(I live in Germany. We have a loyal customer base who always come to us when their American-made motorcycles have any kind of trouble. Some of them think we are omnipotent and can solve any problem over the phone.)

Customer: “My bike is making some strange noise.”

Me: “What kind of noise?”

(Usually I would expect a description of the sound and the general area it comes from on the bike. Instead, I hear the bike start up and the customer revving the engine several times while holding the phone close to it.)

Customer: “Now you heard it. What do you think is wrong?”

(I had to patiently explain that I need to have the bike in the shop to check it out instead of giving him a diagnosis over the phone.)

Customer: “Do you guys buy instruments?”

Me: “Yes, what do you have?”

Customer: “A trumpet; it’s out in the car.”

Me: “Okay, bring it in and we’ll see what we can do.”

(The customer leaves and comes back in with a band instrument case.)

Me: “Let’s have a look.”

(I open the case and pause for a moment.)

Me: “Hey, can you come take a look at this saxophone?”

(Just as Girl Scouts sell cookies, Boy Scouts sell popcorn. We sell many different kinds, including caramel and chocolate. One day, we are selling chocolate popcorn to the people entering and exiting a popular supermarket. Our Scoutmaster is away checking on another popcorn stand.)

Me: “Hello, sir! Would you like to help support—”

Man: “Yeah, yeah, yeah, just give me two packages of the mint ones.”

(We don’t sell mint popcorn, so I am confused.)

Me: “But we don’t—”

Man: “Hey! I just want my cookies! Bring me my cookies and stop ignoring me! Do you want to lose my business?”

(Luckily, there is another Boy Scout at our stand.)

Fellow Boy Scout: “Look, he was trying to say—”

Man: “JUST GIVE ME MY COOKIES! IS THAT SO HARD? HUH?”

(My Scoutmaster arrives.)

Scoutmaster: “Is there a problem here?”

Man: “YES! THESE F****** GIRL SCOUTS WON’T GIVE ME ANY F****** COOKIES!”

Scoutmaster: “They aren’t Girl Scouts. They are Boy Scouts. And we’re selling popcorn, not cookies.”

Man: *turns to me* “And why exactly didn’t you tell me this? Are you trying to lose business? Maybe I would have bought the popcorn, instead, if I wanted it! Ever thought about that?”

Fellow Boy Scout: “He’s been trying to tell you that! You’re just interrupting him!”

Me: “Yeah!”

Man: “You’re making me confused! I demand two packages of each popcorn for free!”

Me: “No! You insulted us and now you want free popcorn? I don’t think so!”

Man: “FINE! I’ll leave! Idiots! You’re all idiots!”

(None of us ever saw him again.)

Related:
Popcorn Forlorn

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(It is around four am and the phone rings. I pick it up.)

Me: “This is [Hotel]. May I help you?”

Man: *self-important tone* “Yes. I need a room, now.”

Me: “Sorry, but we have no more rooms here, now.”

Man: “Oh.” *expectant pause*

Me: “…”

Man: “…”

Me: “…”

Man: “Hellooooo?!”

Me: “Yes?”

Man: “Well?!”

Me: “Well, what?”

Man: “Aren’t you going to find me another room?! God almighty!”

Me: “I’m sorry, sir, but I only have access to our hotel’s data, so I can’t tell if any other hotel has space. You’ll have to call them yourself and ask.”

Man: “This is poor customer service! Any other hotel would be begging to find me another room at another hotel! I wouldn’t want to stay with you b****es, anyway!”

Me: “That’s good to hear, but if you curse at me, I’ll hang up.”

Man: “What did you say, you f****** b****?! Do you know who I am?!”

Me: *hangs up*

(It feels good to hang up on crazy people. I pity anyone who can’t!)

(I am helping a customer shop for pantyhose.)

Customer: “I don’t know what size I am.”

(I take a package and show her the size chart on the back.)

Me: “It’s based on your height and weight. How much do you weigh?”

Customer: “[Number] pounds.”

Me: “Okay, based on your weight, you should get [size].”

Customer: “But I’m not six feet tall.”

(The customer points to the height next to the weight. I point to where it says 4’11” next to 6′.)

Customer: “But I’m not 4’11”, either.”

Me: *inwardly face-palming* “It means it fits people between 4’11” and 6′. This is the size you need. This should fit you.”