(A customer is looking at a laptop. I approach to help.)

Me: “That’s a really great computer.”

Customer: “I don’t need a computer. I need wireless Internet.”

Me: “All right, how much range do you need cover?”

Customer: *dead serious* “From here to Santa Monica.”

(Note: This is about a distance of ten miles.)

Me: “All right, let’s start over. This time I’ll be the one from the future.”

(A teen girl walks through security and collects her belongings.)

Teen: “Excuse me, sir, what did you do with my purse?”

Worker: “I’m sure it came through, ma’am, just look around for it.”

Teen: *in a condescending tone* “Sir, I would appreciate it if you would find my purse that went through YOUR machine that YOU lost. That’s your job you know, now reach up in the machine and feel around for it.”

Worker #2: “Umm, your purse is on your arm.”

Teen: “Oh…” *walks away*

This story is part of the Totally Unobservant Customers roundup!

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Woman #1: “This is not my ice cream. I ordered the butter pecan! It’s simple; just scoop ice cream!”

Woman #2: “This is not my ice cream, either! I ordered the maple walnut! How d*** complicated is it to give people the right ice cream?”

(Glancing at both of their ice creams, I realize that the problem was their fault because they just took each other’s ice cream.)

Me: “Yeah, complicated…”

(I walked out back and watched them on the security camera until they realized they were the idiots and left.)

This story is part of the Problems That Resolve Themselves roundup!

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Me: “How can I help you today, sir?”

Customer: “Yeah I’d like a pound of cajun chicken.”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t carry cajun chicken, would you like some buffalo chicken in substitute?”

Customer: “Which cajun chicken do you have?”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but we don’t serve cajun chicken.”

(My night manager is standing next to me. This guy goes on three more times, calm as can be, demanding cajun chicken.)

Manager: “Sir… we don’t… would you like the Santa Fe chicken?”

Customer: “I’d like the cajun chicken; where is your cajun chicken?”

Me: *facepalm*

Manager: *slices Santa Fe chicken and wishes him a nice day*

(It is around Christmas. To provide some context, we have a display for Guitar Hero 3 set up which, among other things, has a playable guitar, a big huge sign that says GUITAR HERO 3, and a display “case” that has the guitar from the game and the game set up to look real pretty.)

Customer: “Hi, I’m not sure what my son wanted, it was something 3… Hylo…”

Me: “Halo 3?”

Customer: “Yeah, that’s it! Do you have that?”

Me: “Sure, it’s just in the back. Let me go grab a copy.”

(After I go in the back and grab a copy…)

Customer: “Wait a minute, where’s the guitar? I want the one with the guitar.”

Me: “Uh… oh, you must’ve been looking for Guitar Hero 3! I don’t have the one bundled with the guitar right now, but if you already have the guitar you can buy just the game.”

Customer: “No, you do. It’s over here!”

Me: “Oh, really? Where’d you see it?”

(This is Christmas season; things can magically appear from nowhere at a moment’s notice, so I’m not surprised she said that. I follow the customer over, and she points to that clear display I mentioned earlier.)

Customer: “See? You DO have the guitar.”

Me: “No ma’am, that’s just our display just to show you what comes with the box when we have it.”

Customer: “But… I see the game, right here! It’s right here!”

Me: “No, ma’am, that’s just empty. It’s just all there to look nice.”

Customer, flustered: “What’s the difference between Halo 3 and Guitar Hero 3, exactly?”

Me, stammering: “Uh… in Halo 3, you shoot aliens, and in Guitar Hero 3, you play rock music.”

Customer: “Oh, he’d want Halo 3, then.”

Me: “Okay, let me go and get that copy for you I left in the back.”

(After grabbing it…)

Customer: “Where’s the guitar?”

(At this point, to spare the readers, I went through the ENTIRE conversation again.)

Customer: “But someone on the phone told us you had the Halo 3 Special Edition.”

Me: “Yes, we do. That’s this in my ha–”

Customer: “So, why aren’t you selling it to me? I want it with the guitar.”

Me: *stifling laughter* “Ma’am, look, I can’t really say it any clearer. We have Halo 3. Halo 3 is not played with a guitar. We do NOT have Guitar Hero 3. Guitar Hero 3 is played with a guitar.”

Customer: “Oh, for god’s sake. We drive all the way here and you people don’t even know what the f*** you’re talking about. I’m going to [Competitor].”

Me: “You do that, ma’am. Have a nice day!”

This story is part of the Christmas Eve roundup!

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