(I work for a local non-profit that includes a thrift store that funds our work. We have a box truck that we use to pick up donations from people. We will pick almost anything with a few exceptions. The other day I answered the phone:)

Lady: “I would like to schedule a pickup time. I have a washing machine to donate.”

Me: “Great! Let me get some information from you. First, is the machine in working order?”

Lady: “No, but I figure that you could part it out or recycle it or something.”

Me: “I’m very sorry, but we cannot schedule our truck to pick up broken items. If you want us to have it you will have to find a neighbor or a friend to help you get it here.”

Lady: “No one will help me and I really wanted to give it to you guys.”

Me: “Ma’am, I am sorry but it costs more to send the truck to your house than we could get by recycling the metal in the washer.”

Lady: “But I really wanted to give it to you. I guess it will just have to send it to the landfill if you don’t come get it.”

Me: “I am sorry, but we cannot pick up non-working items because it costs too much.”

Lady: “Well, I will just have to send the machine to the landfill. The new machine is being delivered tomorrow and the old washer has to be gone and I really wanted to give it to you guys.”

Me: “I understand that it is important to keep it out of the landfill. Who are you buying your new washer from?”

Lady: “[Big Box Store].”

Me: “That is great news because I know that they will take your old washer away and recycle it for you. That way it won’t go to the landfill.”

Lady: “But I really wanted to give it to you guys.”

Me: “Ma’am, with fuel costs and labor costs it would cost us about $50 to pick up your washer and we might get $5 for recycling it. We simply cannot pick up broken items. But [Big Box Store] will take it to recycle it for you when they bring your new one.”

Lady: “But I really wanted to give it to you guys.”

(I tried a few more times to explain the logic of why it did not make sense for us to lose money when it is hard enough as a charity to raise the necessary funds to perform our work. I just kept getting the response. “But I really wanted to give it to you guys.”)

Me: *at this point starting to lose my patience* “Surely you see that it doesn’t make sense for us to spend $50 to send our truck to you when we will only get $5 for your broken washer.”

(Recycling is not our charity work; alleviating poverty is.)

Lady: “But I really wanted to give it to you guys.”

(At this point I did not know what else to say that would get my message across to her so I just told her one more time that we would not pick up her broken washer and hung up quickly. I am still puzzled as to why she wanted to gift us her broken washer that would cost more money than we could make from it.)

Caller: “Hi, I’d like to know about [Daughter]’s prescriptions.”

Me: “And is your daughter under 18?”

Caller: “No, she’s gone away to university.”

Me: “And is there a note on her account saying we may share her information with you?”

Caller: “I don’t know.”

Me: “Okay, I’ll check.” *gets necessary details to find the account* “I am sorry, but there is no note, so unfortunately it’s illegal for me to share that information with you, as your daughter is over 18.”

(The caller loses her temper.)

Me: “I am very sorry, but it really is illegal and would cost me my job.”

Caller: “So if I called back and said I am her, could you then tell me?”

Me: “That would constitute fraud.”

Caller: “Yes, but how would you know? Can’t I just do that?”

Me: “I am afraid that would be fraud, which is illegal. Anything else I could help you with today?”

Caller: *click*

(You seriously expect me to tell you that you should break the law over a phone call, which as you were informed at the beginning, is being recorded?)

(Our office used to be a family practice with three separate lawyers. Because the father is soon to retire and our office is an older house, his children (two sons) have moved to their own offices. We now have a much smaller staff, and I’m one of three people who open the office before eight each day. Our clients understand the lawyer doesn’t come in until nine, so they tend not to call before that time. However, when I come in one morning, the phone is going off at 7:30. We are expected not to answer phones so we can get morning tasks done before we answer, so I wait until eight to answer the first call of the day.)

Me: “Good morning. [Law Office].”

Caller: “About time! I’ve called seven or eight times already!”

Me: “I apologize; we don’t open office until eight o’clock. How can I help you?”

Caller: “Until eight?! This is life or death, and you’re going to make me wait until eight? What if I had been dying?”

Me: “Then I would hope you’d call an ambulance or the police. How can I help you?”

Caller: “I don’t know if I want him helping me anymore, if that’s how y’all act. Maybe I need to be calling someone else.”

Me: “That is your prerogative, sir. I apologize we couldn’t help you when you liked, but no one is able to answer your calls before eight. Thank you and—”

Caller: “Wait! I want to talk to Mr. [Lawyer #1] about representing me! Don’t be hanging up on me yet. Any chance I can talk to him?”

Me: “Mr. [Lawyer #1] isn’t in until nine o’clock. Is this about [type of law]? If so, I can get you to our intake to get a name, number, and some information.”

Caller: “What? No. This is about family law. Isn’t that who I called?”

Me: “Ah, no, sir. That would be [Lawyer #1]’s son, [Lawyer #2], who moved out six months ago. The phone books are still catching up in changing his information online. I can give you his new phone number.” *relays number to him* “Thank you, sir, and have a nice day.”

(A minute later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “Yeah, I got a divorce case and—”

Me: “Sir, I believe you called earlier. I gave you [Lawyer #2]’s number, correct?”

Caller: “D***, this ain’t his number?? What’s his number again?”

Me: “The only number that [Lawyer #2] has is [number]. If you’re unable to reach [Lawyer #2] at his number, it may be that his receptionist wasn’t able to reach the phone. Try again.”

(The caller hangs up and a few minutes later:)

Me: “Thank you for calling [Law Office].”

Caller: “D*** it!” *hangs up*

(I guess he didn’t believe me when I told him that was the only number that lawyer had. Aside from that, I’m not sure how a divorce is a matter of life or death.)

(Up until recently, I was a cake decorator in a local supermarket. Even though I have a new job elsewhere, I still shop there all the time. I’m chatting with a former coworker at the bakery counter when a customer comes up.)

Customer: “Oh! Isn’t your name [My Name] or something? Do you remember me? You made me a custom, strawberry-filled cake earlier this year, for [Very Distinctive Name].”

Me: “Oh, I think so. With the pink strawberry icing, too, right? That was fun to make.”

Customer: “I’m glad I caught you! It was so delicious! I’m actually ordering another right now for my friend’s birthday. What days will you be working next week? I need it for Thursday.”

Me: “Well, actually, I don’t work here anymore. It’s not hard, though. [Ex-Coworker] will do a great job, and I can tell her how to do it right now.”

Customer: “What?! No, you have to make it! It was so good before!”

Me: “I’m happy you like it, but all the ingredients and items are very standard and honestly require no special training. [Ex-Coworker] would make an amazing cake no matter what you ordered, but I promise, yours is about as simple a special order as can be, so she really will be able to copy what I did perfectly.”

Customer: “You’re unbelievable. I guess customer service doesn’t matter anymore.”

Me: “Uh… Not to me, I guess, since I don’t work here.”

Customer: “I’m going straight to your manager, and he’ll wipe that smirk off your face!”

Me: “Well, make sure to add that I said you’re crazy, because, again, I DON’T WORK HERE AN-EE-MOOOORE.”

(She stormed off in a huff, and I was left bemused by the complete 180 personality change she’d done, and that she apparently seriously expected me to come back in to an old job just to make her cake. As I was shopping, my former manager DID come up to me and told me through barely restrained giggles of disbelief that she HAD gone up to complain about me, and gotten angrier when he’d told her he had no control over someone who didn’t work for him anymore. We laughed about what had happened, and I apologized for causing him an extra trouble by being snarky. He said his only regret was that he can’t do the same.)

(I am an assistant manager for a comfort footwear company.)

Customer: *over the phone* “Yes, I would like to exchange my [Brand]s for a different pair. I can’t remember what they’re called, and I don’t quite remember when I bought them. I know you have records of this, though; look it up for me!”

(I go to look up her records, but our system has been down all day. Our physical records only go back two months, and I cannot find her name or order.)

Me: “Unfortunately, I cannot find your records in my store, as they only go back so far, and I would be happy to look them up in my system, but it’s been acting up all day and I cannot access it. Can you please tell me anything you remember about your boots so I can see if they are still available to order or if I have them in my store?”

Customer: “Why is your system down?”

Me: “I don’t know. We have been having terrible weather; perhaps—”

Customer: “You guys need to fix it! My boots were brown.”

Me: “Okay… Anything else? Many of our boots are brown.”

(We hardly have any boots in this brand left, anyhow, and I am almost positive we don’t have her style left. She keeps giving me one-word answers, all the time pointedly sighing about how affected she is.)

Customer: “I don’t know why this has to be difficult… I’ve got the shoe box right next to me with the name of the shoe.”

Me: *face palms* “That’s very helpful! What is the name of the shoe?”

(Her shoe has been sold out in our store for at least a month and is no longer available to order in her size in any color. I tell her this, being apologetic and recognizing her frustration.)

Customer: “When are you going to get more? I need new ones! What am I going to do?”

Me: “Since they are all sold out, you may be able to find a replacement on the brand’s general website, or check our other stores in the hopes that one has come back. Do you mind if I ask why you’d like the exchange? Is the shoe damaged?”

Customer: “The suede is two different colors on the boots! I can see it! The right one is lighter than the left one! Everyone says they can’t see it but they’re just so different!”