(I’m talking to a customer about hamsters. We are standing in front of the hamster cages, going over basic care when a young girl — seven or eight at the oldest — comes up.)

Girl: “Excuse me.”

Me: “Yes?”

Girl: “Where are the real hamsters?”

Me: “Real hamsters?”

Girl: “Yeah, where are the real hamsters?”

Me: “They’re right here!” *smiles and gestures to cages in front of me with hamsters in them*

Girl: “That’s going to be my class pet!? I knew we should’ve gotten a fish!” *looks horrified, then runs away*

(I couldn’t tell if the customers I’d been helping were laughing at the girl, or my facial expression.)

(I work in the deli of a big grocery store. It is around eight pm; our department closes at nine and, since we are a slow store, we usually have two of our three slicers cleaned and non-operational by 7:30. Our deli also doubles as a sandwich shop. I am on the deli counter helping a regular who is ordering an abnormally large number of products; meanwhile, an older lady comes up to be served at the deli. After about a minute, the lady approaches me while I’m helping the gentleman in front of her. Keep in mind that my coworker is helping a line of about three people at the sandwich shop while this occurs.)

Customer: “Is there anybody else working here that can help me?”

Me: “Sorry, ma’am, but it’s just me and [Coworker] tonight; I will be with you as soon as I’m done helping this gentleman!”

(About five minutes pass and I finish helping the customer in front of her; it is now her turn in line.)

Me: “How are you today, ma’am? I apologize for your wait. What can I get for you?”

Customer: “Okay… Are you ready?”

Me: “Uh? Ready for what?”

Customer: “DON’T YOU EVER LET ME STAND HERE WAITING LIKE THAT EVER AGAIN! I’VE BEEN STANDING HERE TWENTY MINUTES WHILE YOUR COWORKER HAS HELPED TWO PEOPLE THAT CAME UP BEHIND ME!”

Me: “Ma’am, I apologize, but we are down to one slicer; even if [Coworker] came over to help you, still—” *customer interrupts loudly*

Customer: “I don’t f****** care! You should have done something about it, knowing that that man had such a large order!”

Me: “I actually didn’t know he had such a large order, ma’am. Since we don’t take numbers here I—”

(The customer interrupts me again and continues her tirade; she asks for a manager, so I have my coworker page him over. My coworker has finished with her line and walks over to me to see what is going on.)

Coworker: “Ma’am, what seems to be the problem today?”

Me: “I stood here for twenty f****** minutes while you helped those people who came up behind me! You should have come over here and helped me first!”

Coworker: “I understand, ma’am; however, even if I had came over here, I would’ve had to wait for [My Name] to finish with his customer to use the slicer. Your wait would’ve been just as long, and then the customers at the sandwich shop would’ve been left there with nobody helping.”

Customer: “I don’t care about them! You saw me standing here for twenty minutes!”

Me: “Ma’am, I don’t believe it was quite twenty minutes; the gentleman before you came up at 7:55 and it is now 8:04.”

Customer: “Oh! So, now you think you’re going to tell me how long I waited? Oh, perfect!” *right at this time the store manager walks up to address the super-patient lady*

Customer: *directed at manager* “Oh, my! My long-lost friend!”

Manager: “What seems to be the problem, ma’am?”

Customer: “I waited here for twenty minutes while [My Name] and [Coworker] did nothing about it! I fully expect you to take disciplinary action against those two lazy people! They both deserve to be fired!“

Manager: “Absolutely, ma’am. I’ll take care of it right now.”

Customer: “Good!”

(Our manager starts yelling at us in front of the customer. I am appalled because normally he would have us go to the office to talk about it. The customer gives me a smug look and walks away. Once she is out of sight my manager stopped yelling.)

Manager: “So, guys… what did that crazy b**** want this time?”

(Apparently this pleasant human being is a repeat offender.)

Me: “I’m not sure; she actually didn’t even order anything from the deli…”

(I work at an electronics store, selling household appliances. A customer walks in with his wife and son, interested in buying a washing machine. This happens after discussing the technical details.)

Customer: “Does this washing machine have one of those built-in chips that makes it break after the warranty has expired?”

Me: “I wouldn’t know about that, sir, but I highly doubt it.”

Customer: “Oh, really?”

(He gives me this smile, as if he just caught me in a lie.)

Me: “Well, if you are worried about that, you could buy the extended warranty.”

Customer: “Oh, no, that’s fine. I know how to remove that chip. Can you tell me what kind of metal the outside of the washing machine is made of?”

Me: “I don’t know, sir. If you would like, I can give you the phone number of the company that manufactured it.”

Customer: “No, thank you. I’ll just check myself.”

(At this point, the customer leans on top of the washing machine, arms hanging down on the sides. He starts tapping the side of washing machine and hums softly.)

Customer: “I can tell the material by how it resonates with my voice.”

(His wife and I stood there in awkward silence for a little while, as she gave me this “I’m so sorry” look.)

(I work at a cinema. For those who haven’t watched it, the Deadpool movie contains an extra at the end of the credits, stating that it is a “d**k move” to leave garbage lying around in the theatre. This occurs after the end of the credits:)

Me: *to people exiting the theatre* “Thank you! Come again!”

Man: *behind most of them* “Deadpool will get them because none of them f****** listened when he told them to not leave their garbage lying around!”

(I have never seen so many people go back into a theatre to pick up their trash off the seat.)

(I’m the cashier on duty. Since we’re running low on bags, I make sure to ask everyone who’s buying just one or two small things if they would like a bag; many people don’t. Two teenage guys come in together. The first one has an armload of snacks, and the second one has just a soda, and has his earbuds in. I ring up the first teenager without incident, but the second one causes a snag.)

Me: “And would you like a bag with this?”

Teenager #2: *stares at me, doesn’t remove his earbuds*

Me: *gesturing to the bags* “Would you like a bag? Or are you going to drink it right away?”

Teenager #2: *continues to stare*

Me: *gestures to remove his earbuds*

Teenager #2: *continues to stare*

Me: “Right.”

(Since pretty much no one asks for a bag with just a soda, I decide to err on the side of conservation.)

Me: “Your total is $1.06.”

Teenager #2: *sees the total on the register, pulls out his money, and hands it to me*

Me: *takes money, hands receipt* “Here you are. Have a wonderful day!”

Teenager #2: *looks at his soda on the counter, and finally takes out his earbuds* “So, like, can I get a bag for this or what?”

Teenager #1: *laughs*

Teenager #2: “What?”

Teenager #1: “Dude, that’s what she was trying to ask you!”

(I gave him his bag.)