customer: “I’d like a mortgage.”

Me: “Okay, I can help set up an appointment for—”

Customer: “I want a nice four-bedroom in [Nice Neighbourhood], and I’d like the payments set at $150 a month.”

Me: “Uh… Well, you’d need to talk to the realtor about the house, but I doubt you’ll find a four-bedroom for that, even with a large deposit.”

Customer: “What’s a deposit?”

Me: *Quietly* “Hoo boy.”

Customer: “What was that?”

Me: “Let me set up that appointment for you, sir!”

Related:
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 109
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 108
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 107
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 106
This Is Why We’re In A Recession, Part 105

One of our local banks had a teller in some of [Chain] grocery stores locally. They also accepted electric bill payments. This was very convenient for several years… until this letter arrived in the mail:

Bank: “Dear Customer, in order to better serve you, we will no longer have a teller in [Grocery Store].”

Yes, thank you, I will definitely be better served by your removing this convenience!