Me: “Hi, can I help?”
Customer: “I’d like a wheatgrass shot and an apple, carrot, ginger, and orange juice.”
Me: “Would you like size one, two, or three?”
Customer: “One.”
Me: “Would you like any extra boosters?”
Customer: “No. Stop trying to sell me things.”
Me: “That’s [amount]. Do you have a loyalty card?”
Customer: “I’m not even loyal to my WIFE.”
Me: “…”
Drunk Customer: “You’re American! What state are you from?”
Me: “Actually, sir, I’m from Canada.”
Drunk Customer: “OH! The MORMON State!”
Me: “…”
(I work for a political party and am making polling calls.)
Me: “Hello, my name is [My Name] and I’m calling on behalf of the [Political Party]. Do you have time to take a quick survey for us?”
Caller: “Yes.”
Me: “Thank you. If there was a general election tomorrow, who do you think you would vote for?”
Caller: “There’s a general election tomorrow?”
Me: “No, but if there was, who do you think you would vote for?”
Caller: “I would have trouble getting to the polling station. Are you offering a lift?”
Me: “No… it’s a hypothetical election question about who would you vote for.”
Caller: “Sorry, I have to go to the doctors tomorrow!”
Me: *gives up*
(I work at a fish and chips booth at a 19th-century London convention.)
Customer: “Hi, I want some chips.”
Me: “Sure, that’ll be [price]. Here are your chips.”
Customer: “No, I want chips.”
Me: “These are chips.”
Customer: “No, they’re french fries.”
Me: “In England, they’re called chips.”
Customer: “So? We’re in America.”
Me: “You’re at a convention set in London.”
Customer: “So?”
Me: “So, they’re called chips in an attempt to be authentic.”
Customer: “The f***? I’m an American and in America, they’re called french fries!”
Me: “So why aren’t they called American fries?”
Customer: *stares blankly*
This story is part of the French Fry roundup!
Read the next French Fry roundup story!
Read the French Fry roundup!
Customer: “I need a book on cloning.”
Me: “Okay… would you like a book on the ethics of cloning, or maybe the history of it?”
Customer: “No, I need a how-to book on cloning animals.”
Me: “Um… cloning is a pretty complicated process. You’ll need several years of college education to be able to clone an animal.”
Customer: “No, you don’t! That’s just what we’ve been told! I read about it, and you can do it with a turkey baster in your kitchen!”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of artificial insemination…”
Customer: “NO, I’M NOT! I NEED TO CLONE MY DOG!”
Me: “…”
Customer: “I have a boy dog, and I love him very much, but he’s a bad dog. I heard that girl dogs are much nicer, so I want to clone my dog and make a girl dog! STOP HIDING THE BOOKS FROM ME!”
Me: *points to back corner* “Our science section is that way. Go knock yourself out.”
Next Customer In Line: “How the h*** did you just keep your cool through that?”
