A lady is using the self-checkout, and after she has bagged everything and paid, she makes sure to tell the self-checkout employee, the service desk employees, and some cashiers:

Customer: *Nice and loud* “Look how I did your jobs for you!”

The employees just ignore this; they have plenty to keep them occupied. For some reason, this makes the customer mad.

Customer: *Even louder* “I did your jobs for you! Just letting you know!”

We just look at her and then continue doing our jobs. After not getting a reaction from the employees, she stands near the exit and starts shouting as loud as she can while pointing at her cart:

Customer: “I did your jobs for you!”

She is now loud enough to bother other customers, so my manager gets involved.

Manager: “Excuse me, ma’am. Are you all right?”

Customer: “Why isn’t it bothering you that you’re making your customers do your jobs for you?”

Manager: “Because you’re not, ma’am. We all have lots to do, even with the assistance of self-checkout.”

Customer: “I want you to acknowledge that I effectively did work for you for free! It’s shameful!”

Manager: “Okay, well, by my estimation, based on the time stamp on your receipt, you were at the self-checkout for eight minutes.”

My manager gets a calculator out on his phone.

Manager: “So… eight minutes at minimum wage comes to a total of… 98 cents. Here, I’m giving you a raise; take a dollar.”

He takes a dollar from his wallet and hands it out to her.

Manager: “A dollar for your hard work. That’s what other cashier operators are getting without kicking up a fuss.”

She just stared at my manager before gasping in annoyance and storming out.

I’m managing the self-checkout section. A grumpy-looking older gentleman gets all up in my face. He’s carrying a single loaf of bread.

Customer: “I’m in a hurry, and all your cashiers’ lines are too long!”

He says nothing more and just looks at me expectantly.

Me: “Well, we have no line on the self-checkouts, sir. I can help you if—”

He cuts me off and immediately scans a loaf of bread. He then thrusts a $5 bill at me.

Customer: “Take this and give me my change.”

Me: “Unfortunately, this self-checkout doesn’t—”

He cuts me off again and tosses the bread at me.

Customer: “Then I don’t want it.”

Me: “Sir, if you’d let me finish, this particular self-checkout doesn’t take cash, as indicated by all the signs. The one at the end here does take cash, so I could—”

Customer: “This is taking too long. I’m in a hurry!”

Me: “Sir, the lines at the regular checkout are being cleared in five minutes. If you let me help you, I can get you checked out in less time than that. If you truly cannot spare that long, maybe right now is not a good time to come and buy bread.”

Customer: “Are you telling me to go away?!”

Me: “No, sir, I am telling you to ‘hurry along’.”

He stormed out without his bread. I hope he learned patience!

I’m scanning a customer’s items, and one of the items is a medicinal-looking cream.

Customer: “That cream is on sale, so that’s good.”

Me: “I’m glad you found it at a good price.”

Customer: “It’s for my man-parts.”

Me: *Scans faster*

Customer: “It’s because that b**** gave me a rash.”

Me: *Scans faster still*

Customer: “Why do b****es always gotta be b****es? I ain’t ever been with a b**** who wasn’t a b****!”

Me: *Scans furiously*

Customer: “Seriously, I got so many rashes down there. Why are women all b****es?”

Me: “Sir, if you wish to continue this conversation, I’m going to have to ask you to lie on a couch and start paying me a hundred bucks an hour!”

Minimum wage was not worth that trauma! Thankfully, he paid and got out there without venting any more of his issues, either medical or mental!

Related:
TMI Am Out Of Here!

Customer: “I see you’ve expanded your self-checkout area… again. At the expense of your human-operated checkout lanes… again.”

Me: “Well, not me personally, but yes, the store did add more self-checkouts as there seems to be a higher demand for them.”

Customer: “It’s so sad that this is where our country is heading. People don’t want to talk to each other anymore. Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

I scan her bread and pass it to the bagger. The customer immediately goes through a personality change.

Customer: “Don’t you dare put that in the bag first! It’ll get crushed, you moron!”

Bagger: “I was just putting it aside, ma’am. I wasn’t going to bag it—”

Customer: “I don’t believe you. You’re just saying that now because I spoke up. You’re lucky I am here using the original checkout lanes and keeping you boys employed! If I used the self-checkouts, I’d be doing your job for you! Next time, I think I will — and I’ll demand an employee discount from the manager for doing your jobs for you!”

The next customer in line has had enough.

Next Customer: “Whatever happened to friendly human interaction?”

Customer: “They’re being incompetent!”

Next Customer: “They’re being lovely human beings. You’re being a monster. Just hurry up and let them finish so we can all get moving.”

Customer: *To me* “See what I mean? This country is getting worse. No one wants to have social interactions anymore!”

Next Customer: “If these last few minutes are an indication of what you’re like, then it’s no wonder you only have checkout operators to talk to.”

Customer: “Shut up!”

Next Customer: “I’m sorry you’re lonely, but it’s your problem, not the baggers’.”

Customer: *To me* “Make her shut up!”

Me: “Uh… how about we all just stop talking until it’s time to pay?”

Mercifully, everyone took my advice!

Related:
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 7
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 6
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 5
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 4
Self-Check Yourself Before You Self-Wreck Yourself, Part 3

I’m at the customer service desk, and a customer storms up and slams a receipt down on the counter.

Customer: “You crooks stole from me! You charged me twice on almost all of my items!”

Me: “I’m so sorry to hear that, ma’am. Is that the receipt?”

Customer: “D*** right, it is! It’s a good thing I checked it when I got home! I knew something was wrong when the total came to almost double what it normally is! That was four days ago, and I’ve had to walk around for that long out of pocket because of you!”

Me: “And this is definitely the receipt that was printed for the transaction with the issue?”

Customer: “Yes! Does it tell you who checked me out? I want them written up! You should not be having people that incompetent working the checkouts!”

Me: “It’s just… this receipt… it’s from the self-checkouts.”

The customer opens her mouth to protest, but then immediately shuts it again as I can only assume she racks her brain for the specific memory of the checkout experience in the hopes that she can prove the receipt wrong.

Apparently, she cannot, as she snatches the receipt from my hand and double-checks it.

Customer: “Well, there’s something wrong with your machine, then!”

Me: “Of course, ma’am, let me get that sorted out for you.”

Normally, we would do some due diligence to make sure she wasn’t trying to refund items she had actually taken, but she seems too embarrassed for me to be cruel enough to keep her around any longer.

I process the refund (about $30) for her, and she snatches her copy of the refund receipt from my hand.

Customer: “Get your machines fixed! It’s still your fault!”

Me: “Yes, ma’am. We’ll get on that.”