This takes place on July fourth, a holiday in my country where almost everyone takes the day off. They generally don’t go shopping at all unless it’s, like, last-minute groceries or something.

I work at an office supply store. I think we made about seven dollars today. It’s hilariously pointless to be open.

A customer comes up to my register with four containers.

Customer: “Can you price check these? I want the two cheapest ones.”

Sounds good. I check the prices individually and go over them with her so she can pick the cheapest ones.

We proceed with the transaction, I state the total, she hands me cash, and I get her change, tell her the amount she’s getting back, and thank her and such. Then, I turn my attention to some other front-end tasks, assuming the transaction is over.

When I eventually look back to the register, I notice that the customer is studying her change and receipt like it’s a final exam, looking visibly upset.

Customer: “You rang up the wrong ones! I said I wanted the expensive ones!”

Me: “But just a second ago you said you wanted the cheaper ones.”

Customer: “No! I want one of the cheaper ones and one of the expensive ones!”

So, right off the bat, this lady is all over the place. That’s officially three different combinations of containers.

Me: *Politely* “I’m happy to fix this, but it’s going to be a fairly involved process.”

First, the system takes a few minutes to register receipts, so we have to wait a little while to start a return. Then, since it’s a cash refund, store policy states that a manager needs to be physically present, and all three of us need to sign a piece of paper. Once all of that is done, I can ring up the items she wants. Admittedly, it’s a lot, but them’s the breaks.

Customer: “Fine!”

Her tone indicates that she’s clearly not fine with it. I’m mentally barfing but keeping my best customer service persona on because it’s not worth any trouble.

An awkward five minutes later, I’m able to pull up her receipt in the system and the manager comes over.

Me: “This customer changed her mind and I need to do a cash refund.”

Customer: “I didn’t change my mind! I wanted one of the cheaper ones and one of the expensive ones!”

Manager: “Okay, we’ll take care of that for you.”

We all sign for the refund, I process it, and the manager wanders off. I then proceed to carefully clarify which ones she wants and ring her up for it. Her change is a few cents.

I’m thinking this is all over, but she looks at the change and glares at me.

Customer: *Angrily* “This penny is too ugly! I want a new one!”

Internally, I rue my own birth.

Me: “I can give you a new penny, but I need a manager override to open the till if there’s no sale.”

She makes some weird chicken-like squawk as if I just told her I killed her only child. She flails her arms and screams:

Customer: “OH, DO I HAVE TO SIGN FOR THAT, TOO?!”

Me: “No, I just need the manager.”

Customer: “Fine!”

She stands there and I kind of fiddle with some stuff on the desk while we wait for the manager again, who had to go put out another metaphorical fire somewhere else in the store.

Part of me considers politely explaining to her that the value of a penny isn’t based on its appearance and that she is honestly wasting her own time, but I figure she’ll just yell. Eventually, the manager comes back up.

Me: “This customer wants a nicer-looking penny.”

The manager stares blankly for a second.

Manager: “Oh. Um, sure. Let me get that for you.”

We gave her the new penny, she left, and we proceeded to brutally mock her for a few minutes after we were sure she was out of earshot.

I am working at a candy store when a mother and child come up to my register. Suddenly, the kid waves to get my attention.

Kid: “Guess what!”

Me: *Playing along* “What?”

Kid: *In the happiest, loudest voice possible* “Mommy has a front butt, and I don’t ‘cause I have something else, but that’s okay, ‘cause Mommy says I can have a front butt, too, when I grow up!”

The next customer and I barely managed to keep straight faces until the mom had hustled her kid out of the store.

I used to work at a hardware store, and for a while, I was not only the youngest but also the only female. Part of the sexism was that I was told to stay at the register and wasn’t allowed to go out on the floor. You can only imagine how fun that is.

Part of the whole spiel I had to say to customers when they came to check out was to ask if they were part of our rewards program. One day, two coworkers and I were up front at the registers — one next to me and the other a little down the wall — when an old guy came up to check out.

Me: “Did you find everything you were looking for today?”

Customer: “I did.”

Me: “And are you a member of our rewards program?”

Customer: “No, I’m not.”

Me: “Would you like to join?”

Customer: “Well, what’s the reward?”

And before I could answer, he cut in:

Customer: “I’ll only join if I get a kiss from you as the reward!”

I was so disgusted. This old guy was at least the same age as my grandfather, and he was hitting on me. I turned to my coworker right next to me for help, and all he did was start laughing along with the customer and joking about how red my face was getting. That was only one instance of what I dealt with there.

Our store has electronic PIN pads for taking cards and signatures. Recently, the PIN pad at the main register has been messing up on the signature screen. I suspect someone jabbed it very hard and now there’s a “dead” spot. At first, it throws people off and they constantly question what was going on. My coworker has started saying the following with success.

Coworker: “If I could just get your signature on the PIN pad. It stops writing in the middle but if you’ll just keep going, it’ll be fine.”

The customers listen, nod, and don’t mind the finicky PIN pad. They go on their way. I hear this and try it since it’s working for her.

Me: “It’s going to ask for your signature on the PIN pad. It stops writing in the middle, but just keep writing, and it’ll be okay.”

The customer doesn’t look up or acknowledge what I said. Instead, they repeatedly try to write on the “dead” section of the line, pushing harder and harder or even jabbing at it.

Customer: “Why is this not writing? Why is it doing that?”

Me: *Deadpan* “It’s broken because someone jabbed the pen on the pad too hard.”

They stop, look at me and then at the machine, and finally push “accept”. 

Customer: *Sheepishly* “Oh, yeah, that would make sense. Sorry.”

I turn to my coworker.

Me: “Why does it work when you say it but not when I say it?!”

She just shrugged and laughed. Sometimes I wonder if I’m really speaking English.

This is during the height of the global health crisis. I work as a cashier and my store requires masks; we offer them at the door and cashiers are allowed to refuse service to anyone not wearing a mask.

I am stuck on self-checkout for the day, cleaning the machines and helping out anyone that needs to pay with cash. A group of three customers walks up to one of the machines and begins buying these little containers of sushi we carry, all unmasked.

Me: “Do you have masks?”

They respond with something like, “No, the constitution, my rights, blah, blah, blah,” so at this point I know they don’t want to cooperate.

Our self-scan has an assist mode used by any cashiers or managers to quickly fix a majority of the problems we encounter, but it also works as a pause button for customers and they have no control over it in assist mode.

I pop the machine into assist mode. The “leader” of the group is still trying to use the machine and I’m just holding back my smile; I have all the power in the situation.

Me: “I can’t help you if you refuse to follow company policy.”

The three of them were very visibly angry at this point, but they knew they had lost. One of them tossed the sushi on the machine and they just all strolled out without any of their stuff.